Not to be read by anyone under 18, unless you’re a hot chick.
In which case my address is:
6669 NE 42nd St.
Priest Lake, ID (how many other people are going to name check a town named after a lake where a priest drowned, huh?)
The following is completely fictional. Any resemblance to reality is entirely coincidental. Contents of this story are merely creative license, not unlike a TV show or movie that uses real people in fictional settings and situations. However, if you do have video or pictures of events similar to the ones described below, feel free to forward them to me for closer examination. Feedback,
comments, praise, criticism, death threats, nude photos, etc. can be sent to voodoojoe2000 at yahoo dot com (come on, you can assemble that into an actual e-mail address).
For personal use only. Feel free to distribute to friends, enemies, lovers, hopeful lovers, whatever, just keep my name and e-mail address on the story or I shall hunt you down and make you write the whole damn thing out by hand.
The celeb of choice for this piece of fiction is Ashley Scott. Codes are (MF, cons, oral, anal). Go fuck yourself and go read something else if you dislike those codes or want something more. Or better yet, write it yourself.
I’m sure the celeb choice is a bit of a head scratcher since I chose Ashley over Jessica Alba for the same movie. There is a reason to my madness though. As hot as Jessica is, and as much sense as it would’ve made to include her (like the fact she ranks higher on my list than Ashley does, or that her name would’ve guaranteed more readers), Ashley needs the love more. Jessica has her fair share of stories but Ashley doesn’t.
Oh, and on a side note, this story marks the beginning of my fourth year writing this stuff. Time really flies when you’re trying to make people whack off incessantly, doesn’t it? It’s also my thirty-ninth story overall featuring a total of fifty different celebrities. That number would be higher but Elisha’s ten appearances along with five each for Amber and Avril keep it down a little.
“I’m a rollin’ thunder, pourin’ rain
I’m coming on like a hurricane
White lightning’s flashing across the sky
You’re only young but you’re gonna die” – AC/DC ‘Hells Bells’
Adventures In Radio #18 – Into The Pink
Hearing the alarm buzzing, I blindly reached over and tried to turn it off. When that didn’t work, I forced my eyes open so I could actually look at what I was trying to do.
“Turn it off,” Elisha groaned next to me in the bed.
“If you’d stayed in the guest room it wouldn’t have woken you up,” I grunted back at her as I finally pushed the right button to turn the alarm off.
“It’s too hot in there,” Elisha mumbled, already almost fully back to sleep.
“Here’s the remote to the air conditioner in case you want it even colder in here,” I told Elisha as I set the remote down on the table next to her side of the bed. When she gave no reaction other than to half grunt-half snore at me, I shrugged my shoulders and went to take a shower.
Elisha had dragged Matt over to watch Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back and have a couple beers the night before. Matt and I, having to get up at the butt crack of dawn, had limited ourselves to two beers. Elisha, having no such constraints, drank enough that she would’ve fit right in with Metallica before they decided alcohol was bad and gave it up.
Sarah had gone to San Diego to visit her sister and so I’d been charged with making sure he stayed out of trouble. Considering my track record, I’m pretty sure Sarah made the wrong choice of people to watch out for his well being.
After my shower I grabbed some clothes and changed in the hallway so I wouldn’t disturb Elisha. I normally wouldn’t have cared one way or the other, but I hate when people make a bunch of noise when I’m hung over and decided to be considerate toward her drunken state.
Grabbing a chocolate chip muffin out of the fridge I hurried out the door. As I climbed into my car, I mentally bet my house that Elisha would still be asleep when I got home from work.
+ * + * +
“So, how drunk did Elisha get last night?” Matt asked me when I walked into the studio.
“I don’t know. She was still opening beers when I crashed,” I told him.
“What happened to us? We’re supposed to be party animals and a tiny blonde outlasts us,” Matt observed.
“She’s Canadian. Their beer is stronger than ours, so she’s used to it,” I responded.
“But still,” Matt said. “Anyway, what are we doing tonight?”
“Don’t know, but I’ll figure something out,” I replied. “If all else fails, we can hit the movies.”
+ * + * +
“And that’s why The Who should be appreciated as one of the greatest rock and roll bands ever,” I said, extolling the virtues of Pete Townsend and company.
“Maybe later you can explain to me how playing Rocket Man coming out of commercial got you into a lengthy monologue about The Who,” Matt said.
“Elton John played Tommy,” I replied, not bothering to elaborate from there.
“That explains everything,” Matt said, rolling his eyes. “Just introduce our guest and we’ll forget the whole thing.”
“It’s probably best that we did,” I said. “Sitting next to me is Ashley Scott from the new movie Into The Blue and the canceled before its time show, Birds of Prey.”
“It’s good to be back,” Ashley said.
“It’s good having you back,” I told her. “Now tell me the truth. You got the connection between Elton John and The Who, didn’t you?”
“I have to side with Matt on this one,” Ashley said.
“Sarah would’ve gotten it,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“No she wouldn’t,” Matt confidently said.
“Okay so maybe she wouldn’t,” I acknowledged. “She would’ve at least faked it though. Something I’m sure Matt is more than familiar with.”
“That was below the belt there,” Matt said.
“I think I’ll ignore the obvious comment about your lack of performance below the belt and just change the subject,” I said. “So, Ashley, tell us about the movie.”
“Well, it’s about four friends that find a shipwreck that’s supposed to contain millions in gold. But they also find a plane nearby that smugglers are looking for,” Ashley explained.
“Interesting,” I said. “I heard something about bikinis. Tell us more about them.”
“We did spend time in bikinis, but there’s more to it than that,” Ashley said.
“And I’m sure you’re going to tell me there was more to The Gift than the ones Katie Holmes showed the world, right?” I asked her, grinning.
“No, there wasn’t,” Matt chipped in. “Well, except maybe Cate Blanchett. I’m not sure about her though since she didn’t go to the same lengths for her craft that Katie did.”
“You guys are bad,” Ashley said, trying not to laugh.
“You’ve been here before and you’re just now figuring that out?” I asked her.
“No, I already knew. I forgot just how bad though,” Ashley responded.
“We’re dirty boys. Dirty boys that need to be spanked. Preferably not by a fat guy wearing a pink tutu and eating strawberry ice cream though,” I quipped.
“I’m not even going to ask where that came from,” Ashley said.
“Good, because I’m not really sure about it myself,” I told her. “It might have been some nightmare I had along the way that was so disturbing I repressed it until this very minute.”
“My money is on it being something his ex wanted to do. She was a bit on the wild side,” Matt said.
“Which ex? Because Anna wasn’t nearly that wild,” I told him. “She’d never even think of bringing a fat guy with a tutu into the bedroom, let alone give him ice cream.”
“No, Jen,” Matt said.
“Oh. Yeah, that does sound a bit like something she’d be into,” I conceded. “Except she would’ve waited for me to leave before letting the fat guy in.”
“You’re not bitter or anything, are you?” Ashley asked me.
“Me? No, not at all,” I said. “Just because she would’ve slept her way through every army base within fifty miles given the chance doesn’t mean I have anything against her.”
“I can see that,” Ashley said.
“We should probably move on so I don’t start airing even more dirty laundry in public. I prefer my underwear to be somewhat clean when I start showing them to everyone. Besides, if I don’t stop my mom is likely to call in and tell me to shut up,” I said.
“Too late,” Matt said. “She’s already called.”
“Tell her to call me later and that I’ve already stopped,” I told Matt.
“You have to talk to your mom. You can’t just ignore her like that,” Ashley said.
“I don’t ignore my mom. Like everyone else there are times I wish I could, but I can’t. I can be a braying jackass at times, but I’ve never been able to ignore family,” I explained.
“He’s right. He is a braying jackass at times, but he’s nice to his family,” Matt offered.
“Thanks Matt,” I said, turning my head to glare at him. “But I think I can handle it myself.”
“Whatever,” Matt said.
“Anywho, I’ll talk to her later when I have more than a few seconds,” I said, shifting my attention back to Ashley.
“In that case,” Ashley said.
“Commercial time already?” I asked Matt as Sly and the Family Stone started playing We Are Family in my headphones. “I guess we’ll be back with the Top 5 and more Ashley Scott giving aural pleasure.”
“What?” Ashley asked after I’d cut the microphones.
“Aural, as in listening or hearing. Not oral pleasure as in felatio,” I told her, smirking at her confusion. “Though I’m sure there’s a member or two of our audience that will think I meant you’d be giving out blowjobs on the air.”
“Enunciate better next time, will ya?” Ashley asked. “Maybe then I wouldn’t have to wonder if I should be offended or not.”
“I could, but then I couldn’t be so amused at your reaction,” I told her.
“And to think I was going to ask what you were doing later,” Ashley said.
“I was going to do something with Matt and my nephew Mark tonight,” I told her even though she didn’t actually ask.
“Mark? Is he the one you brought to the set that day?” Ashley asked me.
“That’s him,” I responded.
“He’s a cute kid,” Ashley said.
“I’m sure he’d be thrilled to know you said that, but I don’t think he’d like being called a kid,” I told her.
“Why not? How old is he?”
“Turned seventeen a couple months ago,” I answered.
“Wow, I didn’t think he was that old,” Ashley said. “So, where are you going on your little boys night out?”
“Don’t know yet,” I replied. “Probably go to a movie or something.”
“My, what daring guys you are,” Ashley commented.
“Well, we do like to live on the edge,” I told her.
“There’s a party tonight to celebrate the opening of the movie if you want to drop by,” Ashley offered.
“Five seconds,” Matt announced.
“I’d have to ask Matt and Mark but it sounds like fun,” I told her before turning the microphones back on. “And welcome back to the show. In a moment we have today’s Top 5 list, but first I’d like to clarify something. I said ‘aural pleasure’ instead of ‘oral’ before the break. Ashley wanted me to make sure none of you thought she’d be giving out a bj on the air.”
“I said nothing of the sort,” Ashley responded. “I merely suggested you make it clearer next time.”
“Well I’m just making sure this time,” I said, handing her the list. “Anyway, it’s time for the Top 5.”
“Today’s list is Top 5 Short-lived TV Shows,” Ashley said, reading from the paper.
“I just did from the last few years, so don’t expect sci-fi shows from the 70’s that had short runs but have become cult favorites on the Sci-Fi channel,” I explained. “I also put a two year time limit because any show that lasted longer than that got as fair a shake as it was going to get.”
“Honorable Mention goes to Dark Angel,” Ashley read.
“It’s only honorable mention because the second season was terrible. I only miss it because of Jessica Alba, but that’s enough for me,” I said.
“That should’ve been enough for number one,” Matt chimed in. “Jessica Alba in tight outfits should have been enough keep it on the air for a decade.”
“It gets on the list, but I was actually kind of glad it ended when it did so it didn’t get any worse,” I said, motioning for Ashley to move on.
“Number 5 is Undeclared,” Ashley said.
“How a funny show about college with Monica Keena doesn’t make it, I’ll never know,” I said.
“Wasn’t it on Tuesdays a couple years ago?” Matt asked.
“Yeah, between That 70’s Show and 24 during 24’s first season I do believe,” I answered.
“Number 4 is Birds of Prey,” Ashley read.
“Between Ashley, Rachel Skarsten, Dina Meyer and the Batman storyline, I’m still surprised it didn’t make it,” I said. “Usually a babe factor like that in anything with comic book roots makes the fanboys come out in droves, but the WB made a huge mistake by putting it on after Dawson’s Creek instead of Smallville.”
“They’re the ones that had Angel after 7th Heaven, so you shouldn’t be surprised by that move,” Matt said.
“I know. You’d think they’d learn, but they keep making the same decisions,” I sighed.
“Number 3 is Firefly,” Ashley said.
“I didn’t see much of Firefly because I sensed it was doomed early and cut my losses after a couple episodes before I got too attached,” I said. “I’ve caught a couple more episodes since it came on the Sci-Fi channel and it definitely deserved more than a handful of episodes to find an audience.”
“Fox put it out there to fail. They didn’t want it but had already committed to it, so they gave it the worst time slot they could find. That way when it didn’t deliver what they wanted, they could cancel it and pretend they gave it a fair chance,” Matt grumbled.
“As you can tell, Matt’s still a little bitter about this subject,” I told Ashley.
“I can see that,” Ashley said. “Number 2 is Joan of Arcadia.”
“I’ll say it up front: I love Amber Tamblyn,” I said, knowing Matt would bring it up even if I didn’t. “The writing suffered a little in the second season for Joan, but Amber was so amazing to watch that it didn’t matter. She owned every scene like very few others on TV and it’s almost tragic to lose that.”
“Quit being so dramatic,” Matt told me. “She was good, but not that good. You just think she’s hot.”
“It’s already well established that I’m her bitch. I watched every episode of Joan of Arcadia, saw The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and would watch her recite the phone book in a pair of stretch pants and a baggy sweatshirt, but looks alone didn’t get her show up this high. If they did, Dark Angel would’ve been higher,” I responded, motioning for Ashley to move on.
“Number 1 is Wonderfalls,” Ashley said, tossing the list aside when she was done.
“One of the best tv shows of the last several years, period,” I said. “It was a great concept that was executed almost perfectly. And then there’s always the fact that Caroline Dhavernas is just too cute for words.”
“I agree with you on this one. It was too funny for its own good though,” Matt commented.
“I don’t know if its possible to be too funny for your own good, but I do think it was a little too offbeat for the average viewer. It would’ve had a great shot on cable where a couple million viewers can make a show a huge hit though,” I said. “It could’ve done extremely well on FX. Imagine it paired with Rescue Me, or even splitting time with it on Wednesdays like they’ve done with The Shield and Nip/Tuck on Tuesdays.”
“That would’ve been a smart move, something Fox isn’t exactly well known for lately,” Matt said.
“They’ve kept Arrested Development around when by rights it should’ve joined the list of brilliant-but-canceled shows, so I can’t be too disparaging of them,” I said.
“True, but now I have to ask you where Tru Calling is,” Matt said.
“It was a tough choice for number five, but I gave the edge to Undeclared because I thought it had more potential,” I replied. “Tru was a special case in that I really wouldn’t have minded if it had been canceled after a handful of episodes. It really wasn’t until Jack showed up that it felt like there was some kind of plan for the show, something more than just Tru saving a different person every episode. My biggest qualm with it was the way Fox handled it. If you’re going to pick a show up for a second season then let it get to the air before deciding it’s not going to work.”
“Yet another show Fox screwed over, what a surprise,” Matt sarcastically said.
“Rupert Murdoch is up there on my list of enemies, but I really should defend Fox here. You can look at it as them canceling all these great shows, or you can look it as them taking chances on shows that are different rather than the same old bland material,” I said. “Granted they don’t seem willing to give those shows the extra time they need to develop, but at least they’re trying in the first place. It’s more than can be said for a network like CBS.”
“It still doesn’t make me hate them any less,” Matt said.
“I applaud anyone’s decision to hate anything associated with News Corp., especially yours, but at least they’re putting something of quality out there in the first place,” I said as Placebo started playing in my headphones. “While a friend that bleeds is indeed better, I’m not really in the mood for Pure Morning right now. How ’bout some Bad Religion?”
“Band or song?” Matt asked.
“Damn, thought I’d get you on that one,” I muttered. “Play the song.”
“There you go,” Matt said as Godsmack started playing.
“You sticking around?” I asked Ashley. “I know you were supposed to leave right about now, but you can stay if you want.”
“Would love to, but I have other stuff to do today,” Ashley said.
“In that case, go see Into The Blue so Ashley can keep on working. Matt and I will be back after the commercials, but without Ashley to keep us entertained we might have to start singing karaoke for your amusement. So stick around because it might very well turn into a giant train wreck and you don’t want to miss it,” I said before turning off the microphones.
“So, you never answered whether you were coming tonight,” Ashley said as she pulled off her headphones.
“I don’t know for sure, but it shouldn’t be too hard to convince Matt and Mark to go,” I answered. “Before you leave, can I ask you something?”
“Shoot,” Ashley said.
“Do you normally crawl into bed with a guy you’re just friends with?”
“Are you asking if I’m easy?” Ashley returned.
“No, but that kind of information would be nice to know,” I answered. “It’s just something I need a woman’s perspective on.”
“Depends,” Ashley replied. “If I want sex then sure, why not, you know? But I don’t normally crawl into bed with guys just looking to sleep.”
“That’s what I thought,” I said. “Now, for the other question. Are you easy?”
Ashley laughed slightly and smile at me. “I tell you what. I’ll tell you tonight when you show up.”
“Tell Matt Jessica Alba will be there and you won’t be able to keep him out, no matter how hard you try,” I told her.
+ * + * +
As I pulled up to my house I saw that Elisha’s car was still there. Grabbing the cup of coffee I’d bought knowing Elisha would need it I headed into the house.
“Rise and shine,” I said, shaking Elisha’s feet under the sheet that covered her.
“Don’t wanna,” Elisha mumbled, kicking at my hands.
“Come on, time to wake up,” I told her, pulling the sheet back to reveal her in a white t-shirt my sister had brought me back from Mexico.
“You better have coffee,” Elisha grumbled as she sat up and dangled her legs over the edge of the bed.
“Right here,” I said, pushing the cup towards her hands.
“Thank you,” Elisha said, blindly reaching for the cup. When she missed, I grabbed her hand and put the cup in it so she could take a drink. “Now I don’t have to kill you.”
“You couldn’t kill me,” I told her. “If you tried, I’d just talk really loud and you’d drop to the floor holding your head and screaming in pain because of your hangover.”
“Its not that bad,” Elisha said, standing up mighty unsteadily for someone that doesn’t have a hangover.
“You sure about that?” I loudly asked her as she pulled on her pants.
“Of course I am,” she said, wincing at my raised voice. “What time is it?”
“Sometime between midnight and noon,” I replied.
“Fine, I’ll check myself,” she said, turning to look at the clock. “Ooh, I gotta go. I have some things to do today and I have a date tonight. I’ll bring you back your shirt tomorrow
I was so surprised by the fact she had a date that before I could ask her about it she’d already grabbed the rest of her stuff and headed for the front door. Just when I was beginning to think she might have more in mind for me than just friends she says she has a date and leaves. It was slightly befuddling and left me questioning everything, including why the sky was blue.
Before I could get too engrossed in questioning reality though, the phone rang. I had a pretty good idea who it was before I even picked it up, but I picked it up anyway.
“It’s your mother,” my mom announced as though I wouldn’t have recognized her voice.
“Hey mom, how’s life?” I asked her.
“I think your father has decided he wants a motorcycle,” she responded.
“Isn’t it a little late for his mid-life crisis? Shouldn’t he have had it like 10 years ago?” I asked.
“His sixtieth birthday is in a couple months so I think that’s what got him started,” she answered.
“Tell him to get a sports car like everyone else. They’re safer,” I told her.
“I don’t know about that,” my mom said.
“Tell him to go buy an older one that’s a little beat up. It’ll be cheaper and Matt likes him well enough to work on it for him. If he gets a Corvette or a classic Mustang Matt would probably pay to be able to work on it,” I said. “Then dad would get his car, it would keep him busy, and Matt would even get something out of it.”
“Maybe if it was cheap enough, but he doesn’t really need anything,” she said.
“Think of it like shoes from a woman’s perspective. Even if you don’t need any more you still look at them when you’re shopping and buy some if you find a good deal. And with cars you can trade them in and get money back, which you can’t do with shoes,” I explained.
“I also don’t buy shoes that cost thousands of dollars,” my mom said, pointing out the one flaw in my analogy.
“You get my point though, don’t you?” I asked her.
“I guess,” she conceded. “Now, what about that girl that was on your show today? She seemed nice.”
“Yes mom, she was,” I said, knowing exactly where she was heading.
“You should ask her out. She sounded like she liked you,” she said, taking it exactly where I thought she would. “After all, it’s hard to settle down and get married if you don’t date
“I know mom,” I responded. Over the last several months I’d been having the same thoughts, but it didn’t help any having your mom harp on it.
“Too bad it didn’t work out with Anna. I liked her,” she said.
“I did too, and we still talk, but we’ve got different lives now,” I told her.
“Then what about that other one? That blonde one?” she asked, obviously not content to let it go.
“Yeah, her,” she replied.
“We’re just friends,” I said. Truthfully I had no idea about Elisha, but I wasn’t going to give my mom any more ammunition than she already had.
“She’s cute and she likes you. You should ask her out,” she said.
“I’ll think about it, but there’s someone at the door,” I said. There wasn’t anyone at the door, but a little lie was better than continuing to be grilled about my sex life in my opinion.
“Okay, I’ll let you go then,” she said. “Love you.”
“Love you too mom,” I said before hanging up.
+ * + * +
As the three of us approached the house where the party was being held I saw Ashley step out of the shadows in front. She leaned against one of the pillars and waited for us.
“What took you so long?” Ashley asked when we reached her. She was wearing a light yellow dress that came down to about her knees with spaghetti straps holding it up. She had her blonde hair pulled back into a twist that rested on the back of her head with what looked like a yellow stick stuck through it to hold it together. All in all it was a very appealing sight.
“Well, these two had to get ready. And then we had to argue over who was going to drive and who’s car to take,” I responded. “Mark lost right off the bat because we didn’t want to risk our lives with him behind the wheel. Then Matt and I played a nice game of rock-paper-scissors, which Matt won with scissors cutting my paper.”
“I haven’t played that game since I was a kid,” Ashley said as we walked toward the front door.
“I’m finding a bar,” Matt said once we were inside. He peeled off to one side and Mark muttered something about girls and went off in a different direction leaving me alone with Ashley.
“You plan that or something?” Ashley asked me, smirking as she watched Matt and Mark escape in different directions. “You didn’t have to tell them to get lost if you wanted to be alone with me.”
“I didn’t tell them anything. Matt is finding a bar because he just doesn’t feel comfortable in this kind of setting. Reminds him too much of his childhood and he doesn’t really like it,” I replied. “And Mark is just a horny seventeen year old guy so the only thing on his mind is girls.”
“If he wanted girls, he should’ve stayed with you. He could learn a thing or two,” Ashley said.
“What could I teach him? I have no idea what I’m doing half the time,” I told her.
“Well for one thing you look a woman in the eye when you talk to her,” Ashley said.
“That’s only because I learned to be a little crafty and furtive about it,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “I look just like any other guy, I just don’t do it as openly and for so long that it makes women uncomfortable.”
“It’s still more than most guys ever learn,” Ashley said as we approached a young blonde. “I’m sure you know who this is.”
“How could I forget a cutie like Rachel?” I asked Ashley as Rachel Skarsten turned her attention to us.
“You remember Richie, don’t you Rachel?” Ashley asked Rachel.
“Not really, but I probably should,” Rachel said, smiling at me as she shook my hand.
“He was the one that came to the set with his nephew just before they canceled us,” Ashley explained.
“Oh, the one you fucked in your trailer,” Rachel said.
“I’m not sure whether I should be thrilled to be remembered like that or not,” I said.
“Go ahead and be thrilled. Everyone else is,” Ashley joked.
“Well, as long as everyone else is doing it,” I said.
“Come on,” Ashley said, tugging on my arm and leading into the crowd of people.
She led me around me the party introducing me to people. Some I’d met before, most I hadn’t. Most of the ones I hadn’t met before I knew I’d forget by the end of the night, and didn’t feel particularly sorry for that fact either. They were simply boring people stuffed into suits drinking champagne and talking about industry stuff that only mattered to the number crunchers within the industry.
“Excuse me,” I finally said to Ashley. “I have something I should probably do.”
I made my way through the crowd toward the bar. Once there I saw Mark taking hold of a beer. Before he could lift it to his mouth I snatched it out of his hand.
“Thank you, I was just thinking about getting one. How nice of you to get one for me,” I told him.
“Oh, come on,” Mark whined.
“You know your mother would kill me if you got drunk on my watch,” I informed him.
“I wasn’t going to get drunk. It was just one beer,” he pouted.
“Until it was gone, then it would’ve been one more beer. And then one more, and one more,” I countered. “Trust me, I know all about it. Next thing you know you’re plastered and passed out in the punch bowl while your date makes out with the captain of the football team.”
“Are we still talking about me?” Mark asked.
“Of course not. Do you see a punch bowl around here? The point is you’re not supposed to be drinking anything stronger than coffee,” I told him.
“You’ve let me have a beer before,” he pointed out.
“I’ve also let you mix soda and pop rocks, but I don’t see you clamoring for that at the moment,” I sarcastically remarked. Seeing Rachel walk by, I grabbed Mark and followed after her.
“Where are we going?” Mark asked.
“Rachel,” I called to her. “Hey, could you watch Mark for me?”
“You want me to baby-sit him?” Rachel asked, looking at Mark. “Isn’t he a little big for that.”
“I don’t need a baby-sitter,” Mark complained.
“Just keep an eye on him, make sure he stays out of trouble. You know, that kind of thing,” I told her. I knew that Mark would listen to someone like Rachel. He was too much like me to ignore a cute girl.
“I guess,” Rachel said.
“Thanks,” I told her. “I owe you one.”
“Actually, you owe me two, but who’s counting,” Rachel muttered.
“That’s the spirit,” I said before leaving them behind.
I started looking for Ashley, but couldn’t find her. Actually, I only made it to the other end of the bar where I found Matt. He was busy talking to Kate Hudson but that never stopped me before.
“You’re not in the movie, are you?” Matt asked Kate as I pulled up next to them.
“No, Jessica invited me so I came to do the Hollywood thing. You know, mingle and make sure people remember who I am,” Kate replied.
“Hey Matt,” I said, butting into their conversation.
“Hey Richie, I’m sure you know who Kate is,” Matt greeted me.
“We’ve met before,” I told him.
“We have?” Kate asked, her face a mask of concentration as she searched for where she might have met me.
“A little over a year ago you were in New York and had lunch with Anna Paquin,” I supplied.
“I remember Anna but not you,” Kate said. “Wait, were you the boyfriend?”
“That I was,” I replied.
“Now I remember you. Anna was gushing like a schoolgirl about you,” Kate said. “Too bad you broke her heart.”
“She’s the one that told me to take the job,” I defensively said.
“Oh, I didn’t hear that part. I just know that it took her a while to get back to normal,” Kate said before turning her attention back to Matt. “So, how have you been? How come you never have me on that radio show of yours anymore?”
“It’s Richie’s show now,” Matt answered. “I tried to get you in for your last movie but the scheduling never worked out.”
“Next time go through me instead of my agent. I’ll make it work out,” Kate said.
“I’ll do that,” Matt said.
“I have to go schmooze a little more but make sure you find me and say goodbye before you leave,” Kate said.
“Only if you do the same if you leave first,” Matt said.
“Oh, I will,” Kate said. “It was nice seeing you again Ricky.”
“It’s actually Richie,” I said, but she was already swallowed up by the crowd and out of sight before I was able to correct her. Shrugging, I turned my attention back to Matt. “So, you know Kate Hudson?”
“I told you I knew her a long time ago,” Matt said. “My parents belonged to the same country club as her parents.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t believe you,” I said. “I mean, how was I to know that your snooty parents would actually put up with belonging to the same club as Snake Plissken.”
“He’s the coolest guy too,” Matt said. “I met him a couple times and you would love him.”
“Then use those connections of yours to get him the studio so I can meet,” I said.
“It should be easier than that time you told me to, and I quite, ‘track down that cute blonde that was on Arrested Development.’ Portia’s a cute blonde and several cute blondes have been on the show, but did you bother to elaborate any? No,” Matt grumbled.
“I think I’ll go wait over there somewhere while you work out your little problem,” I told him.
Before I could get to the other side of the room though, I felt hands on my back. Turning my head to who was behind me I saw Ashley pushing toward the back door. Once outside she let go of me and moved to walk beside me.
“It’s so much nicer out here, isn’t it?” she asked me.
There were Chinese lanterns strung all over the backyard and even more people milling around the pool. There were even a couple people sitting on the end of the diving board dangling their feet in the water while they sipped their drinks. A real party would’ve had naked people in the pool already, yet every piece of clothing I could see was completely dry.
“I’ve always preferred the night,” I agreed.
We walked along a path past the people and once it got past the pool house the crowd dissipated. The frequency of the Chinese lanterns waned as well, but there was still enough light to see where you were going.
“You never asked your question,” Ashley pointed out as we walked by a gazebo that had vines of ivy or something similar growing over it. The vines were so thick that instead of being open on all sides the ivy had almost closed off all but the entrance and exit.
“If you were easy or not?” I asked her.
“That’s the one,” she said, pushing me into the gazebo.
“So, are you?” I asked, wondering where it was leading.
“I’m not easy, but I’m not hard to get either,” Ashley said, leaning in to whisper in my ear. Her hot breath in my ear and her breasts pressing against my arm had a definite effect on me as my temperature rose several degrees in a matter of seconds. “Fuck me.”
“Here?” I asked her, looking around to see if anyone was around.
She responded by grabbing the waistband of my pants. Her hands worked on my belt as she pressed her upper body against mine.
“Here’s good,” I said as I wrapped my arms around her.
My hands grabbed her dress just above her waist and began bunching it up. By the time she had my pants undone the hemline of her dress was in my hands and I had started moving it even higher.
“Sit,” Ashley said. She pulled my pants and underwear down and pushing me down onto one of the benches in the middle of the gazebo in one motion.
She reached under her dress to remove her panties dropping it back into place. Moving up to me, she pushed me onto my back on the bench and threw a leg over me. She brought herself down and I could feel the heat of her pussy against my cock as it was pinned between us.
Instead of moving to take me inside her, she rotated her hips and slid her pussy along my cock while her fingers worked the buttons on my shirt. When she was finished with my shirt, she let it hang open and leaned down to lick along my breastbone to my adam’s apple.
While she was doing that, I kicked off my shoes so I could get one of my legs out of my pants. With one leg free, I draped both of them off the bench and placed my feet on the ground. I grabbed hold of her ass and lifted her up.
Getting the message, she sat up and reached down between us. Grabbing my cock she lined it up with her pussy. She took a moment to look me straight in the eyes with a look of unadulterated hunger before sinking down on it.
“Mmm,” she quietly cooed as she was filled.
After taking a moment to savour the feeling she planted her feet and slowly lifted herself up off me before dropping back down. She repeated the motion a couple times before stopping to swivel her hips and swirl her pussy around my cock. She continued that pattern for several minutes, turning up the heat a little but keeping it at a low simmer rather than a raging boil.
As Ashley slowly fucked herself with my cock I reached up and grabbed the straps of her dress. I pulled them down her arms and was rewarded by the sight of her braless tits. Unable to help myself, I quickly cupped them and she moaned her approval.
Leaning her head back she held my hands against her chest as I kneaded her breasts. Her nipples quickly hardened under my ministrations and she began to move a little quicker. She still wasn’t moving as fast as I would’ve liked though.
Hoping to pick up the pace a little I started raising my hips to meet her thrusts. It work slightly as she leaned forward against my hands and began to thrust herself onto my cock with a little more force and stopped taking as much time in between.
Moving my hands from her chest, I caressed my way down her sides before taking hold of her hips. My thumbs extended to her waist while my fingers splayed out and dug into the top of her ass. Her hands went with mine and they grasped my wrists as she began rocking on top of me.
Unable to take the slow approach any more, I held her steady while I planted my feet. I drove up into her with as much force as I could muster. My orgasm was close enough that I gave up on being gentle and let my animal lust take over.
“Fuck me,” Ashley moaned quietly as her orgasm took her. Her already tight pussy clamped down on me like a vise.
“Gonna come soon,” I hissed, slowing down in hopes of prolonging the pleasure a little longer.
With that she raised herself up and slid off me. She motioned for me to slide down the bench until just my ass was at the end of the bench.
Kneeling between my legs she grabbed my cock and licked the underside from ball sack to head. Taking me into her mouth, she applied and suction and sucked in about half my cock. Her tongue swirled around the shaft as she licked off the pussy juice that had collected on it.
Just as I about to explode, she suddenly pulled off. One of her hands squeezed the base of my cock to keep me coming while the other stroked me to keep me on the edge.
“Now, should I swallow or should I let you come on my face?” Ashley rhetorically asked.
“Need to come,” I pleaded, sitting up. “Please, for the love of God.”
“I better swallow. Wouldn’t want to get it on my dress,” Ashley finally announced.
Once she’d made up her mind, and made me suffer, she let go of the base of my cock and took the head back into her mouth. Her hands stroked my shaft as she sucked on just the head.
I grabbed the back of her head and pushed until she started sucking more of me into her mouth. She began bobbing her head up and down about half my length until my cock started pulsing between her lips. With just the head in her mouth, she applied as much suction as she could, virtually sucking my essence right out of me.
“Fuck,” I hissed, my whole body going rigid. My eyes rolled back in my head and my vision blurred to the point I saw nothing but dark shapes as I exploded in her mouth. When she finally let up I collapsed back onto the bench with a sigh of pleasure.
“You don’t think you’re done yet, do you?” Ashley said, wiping her mouth with her thumb and index finger to catch any overflow as she stood up.
I sat up as she unzipped her dress and let it drop to the floor. She struck a pose for me with one hand on her hip and the other on the back of her head before moving to one side of the gazebo. Turning her back to me she got up on her knees on one of the benches and grabbed the railing.
“Let’s see if that tongue is good at something other than talking,” she said over her shoulder as I came up behind her.
Dropping to my knees behind her I gripped her ass cheeks in my hands. Parting them I let my tongue lap away at her pussy, collecting some of the juices that had amassed. Keeping those juices on my tongue I started moving toward her asshole. When she didn’t object I gave her rosebud a couple pokes before moving back to her pussy.
“Mmm, yeah,” Ashley moaned when my tongue found her clit.
I moved my finger and used it to massage her nub while my tongue made broad strokes along the length of her slit. Every so often I slipped my tongue back to flick across her anus. When she started pushing back against my tongue harder when it was knocking at her backdoor than when it was at the front, I used the thumb of my free hand to rub her asshole.
“Fuck my ass,” Ashley demanded as my thumb pressed against her asshole.
Not needing to be told twice I quickly stood up. As she leaned forward against the side of the gazebo and stuck her ass out for me, I pried her butt cheeks apart with one hand. With the other I grabbed my cock.
“Ooh,” Ashley moaned when I unexpectedly dipped my cock into her pussy to get it as wet as possible.
After removing my manhood from her snatch I aimed it at her puckered anus. Pressing it against her backdoor I waited for her to relax. Once she started to loosen up I pushed until the head popped past the muscle and she gave a groan of pain mixed with pleasure.
With the head firmly planted in her ass, I moved one hand to her hips and the other moved down to frig her clit while she got used to having me inside her. When she started pushing back against me I got the hint and applied steady pressure, driving more of my cock into her ass. Once I finally bottomed out I gave her another moment to catch up.
“Fuck me,” Ashley breathlessly said, moving one of her hands down to join mine in massaging her clit.
Since she had her clit under control, I moved my hand up to join my other one on her hips. I gritted my teeth at how tight her asshole was around me as I slowly extracted myself. When I was almost halfway out I pushed back into her with a little more force, drawing a moan from Ashley.
“Harder,” she demanded, rising up slightly to present a better target.
Doing as I was told, I put my right foot up on the bench next to her and used her hips as leverage to pull her back onto me. With every stroke I made into her I picked up a little more speed and gave her a little more length. By the time I was stroking my length in and out of her asshole I was at full ramming speed.
Even though I’d just come I could already feel my come starting to rise again. Not wanting to give up her ass just yet I began to slow down again. She hissed in frustration but I didn’t want to have to pull out and call it a night quite yet, not with her anus gripping me so snugly.
As I settled into a slower pace, I let my right hand wander up to the small of her back. My fingers brushed across the bird tattoo that started just above the crack of her ass. As my cock plunged in and out between her butt cheeks I traced the outline of her tattoo with my index and middle fingers.
“Faster,” Ashley pleaded, pushing back at me in an effort to get me to speed up.
Moving my foot off the bench I reach forward and cupped her tits in my hands. I pulled her back against me as I began thrusting up into her ass. My fingers pinched her nipples between them as I began pounding into her.
“Yesss,” Ashley hissed, frantically rubbing her clit as she raced toward orgasm.
Letting go of one of her breasts I moved it down to join her own hand on her pussy. Seeing that her clit was well taken care of I moved my hand down even further and pushed a finger into her dripping snatch. The double penetration seemed to be just what she needed to finish her off.
She reached behind me and grabbed my hair so she could my head to her. Crashing my mouth against hers she let out a moan that would’ve been loud enough to wake the neighbors if it hadn’t been muffled.
As her asshole clamped down on my cock, I couldn’t hold out any longer. I made one last, quick jab into ass before I erupted. I buried myself in her and let out a little scream of my own into her mouth. As my come spewed forth into her holiest of holes my hips began jerking involuntarily, moving my cock inside her just a little but enough to extend both our orgasms.
As I pulled out of her, I stumbled backward and sat down heavily on one of the benches. Not quite having the energy to get back up, I stayed there for a moment and watched Ashley get up.
“Don’t make it three more years, okay,” Ashley said, picking up her dress.
“I definitely won’t,” I promised as she put her dress on.
“I’m going to hold you to that,” she said as she slipped her panties back on. “Zip me up?”
After I’d zipped her up she gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. Before I could say anything else she turned and left, her freshly fucked ass swaying nicely and reminding me that I should get dressed as well.
Poking my head out of the gazebo I checked to see if the coast was clear. When I saw that it was I headed for the house because I needed to make a stop in the bathroom and then track down Mark and Matt.
+ * + * +
When I found Mark I had to smile to myself. He had Rachel pressed against the stair railing with his mouth firmly attached to hers. If I hadn’t been ready to leave I might’ve left him there to see just how far he could get. I was ready to go though, and I’ve always liked torturing the kid, so I decided to break them apart.
“Come on Mark, let’s go,” I told him.
“Not yet,” Mark insisted with one hand on Rachel’s breast and the other on her ass.
“I’ll help you out here,” I told him. “Were you going to have sex with him tonight Rachel?”
“No,” Rachel said.
“See Mark, I didn’t ruin your chances,” I told Mark.
“Yes you did,” Mark grunted.
“Okay fine, I’ll ask her,” I said. “Did I ruin his chances?”
“Not really,” Rachel said, before kissing Mark’s chin.
“Then give him your number so he can call you later and we can leave,” I said.
Mark glared at me but that stopped for a moment when Rachel pulled a pen out of her purse that was sitting on the table next to them and then grabbed his hand. As she wrote her phone number on the palm of his hand he softened a bit. When she was done though he went right back to hating me.
“What’d you do that for?” Mark demanded as I led him away from Rachel.
“Because I felt like it,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “You know your mom would freak out if she knew you were making out with an older woman.”
“You’re not going to tell her, are you?”
“Yeah, and right after that I’ll sing Toby Keith songs until the sun comes up,” I responded. “If I told her, it would ruin any chance you have with Rachel. You know I wouldn’t block you like that. I might interrupt your fun a little, but I wouldn’t kill it altogether.”
“Yeah right,” Mark said, rolling his eyes.
“Hey, I want you to get somewhere with her just as much as you do,” I told him. “But right now we need to find Matt.”