Adventures In Radio #4 – Valentine’s Day

Not to be read by anyone under 18, unless your a hot chick.

In which case my address is:

6669 NE 89th St.

Seattle, WA (not really, but you can still drop by and see who lives there if you want)

The following is completely fictional. Any resemblance to reality is entirely coincidental.

Contents of this story are merely creative license, not unlike a TV show or movie that uses

real people in fictional settings and situations. However, if you do have video or pictures

of events similar to the ones described below feel free to forward them to the e-mail

address below.

Feedback, comments, praise,
criticism, death threats, nude photos, etc. can be sent to

Adventures In Radio #4 – Valentine’s Day

“Welcome back to the Richie Tozier show on KPLA, and that was the Dixie Chicks doing a cover

of the old Fleetwood Mac song Landslide. Now I’m joined by the lovely Elisha Cuthbert, who

each and every one of you out there should be well aware of. I talk about her enough that

there’s no excuse for you if you have no idea who she is. She of course plays Kim Bauer on

the hit Fox show ’24,’ and is also in the new movie Old School with Luke Wilson, Vince Vaughn,

and Will Ferrell. You’ve had a busy year, haven’t you?” I asked Elisha.

“Yeah, I’ve had to do the press tour for ’24’ and now for Old School. Although, to be truthful,

I’m not in it much so you’re the only one who wanted me in to promote it,” Elisha answered.

“’24’ has become a big hit, you did FHM and Maxim, got bit by a cougar, did Kilborn, and now a

big movie that me and Matt over there are hoping becomes a huge hit,” I said.

“It’s true,” Matt chipped in. “We’re both pulling for the movie to make bundles of cash.”

“I don’t know how much it’ll make, but I think it’s funny enough to have a chance,” Elisha said.

“Want to add a couple million to the opening weekend?” I asked her. When she gave me a blank

stare, I continued “if I mention that you have a scene where you’re in a little tiny shirt and

panties, it’s guaranteed to tack at least two million extra dollars on to the opening weekend

gross. Before I said that, I would’ve guessed $15 million it’s first weekend. Now, I’d be more

likely to say closer to $20 million. The mere mention of panties has Matt’s ears perked up and

he’s looking around like a dog that smells bacon.”

Laughing, she said “I don’t think it’d add that much. Like you said, I did Maxim and FHM so it’s

not like they haven’t seen it.”

“You underestimate the power of the panties. It doesn’t matter how many times we’ve seen it, we

want to see it again. Besides, this will be out first chance to see them on the big screen in all

their glory,” I said with a grin.

“Come on, there’s no way it’s that big a deal. I’ve got no ass, so why would millions of guys go

just to see it?” She asked, blushing.

“Stand up and turn around,” I told her. When she did, I asked Matt “that’s a great ass, isn’t it?”

“It certainly is. I’d ask if she minded finishing the interview like that, but I’m sure it’d get

me in trouble,” Matt responded.

“I’d duck when you get home because your girlfriend will be throwing something at your head the

moment you walk through the door. Lucky for me, the only one I have to worry about pissing off is

Elisha. You have to worry about pissing off the Tara Ried look-a-like as well as Elisha,” I told


“Why are you guys worried about pissing me off? You don’t worry about that with anyone else,” she

said, pointedly.

“We actually care if you come back. We don’t care one way or the other if Jennifer Lopez comes on

again. Her and Julia Roberts are too big for this show anyway. They don’t want to come here, and

we don’t care if they do or not. It’d be good for ratings, but I can think of many other asses that

I’d rather kiss,” I answered truthfully. “We want people that we enjoy talking to, enjoy watching

on screen, or enjoy listening to their music. We’ve had you a couple times, Jessica Alba has been

on several times and has a standing invitation to come back whenever she wants to. Your buddy

Kiefer was on a month or so ago, and I even showed you the love by asking him what it’s like to

work with you. In your FHM interview you joked that everyone asks you what it’s like to work with

him and that they should be asking him what it’s like to work with you.”

“I know, that’s all I’ve heard from him the last few weeks. He’s been telling me how these two

DJs kept asking him what it’s like to work with me, and then proceeded to profess their love for

me,” she said, giggling and hiding her mouth with her hand.

“I don’t think we actually professed our love for you, but we certainly implied it in case you

didn’t already know,” I said with a shrug. “We have to go to Vanessa Carlton’s new song Pretty

Baby right now, then we’ll be back with today’s Top 5 List and more Elisha Cuthbert after the

break. We’re going to see if she’s willing to show her panties since it’s not a big deal, and

you sure don’t want to miss it,” I said as the song started.

When the mics were off, she said “I’m not showing you two my underwear, at least not on the air.”

“If it’s not that big a deal, then why not?” We promise not to film it with a secret camera and

sell bootleg tapes on the internet,” I joked.

“It’s one thing to do it when you’ve had time to psyche yourself up for it, and it’s something

completely different to do it on a moment’s notice,” she countered.

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” I offered.

“Matt too?” She asked. “If both of you show me, then I guess I could show mine too.”

“I’m in,” Matt said from behind the glass. “I can’t do it just now because I have to run the

commercials, but when we’re back on I’ll be able to do it. You’ll have to stand up and look

through the glass because I won’t have time to come in there and show you.”

“We have an oral agreement which is a binding contract in the state of California. Now you can’t

back out, and you have to pull those shorts down at least your knees and show us what god gave

you,” I said, giving her a wink.

“Hey, you never said anything about having to pull my shorts down to my knees. I was under the

impression that I’d just have to show the waistband or something,” she said with a look of

innocence on her face.

“OK, let’s put it this way: we’ll show you as much as you show us. If you just pull the waistband

out, then that’s how much we’ll show you,” I said, giving her the option of how much to show.

“Maybe I won’t show anything now,” she said with a smug look on her face.

“Then be prepared for a bunch of phone calls pleading with you to do it,” I said, just before the

final commercial ended. When we were back on the air, I said “welcome back to the show, coming up

we’ve got music from Tatu, Pink, and Eminem. Right now, we’re joined by the lovely Elisha Cuthbert

from the TV show ’24’ and the new movie Old School. When we left, we were trying to get her to

show us her panties. It’s looking like she’s not willing to do it, so I guess we’ll just have to go

to the Top 5 List instead.”

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t do it, I just said that you guys would have to do it as well,” she pointed


“No one out there wants to know what we’re wearing,” I countered.

“Sure they do, if only because that’s the only way they’ll find out what I’m wearing,” she said.

“She’s right dude,” Matt said. “The phones are lighting up telling us to take it off for her. About

half are women wanting to know the answer to the age old question ‘boxers or briefs.’ The other

half are men willing to suffer through knowing what we’ve got on to find out about her.”

“See? I told you people wanted to know what your underwear looks like,” she said, rubbing it in.

“OK, Matt goes first so you can’t say we forced you to do it,” I shrugged.

“He’s standing up now,” Elisha said, doing the play by play. “There goes the belt, and down come the

pants. Oh my god, he’s wearing smiley face boxers. That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Yeah yeah, we all love Matt’s smiley face boxers, Now it’s time for you to go,” I said. When she

stood up, I started the play by play for the listening audience. “She’s unbuttoning her shorts. There

goes the zipper, and now she’s sliding them down. Holy sh-oot,” I said, catching myself before I fully

cussed on the air. “Are you seeing this Matt?”

“Huh? I couldn’t hear you. I was too busy staring at Elisha,” Matt said, still not taking his eyes off

of her.

“For you listeners, she’s wearing a pair of black silk panties with flowers on the front. She’s not

turning around to show us the back, but I’d be willing to bet the house that it’s a thong,” I

enlightened the audience.

Pulling her shorts back up, she said “yes, it’s a thong. I’m just glad I didn’t go commando today

like I almost did.”

“Dammit, that would’ve been the only way that could’ve been hotter,” I said. “While Matt and I

recover, why don’t you read today’s Top 5 List?”

“Sure,” she said, picking up the list off the table. “Today’s Top 5List is the Top 5 Shows Currently

on TV in the opinion of Richie. Honorable Mention goes to The Simpsons.”

“That’s more for longevity than what it’s doing now. It’s still one of the funniest shows on, but

it’s a far cry from the early days. Don’t forget to watch the 300th episode this weekend,” I reminded


“Number 5 is Scrubs. That’s a good show, I like it. It’s funny, but it’s also got great characters and

it’s not trying to do 50 jokes a minute,” Elisha announced.

“Dr. Cox is my hero. Then you’ve got Sarah Chalke, who I had a crush on back in the day when she was

the second Becky on Roseanne. Any show that puts her in just a bra and panties as much as Scrubs does

is guaranteed to get me to watch. Of course it helps that it’s a quality show, but you can’t discount

the ‘Sarah Chalke in her underwear’ factor,” I said.

“You’re a horny pervert, you know that?” She said, good naturedly. “Anyway, number 4 is Malcolm in

the Middle.”

“Malcolm has replaced The Simpsons for the title of funniest show on TV. The family is dysfunctional,

but they’re completely zen with it. They’ve made their peace with the fact and moved on. Lois and Hal

would be considered eccentric, but they don’t have the millions that seems to be required for that

description. Reese, Malcolm, and Dewey run the gamut from dumb

and mischievous, to a genius who’s too smart for his own good, to a youngster who could go either way.

Then you have the oldest son Francis, who blazed the trail that all three of them are following. I

always liked the show, but the last year or two I’ve really found myself laughing my ass off week after

week,” I said.

“Frankie Muniz is a cutie, no doubt about that,” Elisha said with a sparkle in her eye.

“You’re too old for him. At least wait for him grow hair somewhere other than the top of his head,” I

told her.

“I’m not going to seduce him. He’s just cute,” she explained. Changing the subject, she said “number 3

is Gilmore Girls.”

“Lauren Graham is the hottest TV mom ever. She is the living epitome of the term ‘living doll.’ She

looks like she just came off the assembly line of a china doll factory. Then you add ‘china doll jr.’

in Alexis Bledel, and you get the hottest mother/daughter combo to ever grace any screen anywhere.

That and the fact that the dialogue crackles as it’s being delivered should be more than enough for

anyone to be willing to devote an hour of their lives each week to the adventures of Lorelai and Rory,”

I said. “Not to mention that there’s a pot shot at all those snobs who like to pass their names onto

their kids woven into the fabric of the show. The story goes that when Lorelai gave birth to Rory, she

figured that guys can name their sons after themselves so why can’t she?”

“So in effect, she’s turning up her nose at all the people with a number or junior after their name.

Now I get it,” she said, realization dawning on her. Back to the list, she said “Number 2 is The


“Any show that can have Micheal Chiklis beat a drug dealer with a law book, and then shove his face

down onto a red hot burner on the stove is great in my book. It recently won the Golden Globe for best

drama series, as well as beating Kiefer for best actor in a drama. It’s a premise that’s been done a

bunch before, but they do it so well that you forget all about everything else.”

“I think I know where this list is going,” she said, with a smile.

“Everyone who listens to this show knows where the list is going, dear. They should have known what was

going to be number 1 the moment the topic was announced,” I told her.

“The number 1 show on TV according to Richie is… 24. Surprise, surprise,” she said.

“Like I said, everyone knew what was going to be number 1 the moment the topic was revealed. I thought

about adding shows like Everwood, The Dead Zone, or Smallville, but they were either too new or just

missed the cut. As for 24, it’s got the best leading man on TV in Kiefer Sutherland, the coolest

president ever in Dennis Haysbert, perhaps the most hated female villain in Sarah Clarke, and the hottest

woman working on the small screen in one Elisha Cuthbert. How can a show with all that and a ground

breaking format to boot not make number1? That’s a much better question,” I told her. “As for the

audience, don’t call up saying I forgot The Sopranos. It might be the best show on TV, but I don’t get HBO

so I couldn’t tell you how good it is. I’m afraid that if I get HBO, I’ll get stuck watching endless hours

of Sarah Jessica Parker on Sex and the City.”

“I like Sex and the City. It shows that women like to drink and talk about sex just as much as guys do,”

Elisha pointed out.

“We already know that. Every man already knows, or at least should know, that their girlfriend or wife’s

friends know more about their sex lives than they do. Every girlfriend I’ve ever had, her friends knew

whether I was good or bad in bed before I did. She’d tell them and leave me, the one who could actually

use the information to make her feel more pleasure, wondering if I was doing it right. It’s a myth that

guys tell their friends everything. We talk about women we’ve had sex with or women we’d like to have sex

with, but we don’t go into nearly the detail that women seem to think we do. At least not until the woman

is gone and we don’t have to worry about it getting back to her and having her get pissed at us,” I said,

truthfully. “Women tell their friends everything. Ask any guy about their friends’ sex lives and the

majority will tell you they know minor details, but women know everything. I don’t need a show to tell

me that women tell each other every detail, it’s a given.”

“So it’s a chick show, that doesn’t mean it’s not good,” she said, getting defensive.

“I didn’t say it wasn’t good, I just said that I don’t want to watch. There are a lot of shows that I

don’t want to watch that millions of people love. There are also shows that I love that no one else wants

to watch. Birds of Prey would’ve made today’s list, but it’s no longer on the air because not enough

people wanted to watch it,” I said with a shrug.

“I have to go in a second, but there are a couple things that need to be done before then. The first is

that there’s a premiere for Old School tonight, and I was wondering if you’d like to go. If not I can

always ask Matt,” she said.

As Matt opened him mouth to speak, I cut him off and said “Matt can’t go. His girlfriend probably

wouldn’t want him going out with beautiful celebs. Besides, you asked me first and I’m not going to turn

down the chance to go see a movie with a gorgeous lady. Especially a good one that costs me nothing. I

didn’t even turn down the chance to see Kangaroo Jack, so it’s obvious that I’ll take anything that’s

free. Word of advice for you: never do a movie about a kooky animal, and most of all, never SEE a movie

about a kooky animal. Even if they hand you a big bag of money, just say no. You’ll spend the rest of your

life wishing you hadn’t. Movies that happen to have animals in them are OK, it’s the ones like Snow Dogs

that rely on misbehaving animals to carry the movie that you have to worry about.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” she said, trying to stifle a giggle without much success. “The second thing is

that you never showed me your underwear like you said you would.”

“I did too, didn’t I?” I asked. “Matt did it, then you did it, then me, then the Top 5 List. I could’ve

sworn I did it.”

“No you didn’t. Matt did, then I did, then you went to the list so you could recover and never came back

to it,” she answered.

“Did I or didn’t I?” I asked, looking over at Matt. When Matt shook his head no, I shrugged and said “a

deal’s a deal I guess.”

As I started to unbuckle my belt, Elisha started the play by play “he’s unbuckling his belt. There goes

the button, and here goes the zipper. The pants are coming down, and.. I could kick his ass right now.”

“What? So I’ve got New Jersey Devils boxers on. I know you’d rather I wear Maple Leafs underwear, but

I’m a Devils fan,” I told her.

“You know you did it because you knew I was coming in, you moron,” she said, laughing. “You know I don’t

like the Devils and instigated this whole thing to remind me that our teams are enemies.”

“Really I didn’t,” I said, feigning innocence. “This just happened to be the pair I grabbed this morning,

and I was just trying to see your undies. That’s all.”

“Whatever, maybe I should take Matt tonight after all. At least he didn’t wear Devils underwear when he

knew I’d be coming in,” she said.

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” I insisted. “You could be wearing New York Rangers underwear and I wouldn’t

care. I’m not in a position to get mad, but the Rangers are bigger rivals of the Devils than the Leafs.

Especially since the Rangers gave Bobby Holik a suitcase full of gold bars to cross the state line.”

“Fine, but you’re not wearing those tonight. I’ll have the limo driver check if I have to. There’s no way

you’re going to take anything with a Devils logo to the premiere,” she said, finally giving in.

“I guess that means my Scott Stevens jersey is out,” I joked.

“Do that and I really will kick your ass,” she said, shaking her fist at me.

“OK then. I guess I’ll see you tonight, and then have to brag to everyone tomorrow about how I got to meet

the guy from Swingers.”

Getting up, she gave me a hug and as she was leaving, she said “I’ll have the limo pick you up.”

I’ll be ready, and at least give Matt a hug on the way out too. He’s looking like he’s going to burst with

envy because I got one,” I told her.

“Thanks man,” Matt said as Elisha made her way to Matt’s part of the booth. “Now I have to explain why I’m

hugging other women.”

“You know you’re willing to have to explain it for the chance to hug Kim Bauer,” I pointed out to him.

“Are you smelling my hair?” Elisha asked Matt when she gave him his hug.

“No, I just happened to choose that moment to breathe,” Matt defended himself.

“Sure, whatever. You two are bad, you know that? I come in here and you do nothing but hit on me,” she said

with a grin.

“Men have two settings. We either hit on you or we ignore you. Women don’t seem to realize that, and get mad

when we do either one. We hit on the hot ones and ignore the ugly ones. It’s a compliment when guys hit on a

woman,” I explained. “Anyway, it’s time for the final song of the day. Liz wants to hear Kid Rock and Sheryl

Crow do Picture, so I guess that’ll be what I play.”

As I walked out of the studio, Matt asked me “are you going to be getting seconds at the Elisha Cuthbert


“Could you have come up with a cruder way of say that?” I asked, shaking my head in disbelief. “I don’t

know yet, it depends on her. I certainly wouldn’t mind another shot, but if it doesn’t happen I won’t be

on the verge of suicide or anything.”

“We could do the Sex and the City thing tomorrow and sit around drinking, exchanging details about our sex

lives. You tell me about Elisha, and I’ll tell you about my girlfriend,” Matt offered.

“I really don’t want to imagine you having sex, thank you very much. There are just some guys you that I’d

rather not think about, and you my friend, are right at the top of that list. I’m not going to give details

about Elisha, but I’ll think of someone just as good to tell you about,” I told him. “I’m not going to tell

you who, but it goes without saying that you’re a big fan of her.”

“Sounds fun, we’ll have to talk more about it tomorrow. Right now, I have to go home to the little woman,”

Matt said as we left the building.

“When she goes to sleep, see if you can look around the apartment for the spot she’s using to hide your

sack,” I yelled after him.

When he turned around to flip me off, I chuckled and headed off to my car. Popping my Norah Jones CD into

the stereo, I drove home to get ready for my night out with Elisha.

That night, dressed in a black suit and red tie, I was combing my hair when Elisha knocked on the door.

Opening the door, I was greeted by the sight of Elisha in a stunning black dress that showed ample cleavage.

“Wow,” was all I could say.

“Are you going to invite me in? Or should I stay out on the doorstep?” She asked.

“Please come in,” I offered, stepping out of the way to let her in. As she stepped past me, I took the

opportunity to check out her ass before closing the door. “You look great, and I’m sure you already know that

I checked out your ass when you came in.”

“Yeah, I know,” she said, nodding. “I’ve come to expect that you’re going to check out my butt at every chance.”

“It’s a habit. At least I manage to pry my eyes off your breasts to look at your eyes once in a while,” I said

“That’s always a plus, but first I have to make sure that you’re not wearing those boxers. Drop those pants

and lets see if you actually understood me this afternoon,” she said, looking serious.

“Give me a kiss and I’ll show you,” I offered.

“Show me and I’ll give you a kiss if you’ve complied,” she countered.

“I love a woman with a tough hand,” I said as I pulled down my pants to reveal a pair of plain blue boxers.

“That satisfying enough for you?”

“Very much so,” she said quietly, leaning in to lightly kiss me on the lips.

When the kiss was over, I said “you really know how to knock a guy out with a feather. That kiss was so light

and gentle I barely felt it, yet it had so much power in it that my mind is still reeling from it.”

“It’s all in the lips,” she said with a smile. “That and the fact that you were so excited over it that I

could’ve kissed your cheek and had the same effect.”

“I doubt that very much,” I said. “I better go finish combing my hair if we’re going to make the premiere.”

“Better pull your pants up first,” she said, just as I tried to take a step and fell flat on my face. “Are

you OK?” She asked, concern on her face as she bent down to check on me.

“I think so,” I said, touching my forehead where it made contact with the floor. Pulling my hand away, I

noticed blood on my fingers.

“You’re bleeding, let me take you to the hospital,” she offered.

“I’m fine,” I stubbornly said. “A Band-Aid and I’ll be good to go.”

“You’re not going anywhere mister, unless it’s to the doctor. Sit down and I’ll get you some ice,” she said

as she headed to the kitchen.

Resigning myself to the fact that she was determined to take care of me whether I wanted her to or not, I sat

down on the couch and waited for her to bring the ice back.

Coming back into the room, she had two towels and a bag of ice. Handing me one of the towels, she told me “use

this to clean up the blood, then use the ice to bring down the swelling.”

“I’m fine, you know. You should go to your premiere,” I told her. “You shouldn’t miss your big night because

of my clumsy ass.”

“It’s not that big a deal,” she insisted with a twitch of her eye that meant she was lying. “There’ll be lots

of movie premieres in my future, and I’m not even the star of this one. Besides, I’m the one who distracted

you and made you fall.”

“I can see it in your eyes that tonight’s a big deal. If you don’t go, I’ll feel guilty for being the reason

you missed your big night. If you really want to, you can come back and check on me later,” I assured her.

“I’m not leaving you,” she repeated. “I’m going to go tell the limo driver to go ahead and take off without

me. I’ll be back in a minute.”

As she was walking out the door, I got up to get the remote and a drink of water. I thought briefly of

recycling by dropping a cube of ice from the bag on my forehead into the water, but thought better of putting

something that had just been separated from my bloody skin by only a thin layer of plastic in my drink.

“Richie?” Elisha yelled when she walked in the door and saw that I wasn’t on the couch.

“I’m in the kitchen, I needed some water,” I answered.

“I could’ve gotten that for you,” she said when she came into the kitchen.

“It’s just a bump on the noggin, not a broken leg,” I argued, walking back into the living room.

“Now you’re limping,” she noticed when she saw me favoring my left leg.

“I must’ve tweaked my ankle when I fell. I know your concerned, but I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself,

I’m not an invalid after all,” I pointed out, sitting down on the couch. “If you want to help, then sit down

next to me and forget about the fall. We’ll watch mindless entertainment, I’ll make numerous passes at you,

and everything will be normal.”

Sitting down next to me, she grabbed the remote from me and said “OK, but I get to pick the mindless


“As long as it’s not reality TV, then feel free. I should point out that it’s pretty heartless to take a

remote from a wounded man, though,” I told her, taking a sip of my water.

“Hey, you said to act normal. I would’ve taken the remote away from you anyway, so why not now?” She asked,

using my own words against me.

“Don’t make me wrestle the remote away from you. I watch the WWE, so I know all the moves. I’d hate to have

to use a folding chair on that pretty face of yours,” I joked.

“You even try and you can kiss any chance you have of getting laid tonight goodbye,” she countered, raising

her eyebrows to show that she knew she had me cornered.

“So you’re saying I’ve got a chance?” I inquired, excitedly.

“Not if you take the remote, you don’t,” she answered. “We both know that you were hoping to get some

tonight, and I’m pretty sure we both knew that there was a good chance it was going to happen.”

“I didn’t, but then I’m about as dense as a lead pipe. I know I was hoping, but I didn’t know there was a

good chance it was going to happen,” I said.

“Think about it Richie, it’s Valentine’s Day. It’s the day of romance and love. The easiest day of the year

to score, and you don’t think you’ve got much of a chance? You really are dense,” she said, shaking her head

in disbelief.

“That reminds me, I left something in the bathroom,” I said, trying to stand up.

“I can get it for you,” she said, pulling me back down to the couch. Getting up herself, she asked “what am

I getting?”

“You’ll know it when you see it. It should be on the counter next to the sink,” I told her.

“Aww, that’s so sweet,” she said when she opened the bathroom door and saw the single white rose on the

counter. “You did remember that it’s Valentine’s Day.”

“Actually, I just bought that for no reason. I knew that it was Valentine’s Day, but I just wanted to get

you something for inviting me to your premiere as well,” I said as she came out of the bathroom smelling

the rose. “Your Valentine’s Day gift is actually in the bedroom.”

“This better not be a ploy to get me in bed,” she said, raising one eyebrow questioningly.

“Aren’t all gifts from men just ploys to get women in bed?” I asked. “There really is a gift on the bed, and

it’s not sexual. If it leads to sex, great. But it’s not meant as a way to get you into my room so I can take

advantage of you.”

“Just checking,” she said as she crossed to the bedroom door. Opening the door, she spotted the teddy bear

clutching a heart that was sitting on my pillow and said “oh, it’s so cute. You didn’t have to get me


“When a woman asks you out on Valentine’s Day, you have to get her something. When she says ‘you didn’t have

to get me anything,’ it means ‘you better get me something or you won’t be seeing me naked tonight.’ So, yes

I did have to get you something. It’s not diamonds, but it’ll last longer than chocolates,” I said.

“Come here,” she said, beckoning me to her with her index finger.

Getting up off the couch, I limped my way over to her. Reaching out and grabbing my tie, she pulled me in for

a kiss. Still holding onto my tie, she turned around and lead me into the bedroom. Picking the bear up off the

bed with her free hand, she set it down on top of my dresser.

“Looks like your bear worked,” she observed, setting the rose down next to the bear. Turning to face me, she

reached both arms up and wrapped them around my neck.

Lightly running the fingers of my right hand along her arm from elbow to shoulder, I admired the softness of

her skin. Placing my left hand on the small of her back, I pulled her even closer and luxuriated in the feel

of her supple body pressed against mine. Kissing her forehead, I was overwhelmed by the smell of her. The

intoxicating perfume, the light smell of strawberry body lotion on her skin, the slight hint of coconut shampoo

on her hair all combined to overload my senses.

“Kiss me,” she commanded.

Unable to defy her, I bent my head down and pressed my lips to hers. Feeling her part her lips, her tongue was

soon pressing itself against my teeth in an effort to gain entry into my mouth. Fully opening my mouth, her

tongue fully pushed it’s way inside. As our tongues tangled up inside my mouth, I moved my right hand to her

back between her shoulder blades.

Breaking the kiss, she loosened my tie and pulled it off over my head. Taking the tie from her, I carefully

hung it on the corner of my dresser as she unbuttoned my sport coat. Pushing it off my shoulders, she pulled

on the cuffs to let it slide off my arms and onto the floor.

“I love a man in a suit,” she commented. “The only thing better is taking the suit off of him.”

“Now I’m going to wear a suit every time you’re in studio,” I whispered into her ear.

While she was unbuttoning my black shirt, hand searched for the zipper of her dress. Finding it. I pulled it

down until it stopped just above the swell of her ass. Slipping two fingers under each strap, I slid them off

her shoulders and let the dress fall into a heap at her feet. When the dress fell away, I noticed that she

wasn’t wearing a bra and her pert breasts were bared in front of me.

Pulling my shirt off me, she ran her hands down my arms until it fell on top of my sport coat. Running her

hands across my chest and down over my stomach, she unbuckled my belt when she reached it. Kicking off her

black heels, she stepped out of her dress and leaned in to kiss my collarbone right below my chin.

Wrapping my arms around her, I picked her up and she wrapped her legs around my waist to lock them behind my

back. With her clinging to me, I carried her over to the bed and laid her down on top of the bed spread.

Kissing her nose, I felt her rake her fingernails across my back. Giving her a quick kiss on the mouth, I

kissed her chin and down her neck. I gave her light butterfly kisses down her body, between her breasts, and

to her belly button. Hooking my fingers in the waistband of her red thonged panties, I started pulling them

down as she raised her ass off the bed to allow me to remove them. When I had her panties around her knees,

she lowered her hips and raised her legs into the air. Bending her legs at the knees, she brought her knees

to her chest for me to finish pulling her panties off.

Holding the panties in my right hand, I stopped to admire the sight going on in my bed and commit it to memory

forever. Elisha Cuthbert naked, knees pulled to her chest, hands cupping the back of her thighs to hold them

there, legs spread slightly leaving her pussy open and glistening with moisture, head turned slightly to the

side so she could look at me. “This is probably the most erotic sight I’ve ever seen,” I told her, truthfully.

“What if I did this?” She asked, moving her left hand across both legs while her right hand moved down and

started running the index finger up and down her labia. “Would this be even more erotic?”

Feeling my breath catch in my throat, all I could do was nod dumbly to convey that ‘yes it’s hotter and I’m on

the verge of shooting my load into my underwear.’

“If you’re not going to speak, then you better find another use for that tongue of yours,” she commanded, now

inserting the finger into her wet hole between strokes of her labia.

Still unable to speak, I once again nodded. Letting go of her legs, Elisha let them fall open lewdly as I moved

closer to the bed on my knees. Grabbing the hand that she had used to play with herself, I licked and sucked

her juices off of her fingers. When her fingers were clean, I kissed the inside of her thigh while running my

hand over her mound. Starting at the bottom of her slit, I used the broad part of my tongue to lick the entire

length of her snatch. Reaching the top, I used my fingers to spread her open and gave her clit a couple flicks

with the tip of my tongue.

“Eeeee,” she squealed in delight as my tongue made contact with her most sensitive part. “Ohh,” she moaned as I

slipped two fingers into her hot box. She cupped on of her tits with her left hand and started to tweak the

nipple with thumb and forefinger, while running her right hand through my hair.

“You like that, don’t you?” I asked her as I worked two fingers of my right hand in and out of her cunt.

Placing the palm of my right hand on top of her nicely trimmed landing strip, I used the thumb to rub her

clit, drawing sharp intake of air from the surprised Elisha.

“Uh huh,” she said, nodding. Biting her lower lip and closing her eyes, a primal growl escaped her throat

as I sucked her clit into my mouth. Arching her back, she instinctively bucked her hips trying to get more

of her pussy in contact with my mouth and fingers.

Pulling my fingers from her pussy, I moved my hand down and rimmed her asshole. As the pussy juice on my

fingers started soaking into her anus, I applied insistent pressure to her back door. As the tip of my finger

slid past her sphincter, she gasped as the invasion. Working the finger further into her, I gently bit her

clit with my lips and pulled back my head until it popped out of my mouth.

“Oh god,” she panted, pulling my hair as I repeated the maneuver. “Fuck me. I need it, fuck me now.”

Wiggling the finger in her ass, I gave her pussy one last lick before standing up to take off my boxers.

“You’re going to have to drive,” I told her, feeling my ankle protest the weight. “I don’t know if my ankle

will hold up.”

“You know you just want to make me do all the work,” she accused me as I laid down on the bed next to her.

Rolling over on top of me, she said “good thing I like to be on top.”

“Can you blame me for wanting to see you on top, using my cock to get yourself off?” I asked as she sat up,

pinning my dick between us.

Gyrating her hips to rub her pussy on my manhood, she answered “no, it’s hot to see a good looking woman

riding a guy.”

Raising herself up, she reached down and grabbed my tool. Positioning my rod at her entrance, she braced

herself by putting her other hand on my chest. Running the tip along the length of her snatch to tease me

as well moisten in, she winked at me and seductively ran her tongue across her upper lip. Finally, when she

saw that I was barely able to contain the urge to thrust upward and bury it in her myself, she gave in and

sank down on my knob all the way.

I knew I wasn’t going to last very long seeing as how my anticipation level was through the roof, but I hoped

that lying on my back would help me stave off my climax. I knew I’d be able to get it back up, but I wanted

her to orgasm first.

When she reached bottom, she leaned down to kiss me. “I love tasting my juices on someone else’s tongue,” she

told me when the kiss was over.

“There’s still some juice on my fingers if you want,” I told her, holding my hand up in front of her face.

“No thanks, one or more of them has been in my ass since it was in my pussy,” she said, shaking her head.

Putting both hands on my chest, she pushed herself up into a sitting position. Raising herself up off my

cock, she quickly brought herself back down.

While she was starting to get a rhythm down, my hands had nothing to do, so I reached up to cup her tits.

Feeling my cock sliding in and out of her velvet sheath, I pinched her nipples between thumb and index

finger. Every down stroke she made was met by me thrusting my hips up, trying to get as much in her as possible.

“Unghh,” she groaned, stopping her thrusts and wiggling her ass on my lap.

Sitting up on the bed, I put my arms on her back and opened my mouth to suck a nipple into it. As she

resumed has bouncing, my mouth lost it’s grip on her tit leading to a game of catch the nipple. Upon catching

it again, I applied gentle pressure with my teeth to ensure that it wouldn’t happen again.

Feeling my orgasm approaching, I used the thumb on my right hand to reach down and press against her clit.

Her bouncing caused my thumb to move, creating friction and causing her to buck her hips like she had been

struck by lighting.

Her panting increasing in frequency, I noticed her chest and stomach starting to get flushed. Taking that as

a sign of her nearing her orgasm, I continued to apply pressure to her clit.

“Oh god, oh yes,” she moaned as she climbed toward her climax. Lowering her head to my shoulder, she bit into

my shoulder to muffle the blood curdling scream that came out as she came.

Feeling her cunt muscles clamp down on my cock pushed me over the edge, yelling “I’m cumming” as my balls

unloaded everything they had into her waiting pussy. As I fell back on the bed, she collapsed on top of me.

When she lifted her head up to look at me, I used my fingers to move her hair out of her eyes and tucked it

behind her ear. As she gave me a contented smile, I held her head and kissed her forehead.

“Thank you for making Valentine’s Day special,” she said, laying her head back down on my chest.

Kissing the top of her head, I stroked her hair and said “I’m sorry you missed your premiere.”

When she didn’t respond, I moved my head to the side and saw that her eyes were closed as she slept. Gently

rolling her over off of me and onto the bed, I pulled down the covers and tucked her in under them. Climbing

into bed next to her, I wrapped my arms around her and held her close as I drifted off to sleep.

This entry was posted in Cons, MF, Oral, voodoojoe and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.