Not to be read by anyone under 18, unless you’re a hot chick.
In which case my address is:
6669 NE 42nd St.
Priest Lake, ID (how many other people are going to name check a town named after a lake where a priest drowned, huh?)
The following is completely fictional. Any resemblance to reality is entirely coincidental. Contents of this story are merely creative license, not unlike a TV show or movie that uses real people in fictional settings and situations. However, if you do have video or pictures of events similar to the ones described below, feel free to forward them to me for closer examination. Feedback,
comments, praise, criticism, death threats, nude photos, etc. can be sent to voodoojoe2000 at yahoo dot com (come on, you can assemble that into an actual e-mail address).
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If you want to know where the full voodoojoe catalog is archived at, just drop me a line and I’ll point you in the right direction.
Celeb of choice in this story is Natalie Portman. The codes are (MF, cons, oral). Go fuck yourself and go read something else if you dislike those codes or want something more. Or better yet, write it yourself.
To quote Juliana Hatfield’s Dumb Fun “This record’s over, finally. Much too good for me.” Well, this isn’t a record, it’s a story, but the concept behind the quote is still very relevant. It’s done and it’s much too good for me, so there you go.
“Into this house we’re born
Into this world we’re thrown
Like a dog without a bone
An actor out alone
Riders on the storm” – The Doors ‘Riders On The Storm
Adventures In Radio #17 – Riders On The Storm
By voodoojoe
“Welcome back to the Richie Tozier Show,” I said as Natalie Cole played me into the third hour dueting with her dead dad on Unforgettable. “For this hour, we have Queen Amidala herself. I told Matt to get JarJar Binks, but he had to point out that JarJar isn’t actually real. So, I guess we’ll just have to settle for Natalie Portman instead.”
“I never thought I’d hear you say that Natalie meant settling,” Matt said.
“Sarah, hit him please,” I told Sarah. When Sarah whacked him on the back of the head for me, I grinned at him. “Thank you, Sarah.”
“Any time,” Sarah said, rubbing the spot on the back of Matt’s head that she’d just hit.
“Any way, let’s welcome the lovely Natalie Portman to the show before Matt can make another snide remark,” I said as Natalie walked through the door of the studio wearing a red tank top and khaki pants.
When she sat down, she flashed me a smile that nearly killed me. After watching Rachel Bilson break down in tears, wracked with guilt, I’d decided to attempt to turn over a new leaf. Basically that meant not seducing every pretty girl that entered my line of sight. So far it was working, but it was hard enough without one of my favorite people smiling at me and making my knees go weak with need.
“It’s always great having you on the show,” I told Natalie as she pulled on her headphones.
“It’s great to be here,” Natalie returned, smiling at me again.
“Congratulations on the Golden Globe,” I said, trying to think of anything except her smile. “I was rooting for you at the Oscars, but I really can’t be upset that Cate Blanchett won.”
“Thank you. I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to win going in, so I was able to just relax and soak in the atmosphere without the pressure of making sure I wasn’t leaving anyone out of my acceptance speech,” Natalie said.
“Come on, be a team player. It’s always more fun to hear about how you expected to win so much that you got pissed when someone else’s name was read. I know better than to expect a catty remark like that from you, but you can at least fake it for me, can’t you?” I asked her.
“Fine,” Natalie sighed. “That bitch Cate Blanchett stole my Oscar. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
“Now say it like you actually mean it,” I teased her.
“But I don’t mean it,” Natalie said rolling her eyes.
“You’re an actress, act like you mean it,” I prodded. “I’ll be your very best friend.”
“Geez, just ask her to be the mother of your children and get it over with,” Matt groaned at our interplay. “Oww, what was that for? Richie didn’t tell you to hit me.”
“He was going to tell me to do it. I just beat him to the punch, so to speak,” Sarah protested.
“Trust me Matt, Sarah has more than earned the right to smack you upside the head whenever she wants to,” I told him. “But she’s right, I was going to tell her to do it anyway.”
“Why did I ever think this was a good idea?” Matt groused as Sarah.
“Because you needed someone to help you out back there and didn’t stop to think about the ramifications of having your girlfriend work for me,” I responded, even though I was pretty sure it had been a rhetorical question.
“Was that ever a mistake,” Matt grumbled.
“Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, tell us about the movie,” I told Natalie.
“Well, it’s a very dark movie compared to the others,” Natalie responded. “Its about Anakin being corrupted and seduced over to the dark side. His anger and jealousy finally catch up to him and he becomes the villain everyone knows him as.”
“And then he kills off a bunch of Jedi, fulfilling the prophecy of bringing balance to the force,” I finished for her. “Only two good guys, Obi-Wan and Yoda, are left to balance out the two bad guys, Vader and Sidious. I’m right, aren’t I?”
“You could be right, or you might not be. You’ll just have to go see the movie,” Natalie replied.
“Anyone that calls because you spoiled the movie for them, I’m sending them straight to you,” Sarah groaned, knowing that I likely just increased her workload.
“Tell them I never stated it as fact,” I responded. “I just took a stab in the dark and I’ll be claiming to be clairvoyant if I happen to be right.”
“I’ll let you tell them that,” Sarah grumbled.
“No one will call, because everyone that cares enough to call already knows, but if they do call, tell them to read a book or something,” I told her. “The novelization of the movie has been out long enough that I’m not worried about spoiling it for anyone. Star Wars geeks spend enough time studying the universe that they know the history.”
“They’ll still call,” Natalie said. “I’ve had enough experience with them over the last few years to know a little something about them.”
“That would make an interesting contest, to see who knows Star Wars geeks better. The radio guy, who is a professional geek, against the person who has become the poster girl and lust object of the Star Wars geeks. I am one and you deal with them on a regular basis,” I mused.
“You should do that. You two should totally face off,” Sarah said.
“We can’t do it today because I don’t have anything prepared, but we could do it the next time Natalie’s in,” I suggested.
“Star Wars trivia, or just exploring the minds of the fans?” Natalie asked.
“We’d have to do a mix of the two to make it even. I’d have an unfair advantage in the trivia because I’m a geek and you actually have a life and you’d have the advantage in exploring their minds with all your Harvard psychology. Neither one would be fair if we went strictly with one category,” I replied.
“I’ll put it together if you want,” Matt volunteered.
“I don’t think so,” I told him. “You don’t know anything about Star Wars beyond the fact that Princess Leia is the one with cinnamon rolls on her head, and you call her ‘that princess chick’ at that.”
“That’s what they look like. If I’d known you’d still bring that up, I would’ve kept my mouth shut,” Matt protested.
“I know just the person to do it if you’re really serious,” Natalie interrupted. “He’s as big a Star Wars fan as you can get.”
“You’re not talking about who I think you are, are you?” I asked her.
“I have no idea who you think I’m talking about, but probably not,” Natalie said, staring blankly at me.
“You know, George Lucas. He’s probably too busy licensing Star Wars merchandise to do it, but it’d be really cool,” I told her.
“No, I was talking about my friend from Harvard,” Natalie said.
“Okay, you get him to do it, and I’ll pencil you in for early November. If V For Vendetta doesn’t finish on time, then you’ll just have to drop by for the hell of it,” I told her.
“If I can’t make it here, then I’ll at least call in,” Natalie agreed.
“It’s a deal then,” I said as Tool’s Sober started playing in my headphones as Matt’s way of telling me it was time for commercials.
“Okay, so what’s wrong,” Natalie said once I’d turned the microphones off.
“Huh?” I asked, pushing my headphones back off one ear as I looked up at her.
“Something’s wrong, so you’re going to tell me what it is,” Natalie replied.
“Why do you say that?” I asked her.
“You’ve been on edge, yelling at Matt,” Natalie answered.
“I always yell at Matt. He calls me a bleeding heart liberal; I call him an unfeeling conservative, the audience laughs, then we go get a beer after the show. That’s what makes people listen,” I told her.
“I’ve been on your show enough to know the dynamics of it, but it’s not usually like this,” Natalie countered.
“Nothing’s wrong,” I lied. I didn’t want to tell her that it was because I hadn’t gotten laid in three months, mainly because then she’d press and I’d wind up telling her about Rachel and everything else. It was bad enough I knew without having to reveal it to her.
“Are you sure?” Natalie pressed.
“I need coffee. Want some coffee? I think I’m gonna get some coffee,” I nervously said, grabbing my coffee mug and pulling off my headphones.
“I’ve learned not to drink radio station coffee,” Natalie said, shaking her head no.
“That’s probably a wise decision,” I said, slipping out of the studio.
After getting my coffee, I took a sip to calm my nerves. As I swallowed the hot, bitter liquid I shook my head at how easily Natalie had shaken me. Normally very little phased me, but just a few minutes in the studio with her and I had been reduced to a nervous wreck.
Using the clock inside my head, honed from years of doing radio, I judged that I still had a little time before I had to be back in the studio. Taking a deep breath, I topped off my cup of coffee before heading back. Matt was pressing the button to play Quiet Riot’s Cum On Feel The Noise when I walked into the studio.
“Welcome back to the show,” I said, sitting down in my chair and pulling on my headphones without looking at Natalie. “In a moment we have today’s Top 5 list, but first I’m going to see is I can get Natalie to eat a piece of bacon.”
“What?” Natalie asked, completely taken aback.
“You know, bacon. Breakfast food, comes in strips, fried until it gets nice and crispy,” I replied.
“I know what it is, but I’m not eating it,” Natalie said, wrinkling her nose in distaste.
“If the audience pledges money for charity, will you eat it then?” I pressed. “Matt will even match anything the audience comes up with.”
“How did my money get into this. You make more than I do and you’re the one bringing it up. You should be the one to give up the money,” Matt said.
“Yes, but you’re the one about to inherit the gross domestic product of several small nations, combined,” I told him.
“If both of you match it, then I’ll do it,” Natalie said.
“And now its time for today’s Top 5,” I said, quickly changing the subject.
“Sure, you want to do it when its my money, but once yours is put on the line you move on,” Matt remarked.
“Quiet, Natalie’s about to read the list,” I told him, handing Natalie the sheet of paper with the Top 5 on it. “The list is Top 5 Movie Events of the Summer, for me at least.”
“Honorable Mention goes to Into The Blue,” Natalie read.
“Jessica Alba in a bikini, Ashley Scott in a bikini, and they’re diving for treasure in bikinis. I don’t know what else can, or even needs to be said,” I remarked.
“You know, I think they’re going to be wearing bikinis,” Matt joked.
“Really? I had no idea,” I said. “They should try harder to make sure I know that Jessica Alba and Ashley Scott will be wearing bikinis.”
“Can we get past bikinis for a minute,” Natalie interrupted. “Number 5 is Fantastic Four.”
“This one really should be higher, but everything I’ve heard has just been so bad that it barely made the list at all,” I explained. “The Thing looks terrible, but Jessica Alba looks great.”
“Anything with Jessica Alba is a must see,” Matt commented.
“Number 4 is Elizabethtown,” Natalie read.
“Cameron Crowe plus Kirsten Dunst equals Richie buying a ticket,” I said.
“I’m not as big a fan of Cameron Crowe as you are, so I wouldn’t have put it on the list,” Matt said.
“Why are you being polite?” I asked Matt. “Normally when you disagree you rant and rave about what an idiot I am.”
“Its because I love Almost Famous,” Sarah chipped in.
“Well that explains it then,” I said. “When she’s out of earshot you can yell at me all you want, okay Matt?”
“You know I was going to whether you offered to let me or not,” Matt said.
“Number 3 is The Island,” Natalie continued.
“I know Michael Bay is directing, which holds it down a little, but anything with Scarlett Johansson is worth watching,” I said.
“What’s wrong with Michael Bay?” Matt asked.
“There’s always the fact that he’s Jerry Bruckheimer’s little pet director,” I replied. “He doesn’t go to the bathroom without Bruckheimer there to oversee it. Then there’s the problem with him being all flash and no substance. He can make an explosion look great, but he doesn’t bother to make you care about the people caught in the explosion.”
“Explosions are what you want from a big budget action movie, though,” Matt countered.
“I know that, but you still need to give a damn about the characters or the movie doesn’t work no matter how many planes you blow up,” I responded. “Move on to the next one or we’ll be here all day debating the pros and cons of popcorn flicks.”
“Number 2 is Batman Begins,” Natalie read.
“One of the greatest superheroes ever, check. Katie Holmes to stare at, check. A cool trailer, check,” I said, running down the list. “Batman is more like 1-A than a straight number two, but I don’t like to start using ties because then I start using them all the time.”
“It had better be better than Batman & Robin,” Matt said.
“It really can’t possibly be worse,” I replied. “People like to blame Joel Schumacher for the downfall of the franchise, but like to point my rage at Chris O’Donnell. I never liked him, and he ruined the Robin character for me.”
“Schumacher gave the role to Chris O’Donnell though,” Matt pointed out. “And you can’t forget that he put nipples on the costumes.”
“I’m not saying Schumacher isn’t partly responsible, I’m just saying I prefer to blame Chris O’Donnell just for being,” I said.
“Number 1 is Star Wars: Episode 3 – Revenge of the Sith,” Natalie recited.
“How did I know this would be here?” Matt rhetorically asked.
“Because you’ve been paying attention to me for more than thirty seconds?” I shot back. “Seriously though, I think just about everyone is looking forward to it, even those that like to run their mouths about how terrible the prequels have been so far.”
“Can I point out your omissions yet?” Matt asked.
“I left Mr. And Mrs. Smith off on purpose. I don’t really care about it at all, and it really doesn’t look that good,” I replied.
“You also forgot War Of The Worlds,” Matt pointed out.
“Yet again, I didn’t forget it,” I countered. “It would’ve been there, but I left it out to give a little diversity to the list. If I had added it instead of Into The Blue or Elizabethtown, then it would’ve been all action or big budget movies with nothing else.”
“Just making sure,” Matt said. “Spielberg and Cruise together with aliens destroying everything in sight is a must see.”
“That it is, but something had to go and I made a tough call,” I replied.
“What about that Herbie movie?” Natalie asked, playfully smirking at me as she crumpled up the list and bounced it off my forehead.
“I love Lindsay Lohan, probably even a little more than the law allows without some kind of license, but you’d have to drag me into a theater to see it,” I told her. “Maybe its because I loved The Love Bug so much as a kid, I don’t know. I’ll probably see it some day, maybe on HBO or break down and rent it when I need a freckle fix.”
“What is it with the freckles?” Natalie asked me.
“You’re the psychology major, you tell me,” I responded. “Closest I’ve ever been able to come up with are the twins that lived next to me when I was kid. They moved before I hit puberty, but I have to wonder if they made a bigger impact on my psyche than I ever would’ve realized.”
“I’d analyze you, but I’d be a little scared to. You’d have to pay me more than George to do it,” Natalie said.
“How about I not pick up that piece of paper you threw at me and throw it back? Sound like a good deal?” I asked her.
“You wouldn’t do it because you’re a gentleman,” Natalie said, practically daring me.
“Lot you know,” I said, throwing the paper and getting it to land in the neckline of her tank top.
“Time for commercials children,” Matt said, barely containing his laughter.
“After the break we’ve got some passes to see Star Wars this weekend. We’ll also see if we can get Natalie to eat that piece of bacon, so stick around,” I said into the microphone.
“Just give it up, its never going to happen,” Natalie said, rolling her eyes.
“Getting a Jewish vegetarian to eat pork may seem like an impossible task, but nothing is impossible,” I replied.
“I already told you, if you can come up with enough money and then match it with your own money, I’ll think about it,” Natalie said.
“If you’re not going to be reasonable about it, then I don’t even know why I bother,” I said, drawing a laugh from Natalie before turning off the microphone.
+ * + * +
“Looking good,” Elisha called out as she came up the driveway.
I had been bent over pulling weeds from the flowerbeds in front of my house when she pulled up. I’d found that it worked better if I channeled my sexual energy into something productive, and my yard was beginning to look respectable because of it. Instead of a little grass spread out between a mass of dandelions, the ratio was currently much closer to even.
“Well, I have been watching my figure lately,” I commented. “Thanks for noticing.”
“I was talking about the yard, dumb ass,” Elisha snorted.
“Oh, how embarrassing,” I said, feigning a blush.
“Feel free to do my yard next if you want,” Elisha offered. “I always wanted a yard boy.”
“If you want a yard boy, hire a sixteen year old kid and then make him a yard man,” I told her. I stood up and wiped the dirt off my hands onto my jeans before opening the front door. “Besides, you don’t want me. I charge too much and then provide shoddy work, when I deign to show up.”
“Who said I was going to pay you money?” Elisha challenged, following me into the house.
“Who said I was talking about money?” I returned, heading for the bathroom.
“Aren’t yard boys supposed to be paid with sex?” Elisha asked, opening the fridge and pulling out a beer.
“I’d love to keep answer questions with more questions with you, but I’m dirty and sweaty. I’d offer you something to drink while I take a shower, but it seems a little pointless,” I said, closing the bathroom door.
As I emerged from the shower, I heard Bruce Springsteen’s new album start playing on the stereo. I couldn’t remember whether I’d left it in there or if I’d been listening to the new Garbage, so it was hard to tell whether Elisha had just hit play or put it in there on purpose. Either way, I had to give her props for the choice.
“I got God on my side and I’m just trying to survive. What if what you do to survive kills the things you love,” I sang as I walked out of the bathroom with nothing but a towel on.
“You think you’re hot stuff, don’t you?” Elisha asked when she saw me strutting around.
“You put the music on,” I replied. “You know I can’t be held accountable for my actions when I’m under the influence of music.”
“Go put something on because you’re getting close to showing me everything you’ve got,” Elisha said, rolling her eyes as she shut the music off.
“You’re not going like that are you?” Elisha asked when I emerged from my room wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
“And where do you think we’re going?” I returned.
“You didn’t forget that Matt’s party is tonight, did you?” she demanded.
“I didn’t forget, I’m just not going,” I replied.
“What do you mean you’re not going? You have to go,” Elisha pleaded.
“Matt may be taking tomorrow off for his birthday, but I still have to get up bright and early,” I explained.
“This isn’t about Rachel is it?” Elisha asked.
“No, its not,” I lied. “I just can’t be out partying all night.”
“That never stopped you before,” Elisha pointed out. “You go to concerts all the time and you’re out later with those than you would be tonight. You just don’t want to deal with people.”
“I don’t mind dealing with people,” I said, starting to get defensive. “I’ve got the third season of Gilmore Girls so I was going to watch a couple episodes and then go to bed. Nothing wrong with that, is there?”
“There is when you’re ignoring your best friend’s birthday party in favor of watching a TV show I know for a fact you’ve already seen several times,” Elisha said. Her voice was starting to rise as the anger and desperation built inside her. “And its all because you don’t want to go somewhere where you might take advantage of a woman that might even be sober and willing.”
“I’ve been to Matt’s parties, no one is sober by the end,” I said, hoping to derail her with a joke.
“Shut up,” Elisha snapped, loud enough to stop me in my tracks. “You can’t hide away in your house and let life pass you by.”
“I’m not hiding in the house. In fact, I was just outside. You saw me,” I said, my smirk growing as she clenched her jaw.
“Fine, ignore me, whatever,” Elisha said, the irritation getting the best of her. I could almost see steam pouring out of her ears as she turned and stomped toward the door. “I’ll just tell Matt you’re too selfish to give a damn about him.”
“He’ll understand, he always does,” I said, shrugging off her comment.
“No he won’t,” Elisha said, the disgust written all over her face.
Elisha grabbed the doorknob and yanked the door open without bothering to look at me. When a surprised Natalie appeared on the other side, she had to stop herself before running over her.
“Wow, hi,” Natalie said. “Is Richie here?”
“Yeah, but he’s being an ass,” Elisha grunted. “Maybe you can get through to him.”
“No one gets through to me,” I said. “I’m stubborn, especially when I’m being an ass.”
“What was that about?” Natalie asked me when Elisha had stormed past her.
“Disagreement. She thinks I’m being an idiot, I think I’m being a moron,” I replied. “The difference is subtle, but sometimes subtle differences cause the most heated arguments.”
“Is that your car out there?” Natalie asked, pointing at my car.
“Yeah,” I nodded.
“Last time I was here you were talking about getting a Prius, and you buy that? Talk about going in the completely opposite direction,” Natalie said, finally closing the door
“I really was going to get a hybrid, and the gas mileage is a bitch, but the one I bought looked so much cooler,” I said. “So, what brings you to my humble abode?”
“You told me what was bothering you, and already I can tell it hasn’t gone away, so I came to find out,” Natalie responded.
“If I didn’t tell you earlier, what makes you think I’m going to tell you now?” I countered.
“You’ll tell me,” Natalie said confidently.
“No, I won’t, but you’re welcome to stay if you want,” I told her. “Want anything to drink? And by anything, I mean water or beer, though I think there might be a Pepsi left from when my nephew was here the other day.”
“Beer is fine,” Natalie answered, sitting down on the couch.
“Two beers,” I said. I opened the fridge and pulled out two beers.
“So, are you two dating?” Natalie asked me as I handed her one of the beers.
“Who? Elisha?” I asked. She nodded as she twisted the cap off her beer. “No. Well, truthfully I have no idea. We’re supposed to be just friends, but she spends more time here than I do and I’m pretty sure it’s not for the ambience.”
“And how does that make you feel?” Natalie asked, breaking into a smirk.
“Give it up Freud, I’m not cracking,” I said, popping the first Gilmore Girls disc into the DVD player.
“I’m just trying to figure out what’s wrong,” Natalie said. “Is it about Anna?”
“What about Anna?” I asked, sitting on the couch next to her. “Have you heard something I haven’t?”
“That depends what you’ve heard, but I was just wondering if you’re missing her or something,” Natalie responded.
“Sure I miss her, but I’m not depressed because of her,” I said, pressing play.
“So you admit that you’re depressed?” Natalie inquired.
“I’m admitting to nothing, now watch the show,” I told her.
We sat in silence for most of an episode with her staring at me. I tried to ignore her but her gaze never wavered and drove me nuts.
“Will you stop that? You’re going to give me a complex or something,” I told her.
“Tell me and I’ll stop,” Natalie said, smirking at my irritation.
“Geez, and I thought I was supposed to be the annoying one in this room,” I muttered, turning my attention back to the screen.
“Tell me,” Natalie said, poking me in the arm.
“If I tell you, will you leave me alone?” I finally asked.
“Maybe, depends on whether I believe you,” Natalie replied truthfully.
“Fine,” I grudgingly said.
After gathering my thoughts, I told her everything. To her credit she sat there and let me talk without interrupting me. I had to admit that by the end I did feel better for having gotten it off my chest.
“And?” Natalie asked me when I’d finished.
“What do you mean ‘and?’ You want more proof that I’m an asshole?” I asked back.
“So you slept with someone else’s girlfriend,” Natalie stated. “Its not like it’s the first time you’ve done it, is it?”
“See, that shows that I don’t think of anyone but myself. I use women for sex and then discard them. I did it with Elisha, I did it with you; I do it with everyone. Who knows, maybe even with Anna,” I replied. Without warning Natalie punched me in the arm. “Hey watch it, Leila Ali. Are you training for the sequel to Million Dollar Baby or something?”
“What would Anna have done if you’d said that to her?” Natalie asked.
“She would’ve hit me,” I acknowledged.
“Let me ask you a question,” Natalie continued. “If you hurt Elisha so badly, then why does she stick around? Its obvious she cares about you.”
“Maybe she’s a glutton for punishment, how am I supposed to know why people do the things they do?” I snapped.
“And as far as I’m concerned, I seem to remember that it was mutual. You didn’t exactly take advantage of me,” Natalie pointed out.
“Can we just forget this and move on to something else?” I asked, the subject getting little too uncomfortable for me.
“Not until you realize that you didn’t force Rachel to do anything she didn’t want to do,” Natalie responded, putting her hand on top of mine.
“I don’t think so,” I said. “You can keep talking if you want, but I’m done.”
“So we won’t talk any more,” Natalie said, leaning in to kiss me.
“What?” I mumbled, too shocked to think of anything else.
“Shh,” Natalie said, putting a finger to my mouth before lifting my hand and pressing it against her breast.
When she leaned in to kiss me again, my brain stopped working completely. The only thing I could think of was the softness of her lips as they pressed against my own. Her nipple hardened underneath my hand and pushed into my palm.
Acting on instinct, I used my free hand to reach for her. Grabbing her arm, I pulled her toward me. She threw her leg across me to sit on my lap facing me and wrapped her arms around my neck.
Moving my hand off her breast, I slipped it around to her back. With my hand out of the way, she molded herself to me and I let my hands wander down her back until they reached her ass. With a hand on each cheek, I ground my crotch against hers.
“Mmm,” Natalie cooed as she broke the kiss.
Before she could resume kissing me, I grabbed the bottom of her tank top and pushed it up her back. When it reached her armpits, she lifted her arms up and I pulled it the rest of the way off. I tossed it on the ground and instantly started working on the clasp of her bra.
When the clasp was undone, she pushed herself back and slid off my lap leaving her bra in my hands. Kneeling in front of me, her hands went to work on unbuttoning my pants while I folded her bra in half and neatly draped it over the arm of the couch. I stood up when she had them undone and she quickly yanked them down with my boxers before giving me a playful push back onto the couch.
After I kicked off my shoes, she finished pulling my pants off. Putting her hands on my knees, she smiled at me and pushed them apart. As she scooted closer I grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it off.
Sitting up she reached out her hand and touched my cock. A shiver ran through me as she dragged her fingers down the length before wrapping around the base. Gripping my manhood firmly, she gave it a couple strokes. Leaning her head forward, she stuck out her tongue and licked my cock from just above her fingers to the crown before placing a kiss on the tip.
“Shit,” I groaned. Her touch was almost electric on my sensitive penis.
After giving my cock a few more licks to moisten it, she opened her mouth and took the head inside. With just the head inside her mouth, she let her tongue swirled around, flicking it lightly. As she started to push her head down, taking more of my cock into her mouth, her free hand moved up to start fondling my testicles. Her fingers gently massaged my balls as she started bobbing her head up and down.
“Look at me,” I told her.
Tilting her head, she managed to make eye contact without taking my cock out of her mouth. When she smiled around my cock, it was all I could do not to blow it right there. The sight of those brown eyes staring at me combined with that smile of hers was just too much for me to take in the situation.
Leaning forward, I put my hands under her arms and lifted her up. Instead of standing her up, I pulled her towards me until she was straddling my lap again. Cupping the back of her head in one hand, I pulled her into a kiss while my other hand wandered down her back.
Putting my hand on her ass, I used the leverage to push her up until she was on her knees. Crouching down slightly, my mouth sought out her nipple. When my lips closed around it, she let out a hiss of approval and put both hands on the back of my head to hold me there.
“Ooh,” Natalie moaned as I moved the hand on her ass so my fingers went between her legs and pressed against her pussy through her jeans.
“Stand up,” I instructed, applying a little pressure to her ass.
Planting her feet on the couch on either side of me, she executed a move she had to have learned during her research for Closer. Putting her hands on my shoulders, she leaned in until her chest was almost touching me and then dragged her entire body within inches of my face as she stood up.
“Christ,” I muttered, trying to reign in my libido after that maneuver.
I ran my hands up her thighs until I reached her waist. Without wasting any time I set to work on unbuttoning her pants. When they were undone, I yanked them down to just below her knees. Pushing on the back of one of her knees, I lifted her leg and pulled it the rest of the way out of her pants. Once her foot was firmly back on the couch, I repeated the process with her other leg and brushed the discarded jeans onto the floor.
After taking a glance up to see Natalie towering over me in nothing but a pair of white panties, I let my fingers caress the backs of her legs as they roamed upward. Reaching her panties, I hooked my fingers into the waistband but decided not to pull them down.
“Please,” Natalie begged, trying to push her panties down instead.
“Give me a second,” I told her, fighting off her attempts to get naked.
“But…” Natalie whimpered, sticking out her bottom lip as she looked down at me. In response I relented and finally pulled them down. She didn’t need any prompting this time and stepped out of her panties.
With her panties off, Natalie tried to slide back down but I stopped her. Grabbing her ass in my hands, I hunched down slightly and began kissing the insides of her thighs. My tongue dragged along the soft skin as I zeroed in her pussy.
“Ungh,” Natalie moaned, bending her knees outward to spread her legs wider when my tongue made contact with her oily folds.
Dragging my tongue along the length of her slit I could tell that her pussy was already wet enough, but that didn’t stop me. Reaching her clit, I flattened my tongue against it and moved in small circles to create friction.
“Ooh,” Natalie cooed, putting her hands on the back of my head.
After giving her clit a couple more flicks I sucked it into my mouth. While I applied suction to her nub, I moved my right hand around front and let my index finger dawdle at her entrance. I teased her with it for a few moments as I flicked her clit with my tongue inside my mouth before sliding it into her pussy.
“Oh,” Natalie gasped, grinding her pussy against my face.
Removing my finger, I let go of her clit and moved my tongue down to her dripping hole. My tongue darted out and buried itself in her snatch. To get better access I scooted forward and hooked her leg over my shoulder.
“Oh God,” Natalie moaned, humping my face as her orgasm neared.
“Not yet,” I told her, pulling away from her.
With a grunt of displeasure, Natalie tried to pull my head back to her. When I stiffened my neck and refused to budge she whimpered. The whimper didn’t last long though when I grabbed her hips and started to pull her down.
As she slid down my body, she sat down on my knees so she could reposition her feet. With her feet pushed back she slid forward onto her knees and put her arms around my neck. I grabbed my cock as she raised herself up. When she had raised up enough, I pointed my cock at her entrance.
After a moment to look me in the eyes Natalie eased herself down onto my manhood. With just the head inside her pussy she suddenly stopped and smirked at me. Gripping her hips I tried to pull her the rest of the way down and end the teasing but she planted her knees firmly in the couch and refused to move.
“You’re mean,” I grunted.
“So were you,” she said before finally restarting her slow descent.
When she had all of me inside she ground her crotch against mine. After a moment of savoring the sensations of being joined she slowly raised herself up again. About halfway up she stopped and dropped herself back down.
I moved my hands to her ass and helped to lift her up. On each down stroke I let go and let her own momentum impale her on me cock. When I tried to speed her up though she went rigid and fought me. Since she also tightened the muscles in her pussy and squeezed me even tighter, I continued to fight her.
After a few minutes of the slow fucking, I slipped my cock out and wrapped my hands around her back. Holding onto her I slid forward on the couch until I was at the edge. Sliding forward even more I dropped to my knees in front of the couch.
I leaned forward and laid her upper body on the coffee table. The table wasn’t wide enough for her whole body so just her head and shoulders rested on the table, the rest hung over the side and was supported by my hands on her lower back.
“Hook your legs around me to support yourself,” I instructed as I got my feet underneath me.
When she planted her heels on my ass I let go and partially stood up. In a crouch, I put one hand on the table beside her I used the other to aim my cock at her pussy again. Finding the right spot I pushed forward until I was all the way in.
“Ooh,” Natalie moaned, reaching out to put her hands on my sides.
With the change of position I was better able to control the speed. There really wasn’t anything with the slow pace that Natalie was endorsing but I was close enough to coming that it just wasn’t doing anything other than driving me nuts.
Putting both hands on the table, I proceeded to withdraw from her. When just the head was left in I unceremoniously thrust myself back in, drawing a moan from Natalie. I repeated the motion but got quicker on both the in and out strokes.
As I began pistoning in and out of her I looked down and the look of pure bliss on her face almost took my breath away. Her eyes clenched shut and her bottom lip was caught between her teeth. Each thrust drew a garbled moan from her throat.
With each push into her she used her legs to pull me in and meet my thrust. The way her pussy was starting to flutter around my cock signaled that she was close to her orgasm. And good thing it was because I wasn’t sure I could hold out much longer.
“So close,” Natalie announced, digging her nails into my skin.
After a few more thrusts she was there. She arched her back and her pussy tightened around my cock so much that it felt like she was going to break it off. A loud rumble of pleasure issued from her throat as her body convulsed in climax.
Stopping my thrusting I gritted my teeth in an effort to hold off, but one look at her in the throes of ecstasy put an end to that. Pulling out I rested my cock against her pussy and groaned as my come erupted out of me. Before my legs could give out on me, I picked Natalie up and transferred her over to the couch.
“Are you coming or going?” I asked her as I slipped on my boxers.
“What?” Natalie asked, lifting her head and fixing me with an almost deadly stare.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I assured her. “I just meant that I have to get up early in the morning so I wondering if you were staying. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want.”
“Thanks for giving me my options,” Natalie said gruffly, picking up her panties off the floor and slipping them on.
Her reaction suddenly gave me a possible insight into everything that had happened tonight. It was hard to believe, but it almost sounded like Natalie had a thing for me. Not just a random he’s-a-good-lay thing, but actual emotions.
“I’d love to come over there and pick you up,” I said, picking her up by putting arm around her shoulders and sweeping her legs out from under her with the other. “Then I’d use my best Barry White voice and say ‘Come to bed baby’ but we both know it wouldn’t work out.”
“No we don’t,” Natalie protested.
“I need to sort some things out before I can think of a relationship and I think you do too. You need someone that thinks it’s cute when you dance around to Moby instead of making snide remarks. Likewise, I need someone that thinks the only Moby worth having around is Ahab’s white whale. Besides, I’m too shallow to date a bald woman,” I said, rubbing her fuzzy head.
“I think I’m going to go,” Natalie said, picking up the rest of her clothes.
“Still friends?” I asked her as she finished getting dressed.
“Of course,” Natalie said, giving me a wan smile as she hugged me.
“If you’re going to be in town for a couple days, my door is always open,” I told her.
“I’ll remember that,” Natalie said, crossing to the door.
After she’d slipped out the door I stood at the window and watched her walk to her car. Even after she’d driven away I stood there wondering what the hell I had just done turning down Natalie Portman. It was the right thing to do for both of us, but that didn’t diminish the stupidity of the action.