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Adventures in Radio #1 – Elisha Cuthbert
“Welcome to KPLA 107.3 FM, I’m your host Richie Tozier. On today’s show we have Britney
news, the daily top 5 list, and an in studio interview with the beautiful Elisha Cuthbert
from the Fox show ’24.’ Stick around, you
don’t want to miss it,” I said as I hit the button
to play Vanessa Carlton’s new song Ordinary Day. While the song was playing, I got up to fill
up my coffee cup.
The station manager, Kenny, saw me and came over to chit chat while I got my coffee. “I’m
really looking forward to your interview today. Elisha’s not the biggest star yet, but hopefully
when she hits it big she’ll remember us and come back.”
“Yeah, our ratings could use it. I’m surprised we were able to get her,” I said between sips
of coffee. “Well, the song’s almost over so I should get back to the booth or we’ll be listening
to dead air.”
As I walked back into the booth, I saw Elisha walk past and into Kenny’s office. ‘Wow, she
looks even more beautiful in person,’ I mused to myself. “That was Vanessa Carlton. Coming up, we
have Nelly, Avril, Santana with Michelle Branch, and right after the break is our interview with
Elisha Cuthbert from ’24’.”
When the commercials started, Kenny brought Elisha into the booth. “Richie, this is Elisha.
Elisha, Richie. I’ll let you two talk a little before your interview starts,” Kenny said as he
left the booth.
“So, how do you like the show?” Elisha asked me.
“I love it. I tuned in to the first episode to see what the hype was about and got hooked.
I’m also really glad to see Kiefer Sutherland back. I’ve always been a fan, but I won’t ask you
what it’s like to work with him,” I said motioning to the copy of FHM that she did last month.
“Wow, you actually read the interview? I thought guys just bought them for the pictures.”
“Oh, I do that too. I just happened to go back and read the interview when I found out you
were going to be on my show.”
“At least I’m not a complete sex object to you then,” she said laughing.
“Me, objectify women? Never. Excuse me just a moment,” I said as I hit the button to turn on
the new Santana song with Michelle Branch. “Seriously, I admit that I like to look at beautiful
women, I am a guy after all, but I realize that women weren’t put here to satisfy my every whim.
Life would be a whole lot easier if they did, but they’ve got minds of their own.”
“I know that, I was just messing with you. A good looking guy catches my eye too, so I’m not
gonna sit here and argue that it’s wrong for a man to look at women.”
“Just another second,” I said as the song came to an end. “Welcome back, I’m now joined by
Elisha Cuthbert. How’s the show going Elisha?”
“It’s going great. The season premiere was last Tuesday. And hopefully we can build on last
season and continue to be one of the best shows on TV.”
“For those of you that don’t know, Elisha plays Kim Bauer on ’24.’ Kiefer Sutherland plays
special agent Jack Bauer of the Counter Terrorism Unit of the CIA. Last season, Kim and her friend
were kidnapped in a plot to get Jack’s help in assassinating Senator David Palmer. Then Jack’s
wife Teri was kidnapped as well. At mid-season Jack rescued them and took them to a safe house only
to have the safe house hit. Kim and Teri were able to escape safely, but Teri fainted and developed
amnesia. While Teri was working on getting her memory back, Kim found herself involved in a drug
deal that landed her in jail. To complicate matters, people inside the CTU were conspiring with
the assassins and feeding them information. It all ended with a dockside shootout between Jack
and Victor Drazen, played by Dennis Hopper. It may sound far fetched when you tell it like that, but
it’s so well done that you don’t have a second to think about how unlikely it is. It’s hands down
the best show on TV. Nothing even comes close.”
“I see you actually watched the show. Either that or someone did a great job of briefing you,”
“I told you during the break, I’m a huge fan of the show. When FX did their 24 hours of ’24’
marathon, I sat in front of the TV and watched the entire thing.”
“Glad to hear that our show is so well liked. We just wanted to make the best show we possibly
could. When Kiefer won the Golden Globe for male actor in a drama, we knew we must be doing something
“Some people argue that the events in the show could never happen and therefore are totally
unbelievable. To those people all I have to say is that the Angels won the World Series. If that can
happen then anything is possible.”
Laughing, she said “being from Canada, I’m more of a hockey girl. Give me a hockey game and I’m
“Well then, the Angels winning the World Series is like the Maple Leafs winning the Stanley Cup.
They may get close and look like they could do it, but always seem to fade when it matters.”
“I’d hit you for that, but unfortunately it’s true. Us Leaf fans are a long suffering bunch.”
“On that note, here’s Creed with One Last Breath because I think I may only have one last breath
before she kills me for talking smack about her beloved Maple Leafs. Are you going to stick around,
or should I say goodbye now?” I ask as the music starts playing in the background.
“This is my last interview of the day, so I guess I could stick around if you vow your eternal
servitude to the Maple Leafs.”
“OK, I guess I’ll be seeing you some time later. My New Jersey Devils won’t let me sell my soul
any other team.”
“I’ll stick around anyway, even though Leafs and Devils usually don’t get along,” she said before
the microphones went dead.
“Want some coffee? Or there’s a vending machine if you want something to eat.”
“No, I’m good. What a waste, you being a Devils fan and all. How does a guy in LA become a fan
of a New Jersey team anyway?”
“Honestly? I was in my heavy metal, long hair, evil loving phase and the Devils moniker caught
my attention. This was back in ’95 when they won the Stanley Cup, and the fact they won hooked me on
then. I once dated a woman from Philadelphia who was a huge Flyers fan. Needless to say, whenever
the Flyers and Devils played we watched in different rooms and whoever won got bragging rights until
the next time they played.”
“That’s so funny,” she said. “With a story like that, most guys would’ve just made one up.”
“It’s better than liking a team just because it’s winning. My nephew’s terrible about that. He’ll
turn on a game and root for whoever is ahead. If the lead changes, so does his allegiance. Outside of
hockey, most of my teams are teams my dad liked. I had to suffer for a decade as a Rams fan because
that was his team. While everyone around me was a Raiders or 49ers fan, I was stuck hopelessly pulling
for the Rams,” I said as I switched the songs and Avril started singing about her Skater Boi.
“Did he force you to pull for them, or was it your choice?”
“It was my choice, but when you see something over and over you start to do it yourself. Kind of
like when you go down south, after a while you start to sub-consciously speak with a southern drawl.
When people around you are always rooting for one team, you start to root for that team as well. I
still blamed my dad for it though, it’s the way it’s supposed to be after all. No matter what, son
blames dad,” I said with a chuckle.
Pushing the button, we were back on the air. “We’re back with Elisha Cuthbert. She must be
forgiving because she only maimed me for dissing the Toronto Maple Leafs. And that brings us to today’s
top 5 list. As you may or may not know Elisha, I’d like to do a top 10 list like Letterman but this is
radio and 5 is all we can afford.”
“I didn’t know that, but I guess it makes sense,” she said giggling.
“Do you want to read today’s list? Traditionally our guests read the list seeing as how the list is
usually in their honor. Today’s list is the ‘Top 5 Most Beautiful Canadian Women,'” I said as I handed
her the piece of paper with the list on it.
“OK, let’s see. Honorable mention goes to Avril Lavigne, Kristin Kreuk from Smallville, and Jessica
Alba. Wait, she’s not Canadian is she?”
“I heard that she was half Canadian, but I was unable to confirm that. Or even if she is half
Canadian, whether she has Canadian citizenship. That’s why she was only honorable mention instead of high
on the list. Basically, it’s just a way for me to say that I love Jessica Alba.”
“OK, Number 5 is Mia Kirshner. She was a guest star on the first couple episodes of ’24’ with me.
She’s great, and very beautiful too. If she’s only #5 then you must have a great top 4.”
“She caught my attention when she was in The Crow: City of Angels. It’s not the best movie, but she
made it worth watching. Then when I tuned into the first episode of ’24’ I saw her name in the opening
credits and there she was seducing the photographer, stealing his ID, and blowing up the plane while she
parachuted to safety. Talk about a turn on,” I said with a grin.
“Number 4 is Rachel Perry. Who’s she? The name sounds familiar.”
“She’s a VJ on VH1. She’s mainly on in the morning, but she does the news most of the time too. She
was in Stuff a couple months ago. I’m normally not big on tattoos on the stomach, but she has a
hummingbird on each side of her stomach. It makes it look like their flying out of her you know what.
All in all, she’s a very beautiful woman.”
“Number 3 is Anna Paquin.”
“She won an Oscar for The Piano, and was in She’s All That with Freddie Prinze Jr. who’s also known
as Mr. Sarah Michelle Gellar. Most people probably now know her from X-Men. She’s a stunner to say the
“Number 2 is Shania Twain. Let me just say that I love her music. I know a lot of guys just think
she’s hot, but she’s written some great songs as well,” Elisha pointed out.
“I wasn’t sure about her new song the first time I heard it, but it’s really grown on me. I love
the line ‘you’re a fine piece of real estate and I’m gonna get me some land.’ Talk about an instant
“I never noticed that line before, but you’re right that it’s funny. Back to the list, the number
1 most beautiful Canadian woman is… Elisha Cuthbert. Wow, I can’t believe you made me #1. I’m SO not
the most beautiful. I don’t think I even deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as most of these
“It’s my list and I dictate who gets placed where, and you’re hands down the best Canada has to
offer. I even ran the list past a few of the men around here. Once I showed them your Maxim spread,
they were barely able to speak so I guess they fully agreed. In fact, shortly after that my copy
disappeared. I was finally able to trace it to Craig, the night DJ. If any of our listeners want to
dispute the list, they’re free to call in and give an opinion. But unless they’ve seen Elisha, then
they’re not making an informed choice and will have their votes disqualified.”
“You’re making me blush here,” she said, covering her face with her hands.
“Today’s Friday which means that tonight the station will be broadcasting from a secret location
that will be revealed later. Would you like to come out and give our two fans an actual reason to come
watch the show? It turns into one big party. Everyone from the station goes down, hangs out in a bar and
gets loaded with our fans. We love our fans and this way we can show them we care. One of these days our
bribery and self debauchery just might double our listenership to four.”
“Since I’ve had such a fun time talking to you today, I think will show up. Give me the address and
count me in.”
“OK, well time for some commercials. I’ll give you the address and then see you there tonight,” I
said as I hit the button and a commercial for Taco Bell started playing. “One quick favor. Will you sign
“Sure, I’ll trade my signature for free drinks tonight.”
Thinking about it for about a second, I said “of course. There’s no real downside that deal you know.
I get my magazines signed AND I get to liquor you up. It’d be like saying no to free money,” I said as she
signed my magazines.
On her way out, she said “bye, see you tonight. And remember, my drinks are on you.”
“I won’t forget, but if you wake up next to me in the morning, it was all your fault. It couldn’t be
mine, because as far as I’m concerned there’s nothing to find fault with waking up next to you,” I said
“Oh, I’m not so sure that would be all bad,” she flirted back.
The rest of my shift my mind reeled about whether she had meant that last comment or not. ‘Of course
she hadn’t,’ my mind reasoned. ‘After all, you are only a nerdy disc jockey and she’s one of the hottest
young actresses around. You were flirting, so she was just returning the favor, that’s all.’ But the feeling
that something might happen tonight continued to persist.
“As always, the final song of the day is by request. By request of Rachel, here’s a song that I
absolutely love. The song is Freak Show by the band Stretch Princess,” I said as I hit the button to start
Taking my headphones off, I got ready to go. “Great show today,” Kenny called after me as I was walking
out the door. Turning around, I waved goodbye as the door shut behind me. I pulled out my keys and whistled
a little tune as I walked to my car. Hopping in my late 90’s, I put the key in the ignition and turned on
the radio. As I pulled out of the parking lot to make the fifteen minute drive home, I put in a Liz Phair
CD and listened to Liz tell me she wanted to be my blow job queen.
It was about 2:30 when I pulled up to my house. Getting out, I surveyed the street and noticed that my
neighbor was tanning in her front yard. She’s a cute little blonde that I’d had a bit of a thing for in the
six months or so since I’d moved in. She’s married to a guy who makes pretty good money, so there’s little
chance of anything happening, but that never stopped me from flirting with her though.
“Looking good Marie,” I called out.
Turning her head in my direction, she waved as I walked by. “Not bad yourself. Heard the show today.
Sounded like you and that actress had something going,” she called back.
“You think?” I asked, stopping to lean on the fence.
“Yeah, I could tell she was interested. Of course I’ve been known to be wrong before, so don’t rely on
me too much.”
“What would someone like her want with someone like me? I’m not the worst looking guy in the world, but
there’s a reason why I’m on radio instead of TV.”
“Don’t be so sure about that. If I wasn’t married, I’d have a go at you.”
“You could always have a go at me anyway, just don’t tell your husband,” I reminded her.
“Don’t tempt me, or I just might do that,” she returned.
“Well, I think I’m gonna take a nap before I go out tonight. Don’t stay out in the sun too long Marie,
we don’t want you looking like a lobster,” I said as I turned and headed for the front door.
“I won’t, I’ve got ten minutes until I need to go in and get ready for work,” she called after me.
I grabbed the mail out of the box as I opened the front door. Flipping through the mail, I pushed the
button on the answering machine to play the messages. The first two messages were from people trying to sell
me stuff I either wouldn’t want or couldn’t afford so I flipped right past them pretty quickly. The third was
from my mom telling me to call her back, but the fourth made me stop cold in my tracks. It was from my
ex-girlfriend Jennifer, saying she needed to talk to me as soon as possible. My first thought was that I had
knocked her up and she was calling to tell me. But then I realized that it had been six months since we broke
up, so I quickly discounted that.
Breathing a sigh of relief, I picked up the phone to call my mom. “Hi mom,” I said when she answered.
“He’s fine, just thought I’d call since I haven’t talked to you in a few days. I was baby-sitting Isabel
today so of course she wanted a Happy for lunch,” she said laughing. Isabel is my niece and Happy is code for
a Happy Meal at McDonalds.
“I’m surprised she didn’t want to go to Chucky Cheese’s. You would have had fun chasing a two year old
around a pizza place, giving her money for the games. Did she carve her pumpkin this weekend?”
“Yeah, well she started it and her dad finished it for her. You know kids, short attention spans. Start
something and ten minutes later want to do something else.”
“Everything looks fun to a kid, but few things are as fun as they look. So, unless it’s actually as fun
as it looks they lose interest fast. Adults do it too, so you can’t fault her too much. Are they going to be
there Sunday as usual?”
“Last time I checked everyone was coming. I e-mailed you a couple pictures of the pumpkin carving ceremony
that your dad took,” she said.
“I’ll have to download them when I get off the phone then.”
“So, who’s the girl you were talking to on the radio today?” She asked with that “someone’s got a
girlfriend” tone in her voice.
“Her name was Elisha Cuthbert, mom. I was interviewing her so she could promote her show. That’s part of
my job remember?”
“Oh, I was hoping maybe she was your girlfriend and you were ready to settle down and have kids like your
sisters,” she said sounding disappointed.
“We’ve been through this before. When I find the right woman we can talk, but until then it aint happening.”
“I know, it’s just that your sisters both have kids and your almost 25. It’s time for you to start thinking
“I will mom, I promise. But until I find the right woman, there’s really no point in dwelling on it very
much,” I said, trying to hide the exasperation in my voice.
“OK, well be good. I’ll let you go now. Love you,” she said.
“Love you too mom. Buh bye,” I said as I hung up the phone. I thought about calling Jennifer back to see
what she wanted, but the fact that nothing good ever seems to come out of talking to her made me put the phone
down and head off to the computer room.
When the computer was turned on, I pulled up Outlook Express to check my e-mail. As promised, there amongst
all the spam and useless junk mail, was an e-mail from my mom with the subject “Isabel’s pumpkin.” The first
picture was of Isabel with her arms around the pumpkin. She had fire in her eyes and an evil grin on her face.
The other picture the top off the pumpkin and her hand pulling seeds and gunk out of the middle. And of course
she had the “ooh yuck, this feels gross” look on her face, but you could tell she was relishing every second of
it as well. With a chuckle, I set the second picture as wallpaper and turned the computer off. I looked at my
watch and saw that it was almost 3:30 and I still hadn’t had my nap yet. So I went into the bedroom to take an
hour nap or so before I had to get ready to go out again.
My eyes snapped open as my alarm started buzzing. Getting up, I turned it off and headed off to the store
in search of coffee. With coffee in hand, I sipped it as I wandered around doing some shopping. Shopping for
me generally means buying magazines and beer, as is usual for a bachelor. My total shopping bill was $20 for
a case of beer and the new FHM magazine. Heading home I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost 6:00.
Walking in the door, I saw the light on the answering machine blinking and had a premonition that it
would be Jennifer again. Not wanting to deal with her at the moment, I just left it blinking and went to take
a shower. As soon as I stepped into the shower, the phone started ringing again.
“God, doesn’t she ever give up?” I asked myself rhetorically, knowing that in the three years I’d known
her she hadn’t once given up on anything. If she wants something, she keeps going until she gets it. Of course
she has no problem giving up once she has something and has lost interest. I let the phone ring, but when it
keeps ringing every two minutes, I resign myself to the fact that I’m going to have to talk to her.
“Hello.” I said, picking up the phone and dripping water all over the carpet.
“How come you weren’t answering?” She asked.
‘Because I knew it was you and didn’t want to talk to you,’ I wanted to answer. Instead, I said “I was
in the shower, and even now I’m dripping water all over the place.”
“OK, well I’ve been calling you because I need to talk to you. Didn’t you get my messages?”
“I got the first one, but I got sidetracked talking to my mom and then had to run to the store. I just
got back and hopped in the shower,” I said, glossing over the fact that the reason I didn’t call her back was
because I really didn’t want to talk to her.
“Oh, so how is your mom?”
“She’s fine, she e-mailed me some pictures of Isabel carving her pumpkin the other day.”
“Aww, how sweet. So you ran to the store huh? Out of beer?” She asked in a condescending tone.
“That and Alyssa Milano on the new FHM. But then I’m sure you already knew about that,” I said in
“No need to get snippy. It was one time, and I thought you were past that.”
“It was one time with a woman and who knows how many times with a man. And no I’m not past it and I doubt
if I ever will.”
“If I’d known you were still this bitter, I wouldn’t have called.”
Rolling my eyes, I asked “why did you call, by the way?”
“I just wanted to see how you were doing. Is there something wrong with that?”
“Not when normal people do it, but you don’t call me to see how I’m doing. You only call when you want
“I’ve called you lots of times to see how you were doing,” she said with tears in her voice.
“When we were dating you did, but even then you wanted me to do something for you. And THAT was the real
reason behind your call. Besides, if you just wanted to see how Iwas doing, one phone call or an e-mail would
have sufficed. This endless stream of calls further strengthens my conviction that you want something from me.”
“If you keep talking to me like that, I’m going to hang up,” she threatened.
“Go right ahead, but if you do you won’t be able to ask me whatever you really wanted to ask me,” I said,
calling her bluff.
There was a long silence before she answered, “fine, you’re right. There is something else I wanted to
“Well spit it out,” I said losing patience.
“I wanted to tell you that I miss you. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately and I wanted to know if
there was hope for chance for us.”
“You already had your second chance and you wasted it on what’s her name. If you wanted to do her, all
you had to do was suggest a threesome and I would’ve been more than willing to oblige.”
“I know and I’ve already apologized for it.”
“Then there’s the fact that you admit to sleeping with three other guys, and some people I’ve talked to
say it’s more like six or seven. I’d give you another chance, but I could never trust you to not fuck the next
stranger you see. You can say you’ve changed all you want, and for all I know you might have. But I you blew it
and it’s time for you to find someone else’s heart to walk all over now,” I said hanging up the phone before she
The phone rang again, but I let it keep on ringing as I got dressed. If she wanted to make her case, I let
her make it to the machine where I can erase it if I want to.
Finally, about eight I was dressed in black slacks and gray dress shirt and heading out the door. Getting
in the car, I decided that the situation with Jennifer had me pissed off so I put Disturbed The Sickness album
on. There’s no better CD to listen to when a woman’s pissed you off than that one. It’s loud, aggressive, and
all about evil women.
“Looking at my own reflection, when suddenly it changes, violently it changes. You’ve woken up the demon,
in me” I sang along driving down the road.
Getting out of my car at the bar, I see Kenny standing by door with a martini in his hand. He waved when
he saw me and then saluted me with his drink. “How’s it going Kenny?” I asked when I walked up to him.
“Pretty good. Got a drink in one hand and a cigar in the other. The wife is going to kill me when I get
home, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s good right now.”
“She’s gonna kill you huh? Did you tell her you weren’t going to drink tonight?”
“Yeah, but she knows that I can’t be in a bar and not have at least one. I actually told her that I would
try and not drink, but Craig over there bought it. You know me, if it’s free and already poured I’m not going
to say no.”
With a chuckle, I said “yeah, that’s you all right. I wonder what Craig’s to butter you up for. He must be
trying to get the afternoon drive time slot again. I’d say give it to him, but Al’s been here longer and he’s a
better personality. If Al leaves on his own, then give Craig his time slot. Otherwise I think it works best the
way it is.”
“I agree, but I’m not going to tell him that if he keeps buying me drinks,” Kenny said as he finished his
Scanning the parking lot, I saw Elisha getting out of her car wearing a knee length green dress. Seeing
me, she waved with a smile on her face that was so hot it could’ve melted butter. When she got over to us, I
suggested “how about I buy the three of us a drink?”
They both quickly agreed and all three of us went in to find the bar. Kenny ordered another apple martini,
Elisha ordered a Molson Ice, and I got a Corona. After I paid and we got our drinks, Kenny had to go check on
how everything was going. Elisha and I found ourselves a table and sat down to drink our beers.
“You’re really a Devils fan?” She asked me still not quite believing.
“As hard as it may be for you to believe, yes I’m really a Devils fan. I pay for one Kings ticket a year,
and that’s when the Devils are in town. It gives me an excuse to put on my number four Scott Stevens jersey
and go piss off Kings fans,” I said taking a sip of my beer. “Of course it helps that I’m usually on the right
side of the decision.”
“If I wanted to win a Stanley Cup I’d go with the Red Wings, but I can’t change my allegiances. I’m a
Maple Leafs girl for life and one day before I die I will see them hoist the Cup.”
“Like I said this morning, if the Angels can win the World Series then anything is possible. I just don’t
see them beating New Jersey or Philly to do it,” I said, ducking the smack I knew was coming.
“They’ve had good teams the last couple years, just not good enough to get over the hump. But everyone
knows that the road to the Stanley Cup goes through Detroit and Colorado.”
“Yeah, I was happy to see a class act like Ray Borque finally get to win one two years ago with the
“Enough hockey. If the subject doesn’t change soon, we’ll be talking about it all night,” she said. “How’s
“It was fine until this afternoon. I got a call from the dreaded ex. She wouldn’t take the hint that I
didn’t want to talk to her. The whole thing left me in a bit of a mood, but angry music on the way helped. And
of course talking to the most beautiful Canadian woman of all time is helping too.”
“I’m telling you, I’m not the most beautiful Canadian woman. You keep saying it, and I have to keep refuting
that claim. You should’ve given it to Shania, she’s more deserving of it than me.”
“That’s why you were number one. The humility and honesty make you that much better. You’ve got an air of
confidence around you, but it’s tempered by that modesty and it keeps you from coming off as conceited. A couple
years ago, when I was an intern for another station, I was sent to interview Julia Roberts. The guy who was
supposed to interview her was sick, so they sent me instead. She pulled the whole ‘I’m a big star who’s too good
to be interviewed by an lowly intern’ act. Sure she’s a big star, but one of these day I just might be someone
who could help her career and I wouldn’t cross the street to put her out if she were on fire after that.”
“I hope I never develop a diva complex like that. I’d love to say that I never would, but being famous
changes people and it can go to your head. All I can do is do my best to make sure it doesn’t happen,” she said,
exhibiting that modesty again.
“You’re too nice a person to let that happen. I hear you have a movie coming out?”
“I did a movie called ‘Old School’ that’s tentatively scheduled for March. It’s about a couple guys who go
back to college to recapture their lost youth and relive their college glory days. It’s from the writers and
director of Road Trip, and it’s a really funny movie
that was a lot of fun to make.”
“I can’t wait. If you want to promote it, you can always use my show. I’d love to have you back, even if
you don’t have something to pimp,” I said with a grin.
“Everyone wanted Kiefer, but got me instead. You were the one that asked for me first. I just want you to
know that it made me feel wanted that you asked for me instead of being stuck with me,” she said reaching out
and touching my knee.
“To be honest, we wanted both you and Kiefer. But they told us that we could only have one, so we asked
for you,” I said with a shrug. “Maybe you could get Kiefer to drop by and talk to us. I’m sure you have more
pull with him than we would.”
“I could try, but you might get stuck with me as well.”
“Gee, how would I ever be able to stand talking to both of you?” I asked jokingly.
“Find some way to deal with it. You already extended the invitation, and I plan on exercising it until you
get sick of me.”
“Not gonna happen dear,” I said seriously. “I could talk to you every day and still look forward to the next
day, even if you are a Maple Leafs fan.”
“I thought we agreed, no more hockey.”
“You know that you want to convince me that the Maple Leafs are where I should be. Don’t try to deny it.
Besides, you were the one who said no more hockey, not me. It’s not my fault I don’t follow directions.”
“Actually it is,” she said laughing.
“No it’s not, it’s my parents’ fault for not instilling in me early to do as I’m told.”
“Ahh, the blame the parents routine. I should have known you’d take the easy way out. So, you said that you
got a call from the dreaded ex? Is that ex-wife, or ex-girlfriend?” She inquired.
“Girlfriend. She called a couple times earlier, but I didn’t want to talk to her so I didn’t call her back.
Then I hopped in the shower and she started calling every thirty seconds. Finally I just got out of the shower
and faced the inevitable conversation with her.”
“What’d she want? No one calls that much unless they want something,” she observed.
“Thank you for drawing the same conclusion I did. She tried to say she was only calling to see how I was
doing, but I finally got her to tell me the real reason for the call.”
“Which was?” She asked, leaning closer.
“She wanted me to take her back. I had to tell her no, which she didn’t like hearing much.”
“Why’d you break up anyway?”
“There must have been a shortage of men that she hadn’t fucked because she moved on to women as well. I
just got tired of it and kicked her to the curb. The sad thing is that I’d take her back if I thought I could
trust her, but I can’t.”
“She cheated on you that much?”
“Let’s just say that she should have a sign over her bed like the ones they have at McDonalds that says
‘over 1 billion served.'”
“That’s funny, Mine would only say ‘over 5 served,'” she said.
“Oh really? It’s nice to know a ballpark figure on a celeb’s experience between the sheets.”
“I just said over 5, I didn’t say how much over. For all you know, it could be way over 5.”
“I don’t think so. I’m willing to bet it’s between 5 and 10. You don’t strike me as the type who just jumps
into bed with someone. Couple that with the fact you’re still young and you get a pretty low number. Most likely
it’s single digits.”
“I’ve had a couple one night stands in the past.”
“Who hasn’t? But even three or four would still leave five or six that you’ve had some kind of relationship
with. I’m guessing maybe two or three were short relationships and the others were relatively long, at least six
months to a year. The math says 10 tops and math doesn’t lie.”
“You must think you’re pretty good don’t you?” She asked.
“I’m close, aren’t I? If I had to guess an exact number, I’d split the difference and say seven.”
“Why I did I even make the mistake of bringing it up?”
“I don’t know, but you can’t keep me hanging like this. You don’t have to give me an exact number, but if you
don’t then you have to tell me what you like in bed.”
“You’re close, and I like normal stuff. I’m not much into the real kinky stuff like bondage. A little spanking
is great, or some hair pulling, but other than that I’m pretty vanilla. Missionary position with the guy pounding
away gets me off every time,” she said shifting in her seat.
“I can tell you’re turned on. That shift gave you away. You did a good job of hiding it in your voice, but
you shifted in your seat because it’s getting a little moist and itchy down there isn’t it?” I asked, more than a
little turned on myself.
“So what if I am? There something wrong with that?”
“Nothing at all, but what are you going to do about it?”
“Just sit here and let it pass. Either that or take care of myself in the bathroom.”
“You’ll sit there and let it pass. There’s too many people in the bathroom for you to attempt that. But if
you did, I’d want to be first in line to watch it.”
Smirking, she said “I must have had too many beers, because having someone watch me sounds really good.”
“I only had the one beer because I had to drive home, but she obviously never thought that far ahead as
she’d probably had five beers in the two hours we’d been there.”
“Say the word and I’m there to watch, but the bathroom isn’t the best place to do it.”
“How bout your place then?” She asked with a wink.
“Sure, but you’re not driving. You’ve had too many beers for that. Your car can stay here and I’ll drive
you home,” I said as I got up to pay the tab.
“I’ve wanted to kiss you ever since I saw you this morning,” she said once we were outside.
“There’s nothing stopping you,” I pointed out. “I certainly wouldn’t complain or argue over it.”
When we got to my car, I opened the passenger door for her. As she was getting in the car, she gave me a
quick kiss on the lips. Walking around to the driver’s side, I looked through the windshield and noticed her
hand working it’s way up her thigh under her dress.
“You said you wanted to watch, so I thought I’d give you a show,” she said when I was in the car.
“Not while I’m driving. If you keep doing that we won’t make it anywhere. I’ll be too busy watching and
we’ll wind up in the side of a building or something,” I warned.
“Then hurry up and go because I’m not sure how long I can wait.”
Heeding her advice, I used every shortcut I know on the way home. Pulling into the driveway, I looked
over as she lifted her butt off the seat and pulled a pair of green thong panties off that were the same
shade as her dress. She tossed me the panties as she opened the door. Mindlessly, I got out of the car and
pocketed the panties.
“This is a nice house you have here,” she said as we entered the house.
“Thanks, I like it. It doesn’t have the most furniture, but a TV and recliner are all I need. In there’s
the computer I use to look for porn,” I said as we passed the computer room. “Over there’s the bathroom, and
the kitchen is over there,” I said as I pointed to the other side of the house.
“Your house is really clean for being a bachelor pad. Most men either live in a pig sty or they have a
woman to clean it for them,” she pointed out.
“My secret is that I don’t spend much time here. I sleep and watch TV here, the rest of the time I’m at
work or out somewhere. This is the bedroom where a lot more sleep and a lot less loving than I’d like to admit
happens. Don’t open the closet or the whole illusion of clean will be shattered forever.”
“So that’s where you keep the dirt. I knew it had to be somewhere,” she teased. “At least you don’t have
dirty clothes everywhere. Most people say it gives it that ‘lived in’ look, but walking through a pile of dirty
socks and underwear is a bit of a turn off.”
“Speaking of dirty underwear, do you want your panties back?” I asked, holding the pair of her panties out.
“If you don’t want them, then sure. I just thought you might want a memento to go with the memories,” she
said crawling onto the bed. “Sit back and watch. If you’re good, I might let you join in,” she said with a wink.
“Yes ma’am,” I said as I pulled up a chair.
Standing on her knees in the middle of the bed, she gave me a pouty look that reached into my chest and
squeezed my heart. She grabbed the hem of her dress and slowly started to pull it up. When it got up to her
waist, she ran her right hand down over her closely trimmed landing strip and pussy. Sitting down with her back
to the wall, she stretched her legs out in front of her. Spreading her legs, she ran the index finger along the
length of her cunt. Biting her bottom lip, she started to rub her clit. Taking her other hand, she pulled the
straps of her dress down to reveal her perfectly formed B cup breasts. She grabbed a tit and played with the
nipple while she rubbed her clit harder. She closed her eyes and moaned as she was lost in the moment. Watching
this gorgeous blonde, who had rapidly become my obsession, caused me to unzip my pants and stroke my already
aching cock. She must have heard the zipper because she opened her eyes. When she saw me playing with myself as
well, she smiled and put a little more showmanship into it. As she worked a finger into her pussy, she squirmed
her ass around rubbing it into the bed.
Stopping, she asked “want to give me a hand?”
Without even thinking, I dive onto the bed between her legs. Immediately I sank my middle finger into her
juicy cunt, bringing a moan from her throat. Pulling my finger out, I sucked her clit into my mouth. Sucking on
her clit, I slid two fingers back into her pussy. I let go of her clit and licked it instead while working my
fingers in and out of her pussy. She both of her hands busy on her tits as I worked over her slit. Moaning, she
started to buck her hips into my tongue and fingers.
“God that feels good,” she said breathlessly. “Uhh… I’m getting… uhh… close to… uhh… I’m cumming,”
she yelled. As soon as she said it, she clamped her thighs tight around my head and her pussy tightened around
“I really needed that,” she said when her head cleared. “Thank you.”
“I should be the one thanking you. But if you really want to thank me, I can think of a way.”
“Oh really?” She asked in a really sexy tone of voice. “I wonder what that might be.”
“Actually, I can think of a few, but how about we start with a blow job and go from there?” I asked as I
sat down on the edge of the bed.
Scrambling off the bed, she got on her knees between my legs. Unbuttoning my pants, she pulled them and my
boxers down and off. I leaned back on the bed as she took hold of my cock. Stroking my dick with one hand, she
massaged my balls with the other hand. She kissed the head of my cock before licking the crown and down the shaft.
She sucked first one testicle into her mouth, and then the repeated the motion with the other. Licking her way
back up the shaft, she parted her lips and took the knob into her mouth when she reached the top. Swirling her
tongue around the head while it was in her mouth, she started to move her head to get more of my cock into her
mouth. With one hand, I reached down and grabbed the back of her head. Holding onto her head, I started thrusting
my hips and fucked her mouth. I started getting more and more of my cock into her mouth until I felt it bump
against the back of her throat on each in stroke. Finally when I felt the cum starting to rise up from my nuts,
I let go of her head and let her take over. Sucking on just the head, she jerked the shaft off. When my dick
started to pulse, she pulled off of it and my cum shot out and hit her on the cheek. Rubbing my cock, she used
it to massage the cum into her skin.
“Ready for more?” She asked when she saw that my cock wasn’t softening.
“You really have to ask?” I replied as she started to straddle me.
“Just making sure,” she said as she aimed my cock at her waiting cunt. “Don’t want you to get mad at me for
going too fast.”
At that, she sank herself down on my shaft. She moaned when she reached the end and was sitting directly on
my lap. Leaning down, she kissed me as she raised herself up and brought herself down on my cock.
“Damn, that’s a big cock,” she said as it bumped against her cervix.
“It’s really not that big, you must just be really tight,” I commented as I grabbed her ass with one hand.
With the other hand, I grabbed a tit and brought it to my mouth so I could suck on the nipple.
“Whatever it is, it sure… uhh… feels good,” she said as she worked herself up and down on my pole.
Stopping her, I rolled her over onto her back with my dick still in her cunt. Getting up my knees, I grabbed
her legs and held them open as I started to thrust into her. As I started to really hammer into her, she bit her
lower lip and grabbed a boob with each hand. While she was playing with her tits, I brought her legs together which
made her tight pussy even tighter. It also forced her clit into constant contact with my cock. which drew a loud
moan from her. Looking at her, I could see that her eyes were closed, her skin was getting flushed, and her moans
were getting louder. All of which meant that she was getting closer to cumming. Wanting to slow it down, I pulled
out of her completely and let go of her right leg.
Feeling my withdrawal, her eyes snapped open and looked at me questioningly. “Not yet my dear. You were
getting too close to cumming, so I thought I’d slow it down a little,” I said as I straddled the leg that I had
just let go of. With her other leg on my shoulder, I shoved my cock back into her love tunnel at a different
angle. Putting my hands on the bed, I put my weight on my arms and leaned over her. This forced the leg on my
shoulder to be pushed back until the knee was almost in contact with her shoulder. With short, quick, rabbit
strokes, I pounded into her mercilessly. Slowly, I could see her start to ascend towards her orgasm once again.
But just before she reached the peak, I once again pulled out of her.
Seeing the frustration on her pretty face, I told her “your orgasm will be better this way. Instead of a
couple little ones, you’ll have one monster one. Besides, I want to do as much to you as I can before you decide
you’ve had enough of me.”
“I just really want to cum,” she said with a pleading look on her face.
“You will, I just want you to have a big one,” I said as I rolled her over onto her hands and knees. With one
hand on the small of her back, I used the other one to aim my cock. Entering her doggy style, I moved my hands to
her hips. Since she had been close to the brink twice, she built up to her orgasm quickly this time.
Sensing that she was close, I shortened my strokes and really gave it to her. “Ohhhhh god,” she said as it hit
her. She lowered her head and bit the pillow in an effort to muffle her moans. Even muffled, I was glad my neighbors
were at work for fear they might hear them and think I was killing a cat. When her cunt clamped down on my cock, it
pushed meover the edge as well. Pulling my cock out, I shot my load all over her ass cheeks.
She collapsed onto her stomach, and I laid down beside her on the bed. “Was it the monster cum I promised you?”
I asked her.
“I never felt anything like that. It zapped all my strength right out of me. I don’t think I’ll be able to move
for a while.”
“I had been hoping for another round, but I don’t think my cock would obey right now anyway.”
With a sly grin, she said “there’s always tomorrow.”