Adventures In Radio #20 – So Long And Thanks For All The Pussy

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Not to be read by anyone under 18, unless you’re a hot chick.

In which case my address is:

6669 NE 42nd St.

Priest Lake, ID (how many other people are going to name check a town named after a lake where a priest drowned, huh?)

The following is completely fictional. Any resemblance to reality is entirely coincidental. Contents of this story are merely creative license, not unlike a TV show or movie that uses real people in fictional settings and situations. However, if you do have
video or pictures of events similar to the ones described below, feel free to forward them to me for closer examination. Feedback, comments, praise, criticism, death threats, nude photos, etc. can be sent to voodoojoe2000 at yahoo dot com (come on, you can assemble that into an actual e-mail address).

For personal use only. Feel free to distribute to friends, enemies, lovers, hopeful lovers, whatever, just keep my name and e-mail address on the story or I shall hunt you down and make you write the whole damn thing out by hand.

The celeb of choice for this piece of fiction is Elisha Cuthbert. Codes are (MF, cons, oral, anal). Go fuck yourself and go read something else if you dislike those codes or want something more. Or better yet, write it yourself.

The chapter was supposed to be called The Punishment Due, but as I got closer to the end the title stopped fitting quite as nicely as it did toward the beginning. Thus, Douglas Adams stepped into the void and allowed me, by virtue of being dead, to rip off the name of one of his books. It ruins the nice synergy I had going with the title of the last chapter (anyone that doesn’t get Holy Wars… The Punishment Due really needs to brush up on their Megadeth), but that’s the price you pay for actually caring about what you put out there.

“He hangs his head and wonders why

Why the monkey only lies

But pay the pauper, he did choose

He hung his head inside the noose” – Megadeth ‘Use The Man’

Adventures In Radio #20 – So Long And Thanks For All The Pussy

By voodoojoe


“Are you ready to be amazed?” Matt asked me as I sat down next to him at the bar.

“Sure,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. I motioned for the bartender to bring me a beer.

“What do you think?” Matt asked, placing a small box in front of me. I opened it up to reveal what looked suspiciously like an engagement ring, and a rather expensive one at that.

“I think I need sunglasses to look at this thing,” I said, pretending to shield my eyes from the glare coming off the diamond.

“Think Sarah will like it?” Matt nervously asked me.

“You do know you could’ve gone cheap and she would’ve love it, don’t you?” I told him. “She’ll adore it, but she would’ve loved anything you gave her.”

“Yeah, but this was my grandmother’s,” Matt said.

“Make sure to tell her that because the sentimentality of proposing to her with a family heirloom will keep her panties off for a week,” I said, closing the box and passing it back to him.

“I have enough trouble keeping up with her as it is,” Matt said, slipping the ring back into his pocket.

“Lucky you,” I said.

“Come on, this is where you make some crack about filling in for me,” Matt said, elbowing me.

“I wouldn’t hit on our fiancé,” I told him.

“You do it every day,” Matt pointed out.

“Not any more,” I said.

“Have you talked to her?” Matt asked and even though he didn’t mention a name I knew exactly whom he was talking about.

“No, and I’m about ready to give up trying,” I replied. Every time I’d tried calling Elisha over the last two months I’d either gotten her voice mail or she’d hung up the moment she heard my voice.

“It’s almost New Year’s,” Matt said. “A new year means new beginnings, so maybe you need to find someone else to obsess over.”

“Maybe, but I think I’m going to need more beer if my back up girl is about to be proposed to,” I said, breaking into a rare grin.

“There’s the Richie we all know and can’t seem to loathe,” Matt said, patting me on the back. “Too bad he doesn’t come out to play much any more.”

“So, when are you going to do it?” I asked him.

“I was thinking tomorrow night at my New Year’s Eve party,” Matt answered. “You coming?”

“I’ll probably stop by for a little bit,” I replied. “You two should take Monday off and celebrate.”

“You sure?” Matt asked me, surprised by my generosity.

“We’re just doing a ‘best of’ show. I can handle that by myself,” I told him. “No need to have three people in there playing tapes of old shows.”

“Thanks man,” Matt said.

“If she says no, you’re working though,” I told him before breaking into a grin.

“You really think she’ll say no?” Matt asked me.

“Nah, you picked one that actually likes you,” I said.

“I have some things to take care of,” Matt said. “You going to be alright?”

“Yeah,” I replied. “If I haven’t offed myself by now, then I’m not likely to do it tonight.”

“I hate it when your sense of humor gets dark,” Matt said knowing that the darker my humor got the worse my mood tended to be. “Give Elisha another call. Maybe she’s calmed down enough to listen.”

“Maybe,” I said.

As Matt paid for his beer I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket. I stared at it and nervously turned it over and over in my hand. When he finally left I hit the speed dial and lifted the phone to my ear.

“What a surprise this is,” Anna Paquin said when she picked up.

“I have a favor to ask of you,” I told her.

“Just as long as it doesn’t involve me killing someone. At times I wish I had a license to kill like James Bond, but I don’t,” Anna joked.

“No, no killing,” I told her. “I just need you to make a call for me.”

“I’m not calling her,” Anna said, knowing instantly what I was asking for. “If she doesn’t realize what she’s missing then I’m not going to open her eyes for her.”

“Please?” I begged. “You’re the only one who can vouch for me that I’d actually ask.”

“Sorry Richie, but I can’t do it,” Anna said. “I can barely handle the thought of you moving on and I’m certainly not going to help you do it. Would you call up a guy I was interested in and tell him how he should be dating me?”

“God no,” I hissed.

“Then you understand why I can’t bring myself to do it?” Anna asked me as a loud thumping sounded in the background.

“Yeah,” I grudgingly replied.

“By the way, where are you? You’re not at home because I’ve been pounding on your door hard enough to hear it over the phone but I’m not hearing it,” Anna said.

“What are you doing at my door?” I asked her.

“I thought you could use a friend,” Anna said. “Well, I had a couple things to take care of out here, but mostly the friend thing.”

“I’ll be there in a bit, you know where the key is,” I told her.

“Yeah, I already found it,” Anna replied. “You don’t mind if I vacuum, do you?”

“Don’t you dare,” I responded. “You sit your ass on that couch and watch Tarantino movies while drinking all my beer like everyone else.”

“But Richie,” Anna whined.

“Don’t give me that ‘but Richie’ crap, young lady,” I said. “If I find one bit of housework done and there isn’t at least one empty beer bottle on the coffee table when I get there, you’re in serious trouble.”

“There are already a couple empties on the table,” Anna pointed out.

“Okay, then there better be at least one more,” I said.

“Geez, should I get naked and scratch myself while I’m at it?” Anna mused.

“If you think it’ll help,” I told her before disconnecting. I closed my phone up and flipped it around in my hand. I contemplated giving Elisha another call but decided to tuck the phone back in my pocket and paid my tab instead.

+ * + * +

“Didn’t think the naked part would help?” I asked Anna as I walked in the house to find her fully clothed on my couch.

“Might have helped you a little, but it wasn’t going to make me appreciate Dazed & Confused any more than I already do,” Anna responded, taking a sip of the beer in her hand.

“How long you in town?” I asked her.

“A couple days, but I knew you’d be mad if I didn’t come see you before doing anything else,” Anna answered. “On that note, I need to go check into the hotel.”

I almost offered to let her stay with me, but decided that probably wasn’t the best idea at the moment. We’d been in the same room for mere seconds and already I could feel that familiar spark between us. If she stayed I knew she’d wind up pressed against the glass door leading into the backyard with me pressed against her and that wasn’t something I could afford to let happen.

“Hope you got a nice hotel,” I told her as I walked her to the door.

“It is, I’ve been there before,” Anna said.

“That’s good,” I said, giving her a hug. “I’m still on your itinerary before you leave?”

“Of course. You’re right between the male strippers and the Swedish massage with Hans,” Anna responded.

“Now let me do a little altering to that list in my head,” I told her. “There, now I’m between the female strippers and the Swedish massage with Helga.”

“You wish,” Anna said, grinning at me.

“There aren’t many men out there that wouldn’t,” I replied.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” Anna said. “And if you don’t answer I’ll have to go Pulp Fiction on you.”

“Which part? The one where Butch runs Marsellus over with his car, the part where Butch blows Vincent away, or the part with Zed and the gimp that I can never watch without cringing?” I asked.

“All of the above,” Anna said.

“Okay, but afterwards you have to be Ving Rhames for a while,” I said before realizing what I’d said. “Wait, that came out completely wrong.”

“I got what you meant and yet again, you wish,” Anna said.

“Before you go, Matt’s having a New Year’s party tomorrow if you want to go,” I told her.

“Won’t your girlfriend mind if you go out with another woman?” Anna asked.

“She won’t take my calls, so I don’t think she’d care one way or the other,” I responded, my improved mood suddenly crashing again.

“I’d love to go, but you have to do something for me first,” Anna said.

“Does it involve chocolate sauce and KY Jelly? Because the last time I fell for that it wasn’t quite what I expected,” I joked.

“What’s with all the anal jokes tonight? And you didn’t even work in a ‘very uncomfortable place’ joke either,” Anna said, fixing me with a look of disappointment.

“Sorry, I’m trying to expand my repertoire a little,” I responded.

“That’s okay, but you need a funny movie to get you out of your little mood,” Anna said. “Will Ferrell always works for me.”

“I know, but I can’t watch Old School right now for obvious reasons,” I told her.

“Three words then: ‘red Swingline stapler.’ Would that work for you?” Anna asked.

“It might,” I answered. “Though I might bypass Office Space to watch Jessica Alba get herself groped by a demonic hand.”

“I don’t care what you do, just make sure you’re in a good mood by tomorrow,” Anna told me as she opened the door.

“I will,” I promised her.

“Later alligator,” she said.

“In a while crocodile,” I said, closing the door.

Once the door was closed I got a mental flash of a poster one of my high school teachers had put up in their classroom. It was of a big boulder right next to a cliff with three arrows. One had the word “rock” next to it and pointed at the boulder. Another had “hard place” next to it and pointed at the cliff. The third one was “you” and pointed right smack in the middle of them.

Suddenly I felt like I was stuck between two women I cared about. It was just that one didn’t want anything to do with me while the other lived on the wrong coast. If that didn’t qualify as being stuck between a rock and a hard place, I didn’t know what did.

Deciding on a course of action, I pulled out my phone. After hesitating a moment I dialed and wasn’t surprised to get Elisha’s machine. After all, it was Friday night and she was still avoiding my calls but I was confident that it was still early enough for her to be home before going out for the night.

“You know it’s me, so I’ll make it quick,” I said after the beep. “I’ve got a deal to make with you. Give me a few minutes of your time to plead my case. That’s all I ask, just a few minutes. If you still want nothing to do with me, I’ll leave you alone for good.”

“I’m listening,” Elisha gruffly said as she picked up the phone.

“At least let me do it in person. I don’t want to do it over the phone,” I told her.

“Fine, where?” Elisha grudgingly acquiesced.

“Franz Ferdinand is playing at Electric Ladyland if you want to go,” I suggested.

“Whatever,” Elisha grumbled before hanging up on me.

+ * + * +

Electric Ladyland was basically a giant ballroom with a stage in one corner and a bar in the opposite corner. About a quarter of the room around the bar was blocked off by a low wall to give people room to drink their beer and watch the show while still keeping minors out. I was leaning against the wall next to the door with one eye on the stage across the room and one eye on the people coming in and out.

The band launched into Fade Together just as Elisha walked in. The black dress she was wearing hung perfectly from her frame and accentuated her body in all the right way. Her hair had been pulled back into a loose ponytail and I took a couple seconds to just look at her before she spotted me.

“Let’s get this over with,” Elisha said over the music.

“Outside,” I said, nodding my head in the direction of the door she’d just walked through.

We walked back out the door into a hallway leading from the front door to the entrance of the ballroom. Three doors, two for the bathrooms and one that was likely an office, lined the other wall.

“Couldn’t find a noisier place?” Elisha asked.

“Come on, you like Franz Ferdinand,” I told her.

“Times change,” Elisha muttered.

“Clock’s ticking,” Elisha said, tapping the gold watch on her wrist.

“Well,” I said, steeling my nerves. “First off, everything I said is Vegas was true even if the timing could’ve been better.”

“Bit of an understatement there,” Elisha said without a hint of humor.

“The timing was terrible, but I had to do it right then. It was then or never,” I continued. “Because right then that I realized I wanted more than just empty sex. I never thought I’d say that, but it’s the truth. I realized that I wanted something more and that I wanted it with you.”

“And when exactly did you come to this great conclusion? Was it before or after you got done fucking Rose?” Elisha demanded.

“I already said the timing sucked, what more do you want? I’m baring my soul here,” I told her.

“You done?” Elisha asked me.

“I guess I am,” I said. I may have gotten her to come to hear me out, but her tone made it clear that she wasn’t going to listen no matter what I said. I could’ve told her Brad Pitt and George Clooney were going to use her as a sex toy if she forgave me and she would’ve not so politely told me to fuck off.

“I paid to get in, I might as well watch the show,” Elisha said, turning her back on me and walking back into the ballroom.

As I watched her go inside I felt the urge to curl up in a corner and die. I probably would’ve too if the nearest corner had been a little more secluded. As it was, there was too many people around so I decided to just go home and have my pity party for one there.

+ * + * +

“Get happy, mister,” Anna said, slapping me on the arm as we approached Matt’s front door. “I mean it too.”

I was still in a rather lukewarm mood but having Anna beside me was improving it. The two of us clicked for some reason and I could never be in a truly bad mood with her around. I’ve tried in the past but instinctively she seemed to know how to get me to smile, even when I didn’t want to.

The purple dress Anna had on showcased her curves with dynamite results. When we walked in the party was already in full swing but Matt handed me a beer. He gave me a sly wink before moving off to attend to the other revelers in attendance.

“Much better,” Anna said, noting the grin that was beginning to creep across my face.

“I’m just happy to see the beer,” I joked, opening the beer Matt had given me.

“And here I thought it was my cleavage,” Anna snorted.

“That’s helping too,” I said, lifting the beer to my lips. “In fact, I’m sure the more you show the better I’ll feel.”

“Drink your beer,” Anna said, grabbing the bottom of the can as I took a sip. She pushed it upward and beer filled my mouth too quickly to drink. She grinned at me as beer spilled out the sides of my mouth and onto my shirt.

“That’s one,” I told her. “You know what happens when I get to three.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Anna said, rolling her eyes. “You always say that and never follow through.”

“At least pretend to be scared when I bluff like that,” I said.

“Oh sorry,” Anna said. Her smile turned into a pout. “Please not that, Richie. I’ll be good, I promise.”

“Was that so hard?” I asked her. “Now go get me a beer, woman.”

“Get it yourself,” Anna said, laughing at my attempt to be macho.

“Man, you spill my beer and I have to go get another. How fair is that?” I muttered just loud enough for her to hear as I headed in search of a new beer.

“That’s what you get for calling me woman,” Anna called after me.

“Would you have gotten me one if I’d called you baby?” I asked her over my shoulder.

“Maybe, maybe not. But we’ll never know, now will we?” Anna countered.

As the night progressed I found myself in a good mood for once. The combination of Anna and beer was making me forget about Elisha. It was nice to be able to feel something other than misery and despair, for a few hours at least.

About eleven Matt and Sarah disappeared. When they returned a half-hour later Sarah had a ring on her finger and her hair looked disheveled. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that Matt had pulled her into a secluded area to propose. Then they obviously celebrated with a rousing round of sex, which also would’ve explained the goofy grin plastered across Matt’s face.

I gave Matt a congratulatory pat on the back while Anna fawned all over the ring. As big a disaster as my personal life was at the moment, I was still happy to see my friends on cloud nine. If it had been anyone else though, I probably would’ve wanted to hide in a dark closet.

“You don’t have to kiss me at midnight, you know,” Anna said as the seconds counted down toward the new year.

“Like I’m going to let you off that easy,” I informed her as I put my hands on her waist. “I know you want to go make out with Matt and all, but I don’t think Sarah would approve.”

“Caught me,” Anna said, rolling her eyes as she pretended to push me away. “You take Sarah and I’ll take Matt, that way she can’t complain.”

“Deal,” I said, letting go of her. I started to turn my head but she put her hand on m cheek and turned it back towards her. Grinning at her, I leaned down and planted a soft kiss on her lips just as the clock struck midnight.

“I should get back to my hotel,” Anna said, breaking the kiss just as it threatened to extend beyond what could be considered merely friendly. “Give me the keys so I can drive you home and pick up my car.”

“I can still drive,” I told her, holding up my car keys. “I’d probably drive us into a brick wall or something, but isn’t life supposed to be full of adventure?”

“You need to get laid, hun,” Anna said, snatching the keys from me. “That’s the only thing I’ve ever found that helps you when your humor starts getting dark like that.”

“Mr. Happy has gotten me into enough trouble lately, but thanks for offering,” I said, turning her around and pushing her toward the door before she could form a comeback.

+ * + * +

I spent most of Sunday lounging around being lazy. In other words, it was like pretty much any other day in my life. I was I was planning out Monday’s show in my head since I had committed myself to doing it all by myself, but that was only a minor distraction from my routine of watching movies full of blood and nudity.

About seven o’clock the movie I’d been watching ended. Rather than start another one I decided to go looking for something to eat instead. That plan never got off the ground though because just as I was about to leave there was a knock on the door.

“Hope you haven’t eaten yet,” Anna said, holding up a plastic bag as I opened the door.

“Perfect timing,” I told her. “What’d you get?”

“You have to guess,” Anna responded.

“Okay, lets see,” I said, noting the plastic bag before closing my eyes. I put the fingers of my right hand against my forehead as if willing the correct answer into my brain. “Salad for you and chimichanga for me?”

“One of these days I’m gonna get you carne asada just to see you get it wrong,” Anna said, handing me the bag.

“That’d be fine with me, but you won’t change it,” I confidently told her. I pulled the food out of the bag and handed her salad to her.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Anna sighed.

“Since you got dinner, I’ll let you choose the next movie,” I said. “Kung Fu Shuffle or Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon?”

“Kung Fu Shuffle. I’ll get the movie, you get a blanket,” Anna replied. “And forks too because these plastic ones they gave me are worthless.”

I went to the closet to grab an extra blanket while she popped the movie into the DVD player. With the blanket in hand I ventured into the kitchen and grabbed a couple forks before heading back into the tv room. We settled onto the couch and spread the blanket over our legs to eat our dinner in front of the movie.

When we finished eating Anna pulled her feet up onto the couch and tucked them underneath her. She leaned her head on my shoulder and I put my arm around her as she snuggled up next to me.

“I missed this,” I told her.

“Me too,” Anna said, tilting her head to look at me.

As I looked at her, I felt all those old feelings coming to the surface. Without bothering to think of the consequences I leaned down and softly kissed her. When she kissed me back, any restraint I might’ve still had was lost.

By the time I fully realized what was happening I had one hand on her chest and one on the small of her back. I pushed her onto her back and let the hand on her back slip down her waist. My middle finger slipped underneath the denim of her jeans and the tip rested at the top of the crack of her ass.

“Make love to me,” Anna said, breaking the kiss. Her eyes were alight with hunger and desire.

“I can’t,” I said, suddenly coming to my senses. I pulled back from her and sat back against the arm of the couch on the other end.

“Please,” Anna said, sitting up and trying to pull me back towards her.

“It hurt like hell to leave you the last time. I can’t go through that again,” I explained.

“You think it was easy for me?” Anna demanded.

“No, I know it wasn’t easy, for either of us,” I responded. “But if we go any further it’s going to be like that all over again and I couldn’t take it.”

“Then come back to New York with me,” Anna said.

“I’d love to, but I can’t,” I told her.

“You can’t leave her, can you?” Anna asked me.

“It’s not her, it’s my contract,” I said. “I’m stuck here until September.”

“If you’re still available in September, you know where to find me,” Anna said, sliding off the couch.

“You’ll be my first stop, Kiwi,” I told her as she headed for the door.

“And your last because I won’t let you go again,” Anna said, opening the door.

“I reserve the right to have sex with as many women as I want until then though,” I said.

“What about me?” Anna asked.

“You can have sex with as many women as you want, I don’t mind,” I joked, putting my arms around her and kissing her on the forehead.

“I bet you’d want video of it too, you pervert,” Anna said, leaning her head on my chest.

“I’d settle for pictures, but video would be even better,” I said.

“I have an early flight tomorrow,” Anna said after a few moments. She pulled away from me and walked through the open door.

I shut the door behind her and leaned my head against it. I knew I did the right thing, but that knowledge didn’t make it any easier. I still wanted to throw the door open and go after her, even if it meant adding even more woman troubles the ones I already had.

+ * + * +

Before the show on Monday I puttered around on Matt’s side of the glass. Since I’d given him the day off I had the task of setting everything up. I made sure the tapes I wanted to use were loaded and jotted down on a piece of paper what button I needed to push to access them.

When that was done I grabbed my coffee cup and went for a refill. When I opened the door though, I got a bit of a shock. Leaning against the wall just outside the door was Elisha. She was wearing a pair of faded blue jeans and a cream-colored turtleneck sweater.

“I thought you were going to leave me alone,” Elisha said as I walked past her.

“If you haven’t noticed, I work here. It’s kind of hard for me to leave you alone if you’re just going to show up out the blue like this,” I informed her.

“I’m talking about last night,” Elisha said.

“I haven’t done anything since you made it clear you want nothing to do with me on Friday,” I coldly said as I filled my mug.

“So you didn’t send your messenger over?” Elisha asked.

“What messenger? Did Matt try to meddle or something?” I demanded, blowing by her again on my way to the studio.

“Not unless Matt grew tits and shrunk a few inches since the last time I saw him,” Elisha replied. “And before you ask, it wasn’t Sarah either.”

“She didn’t, did she?” I winced. Sure I’d asked her to, but that was before I found out just how little Elisha wanted of me.

“You didn’t send her?” Elisha asked, following me into the studio.

“I asked Anna if she’d put in a good word for me on Friday before you shut me down, but when she said no I figured that was the end of it. Anything she did last night was on her own,” I replied.

“Why do you even care so much?” Elisha asked. “You don’t even know me, do you?”

“Don’t know you? I’ve known you for three years. I think I know you pretty darn good,” I told her as I sat down in my chair.

“Then tell me something about myself,” Elisha challenged.

“I know that you snore ever so lightly when you sleep,” I told her, putting my headphones on and pushing them back off one ear.

“I don’t snore,” Elisha said, her mouth tightening.

“Ah, but you do,” I said. “Fine, I’ll give you another. You claim to hate butt rock, yet you sing Def Leppard in the shower.”

“I don’t sing Def Leppard in the shower,” Elisha said.

“So it was some other blonde singing Rock of Ages in my shower a couple months ago?” I asked her.

“Exactly,” Elisha agreed.

“So you go into the bathroom, the water starts running, and I hear someone that sounds an awful lot like you doing the funky German opening before launching into the song itself. Then about ten minutes later you come out with your hair wrapped in a towel, and it wasn’t you singing?” I asked her.

“Of course not,” Elisha said.

“Okay, I’ve got the perfect one,” I told her as I checked my watch. “I’ll have to tell you a minute though. Sit down and stay a while.”

As Elisha sat down I punched the button to play Metallica’s Welcome Home (Sanitarium), the show’s unofficial theme song. I pulled my headphones on the rest of the way and turned on the microphone.

“Welcome to the first show of the new year. My cohorts are off doing whatever it is cohorts do, my money is on nursing hangovers, so I’m all alone today. I’m stuck doing a best-of show since I can’t ramble on for three hours and make sure everything is on time. I tried doing it way back when I could cover time by playing songs and was only moderately successful. That’s why I got a producer to all the real work without getting any of the glory,” I announced to the listening audience. “The upside is that if there’s something from the archives you want to hear again you call in and request it. If it’s easy enough to find I might honor the request in the final hour. Anyway, first up is an interview we did with Scarlett Johansson around the first of the year, last year.”

“So what’s this big thing you know about me?” Elisha asked me once I’d turned off the mic.

“I know what you TiVo on Monday and Friday nights,” I told her as I once more pushed my headphones back off one ear.

“You’re bluffing,” she said, her eyes narrowing as she tried to figure out whether I actually knew it or if I just talking out my ass.

“You want to call that bluff? Because I can easily turn this mic back on announce to the world that you like watching-,” I said before I was cut off.

“Don’t even think about it,” Elisha said.

“What, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of people watch-,” I said when Elisha put her hand over my mouth and stopped me.

“I’m warning you,” Elisha said. “Don’t say it.”

“Fine, I won’t say that you like watching-,” I said before she cut me off again, this time by forcefully kissing me. When she broke the kiss I looked at her and grinned. “What exactly did that mean?”

“It means you need to keep your mouth shut,” Elisha responded, sitting back in her chair.

“No, I mean-.”

“I know what you mean,” Elisha sighed. “And the answer is that I don’t know. I don’t know about much of anything right now. One minute I want to hit you and the next I next I want to kiss you.”

“If I get a vote, I vote for more kissing and less punching,” I said.

“See, that’s what I’m talking about right there,” Elisha said, pointing her finger at me. “I want to hate you, but you’re so fucking cute that I can’t.”

“Yeah, I tend to have that effect on women. Actually, I have that effect on pretty much everyone,” I told her. “But where does that leave us?”

“I don’t know, I like being around you but you drive me fucking nuts,” Elisha said, leaning her head back and staring at the ceiling. “Maybe friends is the best way.”

“I can’t be just friends with you. It didn’t work the last time and it won’t work if we try it again. It’s all or nothing right now,” I replied. “By the way, you’re up way too early. Normally you only wake up this early if you have to work.”

“I haven’t slept,” Elisha said. “After Anna’s visit I couldn’t sleep. Don’t read anything into this but I kept thinking about you until I knew I’d have to come down here.”

“At least you’re giving me more than a minute and actually listening to me this time,” I said. “About Las Vegas, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I know, but you did anyway,” Elisha said.

“It made complete sense at the time,” I told her.

“Which part, you fucking Rose or you fucking me right after fucking Rose?” Elisha asked.

“Wow, a three fuck sentence. Those are rare,” I joked. “I can walk you through it if you want. I should warn you that it’s pretty scary being inside my head. Especially when I turn on the White Zombie laden soundtrack.”

“Sure, not like I should go home and sleep or anything,” Elisha grunted.

“Okay, for a few months I’d been getting the feeling that I needed more in life than just sex. I guess you could say it started when I made Rachel cry, but it took a real leap forward when you played your little prank and made me think I was married to Rose,” I explained.

“So you fucked Rose because you thought you were married to her? I guess I can understand that, but that doesn’t explain why you got out of bed with her and into bed with me right after,” Elisha pointed out.

“I’m getting to that,” I said, trying to stay patient with her. “I didn’t set out to seduce you or anything, it just happened. You were lying there and I just couldn’t help myself.”

“You’re not making it better here,” Elisha said.

“Let me finish, will ya?” I asked her. I lowered my head and stared at the ground sheepishly before continuing. “Anyway, it was in that moment that I realized I wanted to be more than just friends with you. I would’ve waited but I knew that if I didn’t act on it right then and there then I’d just find some way to talk myself out of it before a more appropriate moment arrived. Unfortunately everything blew up in my face and I lost everything. Well, except for my bitchin’ musical taste that is.”

“Look at me,” Elisha demanded, making me lift my head to look her in the eye. She scooted her chair close to mine and put her hands on my knees.

“What are you doing?” I asked her.

“Trying to see if you’re lying,” Elisha replied. “When you lie your right eyebrow trembles a little bit.”

“Are you talking about me, or does that apply to everyone in general?” I asked her.

“You’re not the only one here that knows more than they let on,” Elisha said, slapping my knee before pushing her chair back.

“Hold on a moment,” I said, hearing that the Scarlett interview only had a few seconds left. I turned my chair toward the console and turned on my mic. “That was the modern day equivalent of Marilyn Monroe, better known as Scarlett Johansson. I’m going to play a live performance The White Stripes did for us a few months back, uh wow.”

My back straightened and my eyes bulged slightly when I felt something press against my crotch. Looking down I saw Elisha on her knees under the console grinning up at me. One of her hands pulled down my zipper while the other signaled for me to keep talking.

“You know, you really have to see Meg White bang those drums in person to truly appreciate her. Anyway, after the, uh, performance is some commercials so don’t go anywhere,” I said, turning off the mic. “What are you doing?”

“I seem to remember owing you one, and I’ve always wanted to do it in here,” Elisha admitted, pulling my cock out of my jeans.

I should have stopped her, but truth be told, it’d been a long-standing fantasy of my own to have sex in the studio as well. And since I figured Matt and Sarah had already done the nasty in here on more than one occasion I wasn’t going to let them be the only ones.

Making up my mind, I pushed my chair out a little to give her a little extra room to work with. As Elisha started to stroke my cock I slid forward in the chair. I figured if I was going to something that might get me fired, I might as well make myself as comfortable as possible.

I thought about putting my feet up on the console and getting really comfortable but decided it would accomplish little more than make me look like an ass. Since I look like an ass enough as it is, I reached behind me and stretched out to pull the blinds.

I’d had the blinds installed so that if a tour came through I could do the show without feeling like Shamu in my glass fishbowl with people staring at me. At the moment though, I was using them so that in case someone happened to walk by they wouldn’t see me getting the Clinton treatment.

After drawing the blinds, I was just getting settled in when Elisha leaned her head in and gave my dick a lick from root to head. When she reached the tip she swirled her tongue around the crown before dragging the tip of her tongue back down the shaft.

“Don’t forget my balls,” I groaned as her tongue grazed my scrotum.

Tilting her head back so she could look up at me, she sucked one of my testicles into her mouth. After swirling her tongue around it a couple times she pulled her head, letting it pop out of her mouth. She repeated the process with the other one before moving back to the shaft.

Leaning her head to the side Elisha opened her mouth and wrapped her lips around the side of my cock. She pressed the tip of her tongue against the part that was in her mouth and massaged my shaft as she began to drag her mouth up my rod.

Reaching the top, she grabbed the base of my cock with her hand and opened her mouth so she could move her head to a more normal position. Her tongue unexpectedly slipped out and flicked the tip of my cock. Before the move could even register though, she wrapped her lips around the head.

“I’m going to have to stop you in a minute,” I told Elisha as she started working more of my cock into her mouth.

Since the show is syndicated, I don’t have the commercials playing in my headphones to tell me when to go back on the air. Instead there’s a song playing so the individual stations could play their own commercials and not come back to dead air when they rejoin the show. Normally Matt keeps in line, but without him I was trying to actually pay attention to the clock and it wouldn’t do to miss my cue because I’d gotten too into the oral ministrations.

In response Elisha began to move her hand on the shaft, jerking me off. At the same time she began bobbing her head up and down on what she already had in her mouth. My first thought was that maybe she was just trying to get me off before I had to actually stop her, but she wasn’t moving fast enough for that. It was clearly a sign of defiance, but I wasn’t about to complain about it.

As Elisha started pushing more of my cock into her mouth, my eyes fluttered shut to savor the warm, moist feel of her oral cavity. After a moment I opened my eyes back up and forced myself to focus on the task at hand.

It was a tough job trying to ignore the way Elisha’s tongue pressed against the underside of my cock and hugged it as she pushed her mouth down on it or the way it shifted so the tip massaged my cock as she pulled off. Every part of my body screamed at me to enjoy the moment but I managed to keep my brain alert enough to keep watching the clock.

When the clock showed less than thirty seconds until I had to go back on the air I tapped her on the shoulder to signal her to stop. She didn’t even acknowledge me though; she just kept right on going. In fact, she seemed to speed up a little.

A groan of frustration mixed with pleasure came out of my throat as I reached for the button to turn on my microphone. I thought about forcibly stopping her, but that lasted about a split second before Elisha brought her free hand up to massage my balls. Once that happened the part of my brain that controls rational thought shut down and any thought of stopping her went out the window.

“Welcome back to the show,” I said once my mic was turned back on. I was trying my hardest to keep my voice level, and hoped that I could make it through to the next tape before Elisha did something to make me lose it. “Coming up we’ve got interviews with some of my favorite guests as well as little bits we’ve done over the last, wow, uh, year.”

The last part was a little higher pitched and had been caused by Elisha increasing the amount of suction she was applying to my cock. She increased it to the point where it felt like she was trying to not only suck the come out of my balls, but trying to suck my balls through my dick as well. It was far from an unpleasant experience, but I was already close enough to blowing my load that something like that wasn’t exactly helping me hold off.

“Sorry about that, just happened to download pictures of Kelly Clarkson in a bikini and lost my place a bit,” I said, trying to cover for my slip. As Elisha kept going, I decided I had to make it quick to keep from busting a nut and screaming for Elisha to swallow my jizz while still on the air. Talking fast I introduced the next clip with as much speed as I could muster. “Anyway, here’s a little montage of some of Matt’s better paranoid ramblings. The one about the ex-CIA operatives training soldier monkeys in Malibu is my favorite.”

Just as I hit the button to turn the microphone back off I felt my orgasm coming fast. I would’ve warned Elisha that I was about to come, but I decided not to. If she was going to torture me like that, then I might as well do a little something to get her back.

Grabbing the back of her head, I leaned back in my chair and helped her slide her mouth onto my cock. When she felt my cock start to pulse inside her mouth she tried to pull back but my hands kept her in place. I was forcing her my way into her throat or anything; I just kept her from pulling away before I wanted her to.

Grunting my approval I finally let go of Elisha’s head just as the first spurt erupted from the end of my cock into her mouth. She seemed about ready to pull off but then decided against it. Probably didn’t want to risk my love nectar splashing onto her sweater and ruining it or something like that.

“What exactly did that mean?” I asked her when my cock finally settled down and pulled back.

“You got a blowjob and you’re asking what it means?” Elisha asked, looking at me like I’d grown a third eye as she slipped out from under the console.

“I meant, what does it mean for us?” I clarified.

“I know what you meant, and shut up,” Elisha said, lifting up the bottom her sweater. Rather than take it off though, she stopped when it got to just above her belly button. Pinning it against her stomach with her arm she set about unbuttoning her pants.

When Elisha had her pants unbuttoned she slipped her thumbs inside the waistband of both her jeans and panties and began to shimmy out of them. I watched as her hips swung hypnotically, absorbing every new inch of flesh as it was revealed to my eyeballs.

“Pants,” Elisha said, nodding her head in my direction as she kicked off her shoes.

Snapping out of my little trance I quickly stood up. Since Elisha had already unbuttoned my jeans all I had to do was push them down. By the time they were around my knees though she put a hand on my chest and pushed me back into the chair.

Stepping on the cuff of one the legs of her jeans she stepped out it. Instead of repeating the process with the other leg she left her jeans and panties dangling from one ankle as she moved to straddle my lap in the chair.

“Here’s how it’s going to be,” Elisha said as she put an arm around my neck. Grabbing a handful of hair she used it pull my head back and look me in the eye. “If you touch another woman, we’re done for good. Do it and I won’t even want to know you exist, got it?”

“Understandable, but what if I run into an old friend that happens to be female? Am I allowed to hug her, or should I, oww,” I said before Elisha gave my hair a tug to cut me off.

“You know what I mean,” Elisha said, slipping her free hand between our bodies to grab my mostly deflated cock. She smirked at my confusion between the pain of her pulling my hair and the pleasure of her stroking my cock back to life. “Second, if you tell anyone about what I sing in the shower, I’ll stab you with a fork.”

“Got it, won’t tell about Def Leppard,” I said.

“Good, now for the most important condition,” Elisha said, scooting even closer to me until her body was pressed hard against mine. Leaning her head in so she could whisper into my ear, she began to move her hips slightly, just enough to slide her pussy along the shaft of my revived dick. “If you somehow manage to get to interview Bret Hart, I get to meet him.”

“Of course, but I wouldn’t hold your breath,” I told her.

“Good, now that we understand each other,” Elisha said, letting go of my hair.

Using the arm that was already on my shoulder she put her weight on it and began to lift herself up. When she’d lifted herself far enough she used the hand that was still between us to line my cock up with her entrance. She ran the tip along her slit a couple times to tease both of us before sinking down onto my pole.

“Mmm,” Elisha purred when had me buried to the hilt inside her.

Putting both of her hands on my shoulders she began to lift up. Since her feet weren’t touching the floor she flexed her thighs and pressed them against the sides of the chair’s seat to help steady her. It also helped tighten her pussy around me.

Grunting my approval I put my hands on her hips and helped pull her back down onto my cock, drawing a surprised yelp of pleasure from Elisha. As she began to pull herself up again I moved my hands to her ass so I could help lift her up.

“Fuck me,” Elisha hissed into my ear as she wrapped her arms around my neck. Without being able to plant her feet or knees against anything she wasn’t able to get a steady rhythm going so she was turning it over to me.

Planting my feet firmly against the ground I tried to carry out that request. The only thing I succeeded in though was sliding the chair backward and taking my feet out from underneath me. I thought about pushing the chair back against the wall but figured the cord from my headphones would get in the way.

“We’re not getting anywhere like this,” I told her as I slid one hand underneath her sweater and pressed it against the small of her back. Holding her against me I kept myself firmly imbedded inside her while I stood up.

“That’s cold,” Elisha gasped when I set her bare ass down on the console.

“Then we’ll have to warm it up,” I told her, putting my hands on her hips and giving a small thrust into her snatch.

“Harder,” Elisha demanded, hooking her legs around my waist. She pressed her heels against my ass and humped her hips against me.

With the change of position I was now able to get some actual power behind my thrusts. Every time I pulled out Elisha dug her heels into my ass and drew me back into her with a sense of urgency that was driving us both crazy.

“Come on baby, faster,” Elisha demanded as she put her hands on the console and leaned back a little.

Letting go of her hips I slid my hands up her sides, pushing her sweater up as they went. When her sweater reached the tops of her breasts I stopped and let my hands close around them through her bra.

“Make me cum,” Elisha grunted as she hunched her hips to meet one of my thrusts.

Pulling the cups of her bra down I wedged her tits into the crooks of my hands. Picking up my pace I rubbed her nipples in a circular motion with the pads of my thumbs.

Each plunge I made into her pussy was accompanied by a moan. The pace was beginning to wear on me and even after the blowjob she’d given me, I could already feel my orgasm closing in. I tried to slow down but Elisha responded by using her legs to pull me into her even harder.

“I’m gonna come soon,” I hissed at her.

“Not yet,” Elisha pleaded. “I’m so close baby, just a little more.”

Gritting my teeth, I moved one of my hands away from chest. Dropping it down to her lap, I began to rub her clit with my thumb. The first contact I made with it elicited a gasp from Elisha and she bucked her hips at me.

“Hurry,” I warned her as I heard the end of the tape I was playing coming to an end through my headphones. If we didn’t finish in a matter of moments, I’d have a big problem on my hands.

“Almost there,” Elisha said, biting her lip in concentration.

Finally, with one final thrust she screeched her pleasure and closed her eyes. She wrapped her arms around my neck and her body shuddered against me. I started to pull out so I could shoot my load on her stomach but she stiffened her legs and kept me from pulling out of her. She clenched me to her body even tighter and buried her face against neck.

“Fuck,” I grunted, slamming back into her.

Her orgasm was beginning to wind down when my orgasm hit. She tilted her head back and stared at me as I deposited my sperm as deeply into her pussy as I could. Each spurt produced a fresh tremble of pleasure in Elisha’s body.

“Give me a second,” I told her as I tried to catch my breath.

“Okay, but only a second,” Elisha said, leaning her head on my shoulder.

When I regained my faculties I noticed there was dead air on my headphones so I reached around Elisha and hit a button on the computer to play a random song. For some reason I really wasn’t surprised when Sarah McLachlan’s Angel started playing. The fates always seemed to be doing that, giving me a song that expressed my feelings a little well at any particular moment.

With the show covered for a few more minutes, I finally noticed the signs that Elisha was asleep. She was slumped against me with her head on my shoulder and I could hear that soft snoring that was a dead giveaway that she was sleeping.

Not wanting to disturb her I gently pulled away from her. Propping her up with one hand I used my other to pull my pants back up. When my junk was halfway put away I bent down and slipped her jeans back onto the leg she’d taken them off of. Reaching her knees with her pants I reached around her waist and smoothly lifted her up. Holding her against me with my right arm I used my left hand to finish pulling her pants up over her ass.

I sat her down in her chair and leaned her back while I buttoned her jeans and pulled her sweater back down. With that done, I pulled her forward and put her hands on the console with her head resting on it. I figured it would be a little more comfortable for her than having her head leaning back while she slept.

+ * + * +

As the third hour inched by I played some bits the audience had requested. After Elisha fell asleep I had moved into Matt’s booth so as not to wake her up with my banal banter. It also allowed me to watch her sleep, her blonde hair splayed out, while I worked.

Toward the end of the second hour I’d opened the phone lines for requests. Then when I figured I had enough I managed to flag down an intern who’d been unlucky enough to have to work and had him track down the requested material so I could play it without having to trudge all the way to the archives and get them myself. Then while I was waiting for the tapes I’d made a side trip to my desk to fetch the envelope that I’d stashed there a month or so ago.

At the moment I was replaying the Natalie Portman interview from May. I already knew how the interview turned out and that I had a bit before I needed to cut it off so I had my headphones off with my feet kicked up.

Seeing Elisha start to stir I took my feet down and sat up in my chair. She raised her head and looked around as if unsure where she was. When she turned her head in my direction she had a look of confusion on her face but when saw me recognition dawned on her face.

Getting up from her chair she put her hands on her lower back and leaned backward. After taking a moment to stretch after spending an hour or so in what was likely a rather uncomfortable position Elisha headed for the door of the studio. Coming into the production booth she circled around behind me and pulled out the other chair.

“You moved on me,” Elisha said, plopping down in Sarah’s chair.

“I figured I’d let you sleep,” I told her. “You didn’t even wake up while dressed you so you obviously needed it.”

“I’m so sorry for falling asleep like that,” Elisha apologized. “That orgasm really wiped me out. I set my head on your shoulder and I was out.”

“Hey, I’m just glad you waited until we were done. If you’d fallen asleep in the middle my feelings really would’ve been hurt,” I joked.

“Nah, there’s too much fun for me to fall asleep in the middle and miss it,” Elisha said. She looked recharged, but it was still obvious she needed a little more snooze time.

“Anyway, what made you come down here?” I asked her. “I know you said you got a visit from Anna but you never really answered the question.”

“She showed up at my door last night and called me idiot,” Elisha said. “Said there was a great guy that was hung up on me and I was just letting him get away. After she left I couldn’t sleep and finally decided the only way I was going to resolve anything was to talk to you.”

“And then my devilishly good looks and witty repertoire won you over, huh?” I joked.

“Yeah, something like that,” Elisha said, rolling her eyes at me.

“I’d like to do the whole ‘you’ve just landed an extremely imperfect man, where are you going next?’ thing, but Disney’s done that one to death,” I said, drawing a laugh. “So instead I’ll be slightly less creative and ask you if the juice was worth the squeeze.”

“You didn’t just go there, did you?” Elisha asked, making a sound that couldn’t quite decide whether it wanted to be a groan or an actual titter of laughter. “I tell you what, it sure didn’t suck, but I need to see some gifts before it truly becomes worth the squeeze.”

“On that note,” I said, picking up the envelope I’d retrieved from my desk.

“Ask and I shall receive, eh?” Elisha asked as she opened the envelope and withdrew two hockey tickets. “Wow, you really know the way to a Canadian girl’s heart, don’t you?”

“I wanted to get you Montreal tickets for Christmas but the stupid NHL didn’t schedule them to come to town this year. So you got Calgary in April instead, hope you don’t mind too much,” I told her.

“I was born in Calgary so I have a soft spot for the Flames,” Elisha said as she looked over the tickets. “Wait, where are these seats?”

“In one of the luxury suites,” I replied. “I pulled a couple strings and will be watching a dog for the month of March while the owner is in Barbados, but all in the line of duty.”

“You got these for me and I wasn’t even speaking to you? You’re either far more optimistic than I ever gave you credit for or you were a little too confident I’d come around,” Elisha said, narrowing her eyes as she tried to figure out which one it was.

“Mostly the first, but I did have a backup plan in case you didn’t,” I told her.

“And what was that?” Elisha asked.

“Well, it involved a monkey, a diaper, and a wet t-shirt contest,” I responded. “I’m just glad I didn’t have to follow through with it because I really wasn’t looking forward to seeing monkeys being doused with cold water.”

“Shut up and kiss me,” Elisha said, grabbing the back of my head and pulling me to her.

Deciding to take it one step further I hooked my hands under her arms and smoothly lifted her off her chair and into my lap. She squealed in surprise at the move, but she didn’t exactly pull away, or even break the kiss, so I didn’t bother to put her back in her chair.

“Is it worth the squeeze yet?” I asked her as I pulled my head away.

“It’s getting there,” Elisha said, grinning as I draped one hand across her lap and onto her hip while the other softly stroked up and down her spine through her sweater.

“Better work harder then,” I said, leaning in to kiss her chin.

“I guess you should,” Elisha said, tilting her head back.

Pushing the neck of her sweater out of the way with my face I kissed my way down her throat to her collarbone. While I was doing that my hand slid down her back before slipping underneath her sweater. My fingers traced small circles across her skin, slowly working their way up her side.

“Keep doing that and I’m going to want a repeat performance,” Elisha moaned into my ear, nuzzling my head with her cheek.

“We wouldn’t want that, now would we?” I sarcastically remarked, taking a moment to glance at the computer screen to see that I still had a few minutes left until I had to cut off the tape that was playing.

Turning my attention back to Elisha I flattened my fingers against her skin and slipped my fingers under the strap of her bra. Moving my fingers along her rib cage they grazed the underside of her breast, drawing a sigh of contentment from Elisha.

“Any more of this and I might have to let you do that thing you’ve always wanted me to do,” Elisha told me, wiggling in my lap.

“I better stop then, huh?” I asked, zeroing in on a spot behind her ear that has never failed to get her going.

“Oh God, what are you doing to me?” Elisha gasped as my teeth grazed the special spot on her neck.

“What, you don’t like it?” I asked her, nibbling on her earlobe.

“God, fuck me,” Elisha said, her voice tinged with delirium.

“Not quite yet,” I said, pulling away so I could cut off the Natalie interview and start the music to signal the commercial break. “Give me a few minutes and we can play.”

“Fuck me now,” Elisha demanded, putting her hands on my cheeks and forcefully kissing me.

“Or we can do it now,” I said when she broke the kiss. “But it would work much better if we could wait about four minutes when I have to start a new segment.”

“You won’t make it that long,” Elisha confidently said, smirking at me.

“Is that a challenge, my dear?”

“I’m hungry, so loser buys breakfast?” Elisha responded, grabbing the bottom of her sweater and pulling it off.

Slipping out of my lap she bent forward slightly, sticking her chest out as she reached back and unhooked her bra. Grabbing the straps she slid it down her arms before tossing it next to the computer.

“Shit,” I groaned, knowing that I wasn’t going to make it. The only thing I wanted to do at the moment was cover those puppies with my hands and lose myself for a few days but somehow I managed to at least make her work for it.

Leaning against the table behind her Elisha unbuttoned her jeans and slid the zipper down. She slipped her hand inside her pants rather than pulling them down though. Her pants were open enough that I could see her hand moving under her panties.

Checking the clock I saw that I only had about a minute left. Figuring that by the time anything got started I could start the tape, I decided to give up. Grabbing a belt loop on her jeans I pulled her to me and kissed her stomach just above her belly button.

“I win,” Elisha said, looking down at me with a smirk on her face.

“Like there was a chance you were ever going to lose,” I remarked.

Reaching behind her I slipped my hands under the waist of her jeans and let my fingertips dig into the flesh of her upper ass. Sliding my hands down her ass, I pushed her jeans and panties down as I went. When her pants were down past her ass I pulled my hands away and spun her around.

As I stood up from my chair she leaned forward and put one hand on the table as I worked on getting my own jeans undone. Pushing them down to the middle of my thighs I quickly pushed my boxers down as well.

“You got the front door taken care of,” I observed as her fingers manipulated her sex. “Mind if I do the back?”

“Huh?” Elisha asked, looking back at me.

In response to her confusion, I kneeled behind her. Pulling her butt cheeks apart I leaned my head in and let my tongue softly flick across the surface of her asshole. Holding her ass apart with one hand I slipped a finger of the other to her pussy and collected some of the juices that were gather there and transferred them back to her anus.

“You don’t mind, do you?” I asked her, lightly pressing my finger against her asshole.

“Uh,” Elisha grunted, her fingers stopping as the tip my finger parted her asshole.

As I pushed more of finger into her butt, I pulled my free hand off her ass and reaching over to start the next tape. Bringing my hand back I moved it around front and rubbed her clit for her.

“Fuck,” Elisha moaned. She pressed the heel of her hand against my fingers, pushing them harder against her clit, and pushed two of her own fingers into her pussy.

Taking that as a sign to continue I began to slide just the tip of my finger in and out of her ass, pushing a little more in with each stroke. While I did that my other hand was busy frigging her clit in an attempt to keep her hot enough to let me play with her ass some more.

“Fuck me,” Elisha breathlessly demanded, craning her neck to look back at me.

“Can’t I stay back here and worship your ass a bit longer?” I asked her, disengaging my finger from her rectum.

“Fuck my ass,” Elisha said, shocking me.

I’d been trying to get her to say those words for three years but she’d always resisted. She said she’d tried it once but the guy hadn’t exactly been gentle about it and had ruined it for the rest of us. That hadn’t stopped me from making overtures in the past, but my stupid morals had forced me to respect her wishes. Fortunately for me, she finally seemed willing to let me have a crack at her holiest of holes.

Taking hold of my dick with one hand, I stood up. My other hand was still trapped between her hand and her body so I moved it forward, taking hers with it.

“Why-?” Elisha started to ask before I answered it by thrusting my cock into her pussy in one motion.

“Trust me,” I said. I gave her a couple extra pumps to get her even more into it before withdrawing.

“I do,” Elisha said even though her nervousness was written all over her face.

Pulling her cheeks apart with one hand I used the other one to line my cock up with her asshole. A small gasp escaped her mouth when the head made contact but she didn’t try to pull away.

“You sure about this?” I asked her.

“No, but go ahead,” Elisha said, being completely honest.

“Reach back and put a hand on my stomach,” I told her. “If you want me to stop just push your hand against me.”

“Okay,” Elisha said, visibly steeling her nerves for it.

When her fingers were touching me I began to push slowly. I could feel her trying to relax but I wasn’t getting anywhere. Letting go of her ass cheeks I reached around her and found her clit. Almost instantly she seemed to forget about what was happening and her anus started to give in to the pressure.

“Shit,” Elisha gasped; lowering her head as the tip of my cock lurched into her asshole. Her arm stiffened and pushed against me to let me know to stop.

“That’s it babe, relax,” I said as soothingly as I could. To help her I continued to frig her clit with one hand while I ran the fingers of the other along her spine.

“It hurts,” Elisha said quietly, but not trying to pull forward or push me away.

“It usually does at first,” I told her. “I think I know better than you. How many chicks have you fucked in the ass?”

“What?” Elisha squawked, trying to figure out what exactly that had anything to do with.

“It got you to stop thinking about the pain, didn’t it?” I asked, pushing a little further into her anal cavity.

Grunting she turned her head away and let me continue. Deciding to let her take a more active role in her ass fucking, I stopped and grabbed the arm that was against my chest. I dragged her hand down her body and positioned it between her legs.

“Diddle yourself, it’ll help,” I told her as I put my hands on her hips.

When her fingers started working her clit over once more, I began pushing. She gasped occasionally as I urge more of my cock inside her but by the time I was fully seated in her ass she’d begun to warm up to the invasion.

“Want to stop?” I asked her. Her asshole gripped me so deliciously that it would’ve taken every ounce of willpower in me to stop, but I wasn’t about to force her to continue with it if she didn’t want to.

“No, keep going,” Elisha said, pushing her butt against me for emphasis.

Gripping her hips I began to withdraw. Slowly I began to fuck her ass with about half my cock since I didn’t want to do too much too fast. If it had been her pussy I wouldn’t have felt any compunction over slamming her for all she was worth, but I wanted her to get acclimated to having her asshole spread open before I really tore into it.

“I like that,” Elisha cooed as she dipped a finger into her pussy and rubbed my cock through the membrane separating her holes.

“Then keep doing it,” I told her, figuring it would help her enjoy the process more.

“Fuck my ass,” Elisha said, leaning all the way forward and pressing her chest against the table she was leaning against. With both hands now free she began to massage her clit with one while slipping two fingers on the other into her waiting hole.

Seeing that she was really getting into it I decided she was ready for me to step it up a bit. I was already stroking into her with almost my entire cock so I began to speed up. As I began to really fuck her ass I was thankful that she’d already taken two loads from me or I never would’ve lasted.

“You like fucking my ass, don’t you?” Elisha asked, lifting her head and turning it to look at out of the corner of her eye.

“And you like having it fucked,” I grunted, approaching maximum speed.

“Fuck me,” Elisha moaned, lowering her head and pressing her cheek against the table she leaned over.

As I felt my orgasm approaching I watched as her upper body slid slightly across the table. I wasn’t sure if my thrusts were causing it or if she was doing it to create friction on her nipples so I slowed down a little just in case it was something she didn’t like.

“No, harder,” Elisha moaned, pushing back against me in an effort to get me to speed back up.

Figuring that at the very least it was something she was indifferent towards, I picked up the pace like she wanted. Reaching forward I slid my hands between her body and the table. Sliding them up her stomach I cupped her breasts in my hand.

“Gonna make me come,” Elisha said, gasping as my fingers pinched her nipples.

“That’s the goal,” I said, using my hands to lift her body off the table. As her body straightened out I pulled her back to lean against my chest.

“Fuck me,” Elisha gasped.

“Come for me,” I told her.

“So close,” Elisha moaned, closing her eyes and losing herself in the pleasure.

Sensing my own climax right around the corner I gritted my teeth and tried to hold out until got her cookies. It wasn’t to be though. Losing the good fight I thrust into her one last time and let lose. My eyes rolled back in my head as I felt my jizz erupt into her ass.

“Oh God,” Elisha moaned, finally hitting her peak as she felt my come basting her innards.

As her asshole milked the remaining seed from my balls I nibbled on her earlobe. When she finally settled down I let my softening cock slip from ass and wrapped one arm across her stomach. With the other one I reached behind me and searched for my chair. Finding it I sat down in it and pulled down on my lap.

“Show’s just about over, what do you want for breakfast?” I asked her as she leaned back against me in the chair.

“I don’t care,” Elisha said dreamily, sounding like she was on the verge of sleep again.

“How do blueberry pancakes sound?” I asked, using a finger to trace circles around her belly button.

“Wonderful,” Elisha said as she got up from my lap. I watched her bend over to pick up her clothes for a moment before deciding I should probably get dressed as well.

+ * + * + *

After we got dressed I finished up the show and we headed off in search of some breakfast. In the elevator on the way down to the lobby some cheesy muzak version of a dance song was playing over the speakers.

“Come on, do the Macarena,” I said, pressing myself against her back and grabbing her arms. Holding them out in front of her I began to move her hands along with the dance.

“Keep it up and you’re buying me dinner too,” Elisha said, trying to stifle a giggle at my silliness.

“If you’re going to make me buy you a meal every time I make an ass out of myself, you might as well start making reservations at every restaurant in town because you’ll be booked through March by the end of breakfast,” I told her.

“I’ll get right on that,” Elisha said, breaking away from my grip. “But first you owe me pancakes and you’re driving since I don’t feel like falling asleep at the wheel.”

“Sure thing, but that means we’re taking my car,” I said as I fished my keys from my pocket. “Nothing quite like having a hot babe sitting next to you while you drive a classic muscle car.”

* * * * *

Author’s Note: That’s it for the series. Last time I said that was it “for now” but this is it for good. The series was never meant to be about monogamy, that’s why I took a break while Richie was in New York with Anna, and I’m not about to start letting it be about it now. Will Richie and Elisha last forever? Probably not, but even if they break up Richie’s progressed past the point of sleeping with anything with tits and I’m not going to go through chapter after chapter of Richie and Elisha having wild and crazy fun.

The only way I could do new chapters is to back and fill in some holes. I could go back and let Richie have his way with Rachel McAdams while she’s promoting Red Eye, for example, but no one wants that. I mean, who would want to see the head Mean Girl laying on top of Richie while taking it in the ass and screaming for more? Or there’s always the Anna Faris chapter I originally planned to be chapter 3 when The Hot Chick was coming out, but a hot chick getting nailed in a limo has been done enough times already.

As you can see, there’s just no possible way I could do any more chapters. Thus, I let Richie settle into retirement with a Canadian cutie to satisfy his every sexual whim, for a second time. You know, maybe I should have gone against the grain and let him have an American for once. I’m sure Kelly Clarkson would like to have someone there to help her remove her panties after a performance.

* * * * *

Author’s Note, part 2: The last two paragraphs of the first author’s note was a joke. The series is over and it’s not coming back. If you have a problem with that, feel free to take a shot at me with a sniper rifle if you see me walking down the street. You should know that I’m paranoid to have several decoys, so if I ask you to walk around with a sticker that says “Hello, my name is…VoodooJoe” on your shirt, you should probably say no.

Also, the Kelly Clarkson comment about needing someone to remove her panties after a performance was a joke that any Kelly fan should have gotten. The joke is that she reportedly likes to go commando, so the job of panty remover wouldn’t involve a whole lot of work. It might however require a lot of fun.

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