Adventures In Radio #6 – Rogue Radio

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“Lights out, guerilla radio, turn that shit up.” Rage Against The Machine – ‘Guerilla Radio’

Adventures In Radio #6 – Rogue Radio

“Welcome back to the Richie Tozier Show on KPLA 107.3 FM in beautiful Los Angeles. I’m your host Richie Tozier, and over there is the one and only Matt Miller. In a moment we’ll be joined by the lovely Anna Paquin, who will hopefully allow us to gawk and undress her with our minds. Before we get to Miss Paquin, we’ve got passes to see X2, opening this Friday. All you have to do is answer today’s trivia question correctly, and you win. The question is, who is the only person to win an Oscar AFTER starring in a comic book movie? Anna Paquin doesn’t count because she won her Oscar before taking the role of Rogue. Do you think I’m making it too tough Matt.”

“Maybe a little, but what’s the point of making it easy? This way we’ll know that the winner is just as geeky as the two of us for paying attention to something like that,” Matt answered.

“OK, well I’ll add a consolation question in as well. The first person who can tell us the name of the movie Anna Paquin won her Oscar for can have passes to see her other movie Buffalo Soldiers. You can only guess for one question today though, so better make sure which one you’d rather answer first,” I said, laying down the rules.

“I think we have a winner for the first one,” Matt said.

Pressing the button to put the caller on the air, I said “hi John, what’s your guess?”

“Is it Halle Berry, who played Storm on X-Men and then won an Oscar for Monster’s Ball?” Asked the voice on the phone.

“Yes it is, I’m surprised we got a winner this soon. Hey John, were you just guessing or did you actually know it?” I asked the caller.

“I had read it on the net after she won, but forgot about it until you asked the question,” John answered.

“And who says the internet isn’t good for anything by porn? John just used the net to score him a free pair of tickets to one of the hottest movies of the summer. Hang on the line, John, and Matt will get your information,” I told him, putting him on hold. “Now if we can just get a winner for the other question, then we’ll be in business. I thought the Anna Paquin question was the easiest, but John got the Oscar winning super hero question right out of the box. Are you done over there Matt, or should I just start picking up random lines looking for a winner?”

“I’m done, but you can go ahead and pick a random caller if you want,” Matt answered.

“OK, I guess I’ll take line 7,” I said, picking up the phone. “Hello, you’re on the air.”

“Hello? Is this Richie?” Came a female voice over the phone line.

“Yes, this is Richie, who’s this?”

“Irene, do you have a winner for the question yet?” The voice asked.

“Well, Irene, we have an answer to one of them. Now is when I get to test if you’ve been paying attention, and see if you remember which question has been answered,” I answered.

“Didn’t that guy answer the one about the Oscar winner?” Irene asked.

“Technically, both are about Oscar winners, but I understand what you’re asking. The question that’s left is ‘what movie did Anna Paquin win her Oscar for.'”

“Oh, that was the one with Harvey Keitel. Oh geez, what was the name of it?”

“That’s what we’re asking you, dear,” I pointed out. “You’ve got five seconds to name movie or we move on to the next one.”

“Oh, um, The Harp? No, that’s not it,” she guessed, obviously flustered.

“Sorry, but that’s wrong,” I said, cutting her off. “Do you have a winner over there yet Matt?”

“Not yet,” Matt answered.

“OK, we’ll welcome Anna Paquin now instead,” I said as she walked into the studio wearing simple blue jeans and a white tank top with her hair pulled back into a pony tail. As she sat down and put her head phones on, I said “welcome to the show.”

“Thanks for having me,” she said, giving me a smile that made me feel like I was floating on air.

“I’d ask what your shirt says, but then you’d know I was looking at your chest,” I said.

Laughing, she said “it says ‘give peace a chance’ and no, I’m not a hippie.”

“You shave your armpits and don’t smell like feet, so it’s safe to assume that you’re not a hippie. At least not a real one anyway. On my days off, I like to parade around hippies in a shirt that says ‘give war a chance’ or ‘dolphins are good on bread with some mayonnaise’ and then watch them get all bent out of shape. I don’t like war, but I love pissing off hippies. It’s one of the few joys in life. That and deep fried Twinkies make the world go round. Deep fried Twinkies, fatty food dipped in fatty liquids, the all American food,” I said, chuckling.

“Eww,” she said, grimacing. “That sounds gross.”

“They are. It’s like biting into a sweat sock with a creamy center. You eat more than one of them and your arteries clog up on the spot. They should be nicknamed ‘the widow makers’ because of the heart attacks they’re guaranteed to induce,” I said.

“You make me want to rush right out and buy one of them right now,” she said.

“You can later, but your promised to us right now. I have to tell you that I’m a little disappointed that you don’t have the shock of white hair on the front of your head today. I know it’s part of the Rogue character, but I was hoping you might have still had it,” I said, saddened by the fact.

“People keep telling me it looks good, but I prefer to have my hair all one color. You’ll get to see it again when they do X-Men 3, so don’t feel too down,” she reassured me.

“It’s been three years since the first one, and the cast is only going to get busier. I’d be surprised if we saw another X-Men movie before 2007. We need to play Eminem’s Sing For The Moment, then some commercials, but we’ll be back shortly. Will you stick around to read today’s Top 5 List?” I asked Anna.

As the song started to play in the background, Anna answered “of course.”

“It doesn’t look like anyone is answering the question about which movie you won your Oscar for,” I told her after I had turned the mics off.

“It’s been a long time,” she pointed out, “and I was so young that they’ve probably forgotten about it. Either that or no one that listens to your show has seen it.”

“Ouch. One point Paquin. I’d argue the point, but it’s probably too close to the truth for me to even think of putting together an argument.”

“We have lots of listeners who like artsy movies,” Matt interjected.

“See, Matt knows how to defend your audience,” Anna said.

“Matt also things that ghosts are trying to warn him that the government is using mind control to create an army of super rats to kill dissidents,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“I do not. Terrorists are creating an army of disease infested cockroaches to overthrow the government, you dick,” Matt said. “You never listen to me, or you’d know that.”

Lowering my voice, I told Anna “forgive him, he hasn’t been the same since he dropped that acid in college. I keep trying to get some professional help, but he thinks psychologists plant suggestions in your mind to get you to buy Pokemon merchandise.”

“How else do you explain the Pokemon phenomenon?” He inquired.

“Considering that most of the Pokemon stuff was bought for kids, I’d say that it’s because want whatever their friends have. Fads spring up all the time for the simple fact that kids are sheep. Give me a few hundred samples of any product and a few thousand dollars, and I’ll give you a fad. Go into any school, find the two or three kids that everyone else looks up to, and give them twenty bucks to play with the toy in front of everyone. The rest of the school is going to see the cool kids playing with their new toys and think that buying the toy themselves will make them cool as well. Do that in a couple hundred schools across the country, and you have the hottest toy on the market. It doesn’t have to be cool, it just has to SEEM cool and kids will latch on to it. Perception is more important that reality. Your sales will dry up when everyone realizes that the product sucks, but by then you’ve made your millions and don’t care anymore,” I told him as if he was an idiot.

Tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, Anna asked “if it’s so easy, then why haven’t you done it?”

“With the money I make, I can’t even afford a pet rock let alone knock out 500 of some new piece of crap toy,” I said honestly.

“It can’t be that bad,” she said, not believing the small paychecks in radio.

“Today’s pay day, so I’m going to show you how broke I am,” I said, shifting in my seat and reaching back to pull my wallet out of my back pocket. Pulling my check out of my wallet, I handed it over to her.

“I’m sure it’s not that bad,” she said, smiling as she took the check out of my hand. As she looked at the check, her smile disappeared and she did a double take to make she had read it right. Handing it back to me, she shook her head and said “sorry, I didn’t think you could possibly be telling the truth.”

“There are perks that go along with the job, like meeting celebrities, that make the low pay bearable.

I’ve met people I never would’ve been able to meet if I wasn’t in this line of work, like you for instance,” I said.

“You should become an actor, then you could make that much in an hour and still meet all kinds of people. I’ve gotten to work with Spike Lee, Ian McKellan, and Patrick Stewart just in the last year or so,” she said.

“I don’t have the patience to wait around for the big break. You have to go on auditions and do bit parts for years until you get that part that makes you a star. If someone could just hand me the role of Superman sight unseen, then I’d be willing to do it,” I explained.

“No one’s going to hand you Superman, you have to go get it,” she informed me.

“Hold on to that thought,” I told her as the last commercial ended. Turning the mics back on, I said “welcome back to the show. We’re still joined by the beautiful Anna Paquin from the movies X2 and Buffalo Soldiers. We’re still looking for an answer to the question of what movie Anna, here, won an Oscar for. I’ll even up the ante and add tickets to the Matrix Reloaded screening we’ll be doing to go with the Buffalo Soldiers passes. If Matrix tickets don’t get a winner, then I have no idea what will.”

“Sure, everyone wants Matrix tickets, but no one wants to see me,” Anna said, with a pouty look on her face.

“See what you guys did? You made Anna sad,” I told the audience. “On a side note, that pouty look makes you even more alluring. Now bite your lower lip, moan, and I’ll go find some quiet place to take care of some business. Matt can take care of his business back there since no one can see what he’s doing anyway.”

“Way ahead of you there man,” Matt said.

“I was joking, and even if I wasn’t, I didn’t need to know about it,” I said, turning my head as far away from Matt as I could. “Do we have a winner yet?”

“Looks like on just called in on line 6,” Matt answered.

Picking up line 6, I said “hello, you’re on the air.”

“Hi Richie,” a female voice said on the other end of the phone. “This is Amy.”

“Hi Amy, do you know what movie Anna won an Oscar for?”

“Was it The Piano?” Amy asked.

“Lets check with Anna. Is she right?”

“Yes she is,” Anna answered.

“I love that movie, but I guess I’ll have to take my husband to see the Matrix now,” Amy said, obviously happy that she won.

“If you don’t want to see it, give him the tickets so he can take a friend or something. Make him go see Buffalo Soldiers, then let him have a guys night out for the Matrix,” I advised Amy. “You could always hold the Matrix passes hostage to get him to do something around the house.”

“I have been trying to get him to fix the garbage disposal for a couple weeks now,” Amy said, the wheels in her head turning, trying to figure out whether it would work out or not.

“There you go. I’m sure he’d be willing to do that to go see the Matrix. Thanks for calling Amy, and now you can tell your husband that you got to talk to Rogue from X-Men,” I said.

“Thanks for giving me a cool prize, and I’ll make sure to rub it in that he didn’t get to talk to Anna Paquin. He just adores you Anna.”

“How sweet, well tell him I said hi and I hope you enjoy the movie,” Anna said.

“I will, he’ll probably freak out that you said hi to him.”

“Hang on the line and Matt will get your information while we do the Top 5 List,” I told Amy as I transferred her back to Matt. “Are we ready for the Top 5?”

“I’ve got the list, and ready to go,” answered Anna, holding the list up. “Today’s Top 5 is the Top 5 hottest women in comic movies. Honorable Mention goes to the women of the Batman franchise.”

“Kim Bassinger, Michelle Pfeiffer, Nicole Kidman, Uma Thurman, and even Alicia Silverstone. A wealth of beauty, but I couldn’t play favorites so I put them all in the honorably mention category.”

“Number 5 is Mia Kirshner from Crow: City of Angels.”

“Mia is yet another ’24’ alum that I fawn over constantly. At least with Mia, I was in lust with her before I ever saw ’24.’ People forget that The Crow was a comic book, and Mary Jane Watson herself, Kirsten Dunst, is another Crow movie alum. She was in the third movie of the series, that was originally scripted by Rob Zombie. But he dropped out when Dimension Films pretty much changed his script to the point was no longer recognizable.”

“You need to get out more, you know that?” Anna said, looking at me blankly.

“I know, I’m a geek.”

“Number 4 is Jennifer Garner from Daredevil.”

“Matt’s already lodged his protest that she’s not high enough, but there’s no room in the top three. Someone had to get bumped, and she lost the coin toss. She’s certainly the one I’d want to knock some sense into me, but she’s jut a tad behind the top three in hotness. And of course, that’s what this category is all about.”

“Number 3 is Jennifer Connelly from The Hulk.”

“The words that best describe Jennifer Connelly are ‘absolutely stunning.’ The fact that she’s got several nude scenes in the past doesn’t hurt one bit either. A Beautiful Mind was overrated, but she deserved her Oscar more than anyone else last year. Fellowship of the Ring should have swept the awards, but the Academy seems to have a bias against sci-fi and fantasy.”

“Number 2 is Anna Paquin from X-Men. Wow, I beat the Jennifers?”

“This list is brunette heavy, and you, my dear, are the best of the bunch. I’ve made the observation that Rogue is the cruelest trick ever played on guys. She’s an absolutely gorgeous woman, yet if you even touch her, you risk death. One of the hottest women you will ever see, and no way you’ll even get to first base with her. Unless you want to wear a wet suit, sex with Rogue is out of the question. Now that I’ve said that, you know why I wasn’t able to get into a college that didn’t offer a major in welding. I’ve spent too much time thinking of stuff like that to actually do something worthwhile.”

“I can see that. You should like Brodie from Mallrats.”

“Only difference is he got to meet Stan Lee. I’d love to meet the guy who made it possible for a red headed Kirsten Dunst to kiss Spider-Man in the rain.”

“Speaking of Kirsten Dunst, she’s the number 1 hottest woman in a comic book movie for her portrayal of Mary Jane Watson in Spider-Man.”

“Nice segue way there. If the movie star thing doesn’t work out, you could always do radio. I could fire Matt and let you be my producer if you’re interested,” I offered.

“I’ll keep that in mind. It’s nice to know I have options.”

“You’d have to put up with making peanuts, and I mean actual peanuts. Sometimes Kenny gives peanuts from when he flies to Miami for vacation instead of actual money. The least he could do is make sure we get the honey roasted kind, the bast… uh, great guy that he is. Back to the topic at hand. What can I say about Kirsten? She’s a great actress, extremely cute, and looks equally good as a blond and as a red head. How Peter Parker could turn her down like he did is beyond me.”

“He didn’t want to put her the position she was in with the Green Goblin again. He didn’t want another villain targeting her because of him. It’s quite romantic actually. He loved her so much that he turned her down because he couldn’t safely be with her,” she explained to me.

“A normal guy would’ve taken her back to his place, then broke the news to her five minutes later, after he was done,” I joked. “Seriously though, I can see what you’re saying. I just can’t see loving someone that you can’t be with. You can lust after someone like that, but there’s no love if you can’t share your secrets and troubles with them.”

“Everyone has secrets, and not everyone shares them with people.”

“I’m not talking about having weird fetishes, this is a major part of his life. It’d be like Matt hiding the fact that he has an extra finger from a woman. If he doesn’t want her to know, the intimacy is automatically ruled out.”

“I don’t have an extra finger, and I never did,” Matt said, getting mad. “Now I’m going to be asked about the extra digit for weeks.”

“Chill out dude, I was just being facetious,” I told him.

“Then why didn’t you use yourself or even Kenny as the example?”

“Kenny can fire me, and I’m not going to subject myself to questions about an extra finger. Just for the record, Matt has ten fingers and ten toes as far as I can tell from when he wears sandals to work. Please don’t call and ask him what it’s like to have an extra finger, because that would be mean. That better man?” I asked him.

“Much, thank you. It’s time for a commercial anyway,” he informed me.

“OK, well I’d like to thank Anna Paquin for joining us. Go see X2 and Buffalo Soldiers.”

“Thanks for having me. You two crack me up, with Matt’s paranoia and your theories about super hero sex lives,” she said as she stood up. Reaching up, she pulled off her headphones and hung them from the microphone she’d just been using.

“As I watch Anna walk out of the studio, you guys can listen to some commercials. But, first I’ll play Avril’s latest for Amanda as today’s final request. It’s called Losing Grip, and it’s only KPLA. Matt and I will talk to you all tomorrow, so as Ricky Rachtman used to say ‘keep one foot in the gutter and one fist in the gold.’ Good afternoon and good night.”

“I guarantee you that no one in our audience know who Ricky Rachtman is,” Matt told me as we walked out of the studio. “Headbanger’s Ball has been gone for years, and most of our listeners don’t even listen to rock to begin with.”

“Look at it this way, if someone asks them how Ricky Rachtman signed off, they can tell. They can say ‘keep one foot in the gutter and one fist in the gold,’ and shock the other person.”

“Who in the world is going to ask them that?” Matt wondered.

“People ask strange things all the time. Matt Pinfield know so much extraneous info when he was hosting 120 Minutes, that half the time I thought he was just making shit up as he went. I bet people asked him stuff like ‘what was Frank Black’s real name?’ Just seeing that look on your face, I can tell you have no idea who Frank Black is. He was a member of the Pixies, who went solo and had the song Man of Steel on the X-Files TV soundtrack. To further show off my geek cred, you could also say that Frank Black was the name of Lance Henrikson’s character on the short lived Fox show Millenium from the creator of the X-Files, Chris Carter. And by the way, Frank Black’s real name is Charles Thompson.”

“Where do you store all this crap?” Matt asked as we walked out the front door of the building.

“I don’t know, maybe aliens put a chip in my brain that makes me smart like that John Doe guy on Fox. I don’t really care, as long as it doesn’t effect my ability to sing along with Sarah McLachlan songs when I hear them on the radio,” I shrugged.

“And you talk shit about me and my diseased cockroach theories.”

As Matt split off to go to his car, I said “difference is I was joking about the alien implant. You’re serious about terrorists taking over the planet with insects.”

“Cockroaches are the only species that can survive nuclear war. Terrorists know that and want an army that can survive and attack survivors of a nuke attack,” Matt said, actually making sense.

“You need to go before I start believing you,” I hollered, turning the corner to go to my own car.

As I neared my car, I saw Anna standing next to her car with the hood up. Veering off to see what the trouble was, I headed in her direction.

“Car trouble?” I asked, mentally kicking myself for asking such an obvious question,

“Yeah, I came out and it wouldn’t start. I guess that’s what I get for renting a car.”

“Did you already call a tow truck?” I asked, reaching for my cell phone.

“Yeah, but it’s going to be an hour before they get here. Looks like I’ve got a long wait ahead of me.”

“I’d help, but I’m completely clueless when it comes to cars. I can wait with you though.”

“You don’t have to do that, I’m a big girl.”

“Let me call my friend Ryan. He’s a car guy, and can fix anything with the right parts. Give him twenty bucks and he’ll come down and look at it. If he can fix it here, then you won’t have to wait for the tow truck,” I said, pulling out my cell phone. After dialing Ryan’s number, I lifted the phone to my ear just as it started ringing.

“Hello?” Came the voice on the other end.

“Hey Ryan, this is Richie,” I told him.

“Hi Rich, what’s up?”

“I need to come down to the station and look at a car.”

“Your car giving you trouble again? I keep telling you to get rid of it.”

“No, it’s not my car. Just come down, take a look, and I’ll give you twenty bucks for the trouble.”

“OK, I’ll be there in ten minutes. Who’s car is it anyway?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. You’d probably be willing to forgo the money just to meet them.”

“Really? Then I’ll be there in five, later,” he said.

“Later,” I repeated as I hung up the phone. Turning to Anna, I said ‘he’ll be here in five minutes.”

“How can I thank you? You’re taking time out of your busy day to not only wait here with me, but actually trying to help me get out of here quicker as well.”

“Tell you what, let me take you out to dinner and we’ll call it even. Sound good to you?” I offered.

“As long as you let me pay. It’s the least I could do.”

“The company of a beautiful woman, a celeb to boot, and she wants to pay? I’d be on the way to the nut hatch if I said no.”

“Then it’s settled. I’ll take you out to dinner tonight. When should I pick you up?”

“Lets wait to see if Ryan can fix your car. If he can’t, then I’ll drive you back to your hotel.”

Kicking the tire of the car in frustration, she said “piece of crap. I knew I should have taken the BMW instead of the Lexus.”

“I’d kick it as well, but I got a dinner date because of it,” I said, cracking a wry smile.

“It’s still a piece of shit for breaking down on me like this. I guess it’s better that it did it here than on the freeway.”

Seeing Ryan’s black ’68 Mustang pull into the lot, I said “he’s here.” Waving to him, I waited as he pulled into the spot next to Anna’s car.

“Who do you know that drives a Lexus?” Ryan asked as he stepped out of his car.

“It’s a rental,” Anna said from behind me.

Leaning to he left to see who was talking, Ryan gave her a little wave and said “hi, I’m Ryan.”

Returning his wave, she said “I’m Anna.”

“She’s cute, who is she?” Ryan asked, lowering his voice.

“Anna Paquin,” I answered. “You know her, she plays Rogue.”

“Huh? He asked, confusion painted on his face.

“Rogue from X-Men, Anna plays her. Just imagine her without the sunglasses and with a patch of white hair in the front.”

“Oh shit,” he said when realization hit him. “I get to work on Rogue’s car?”

“It’s a rental, but yeah.”

“Wow, let me see what I can do,” he said, walking over to the front of Anna’s Lexus. Leaning over the engine, he poked his head under the hood.

While Ryan was busy under the hood, I leaned on the car next to Anna and whispered into her ear “when he’s done, offer him the twenty bucks. He won’t take it from you, but he won’t hesitate to take my money.”

“You’re going to cheat your own friend? You’re awful,” she said, shaking her head in disbelief.

“We’re men. We’re bred to be ruthless. It’s a game between us. He cheats at cards, and I get my money back other ways. It’s the male code.”

“Whenever I head the words ‘male code,’ I can’t help but think of men sitting around in their underwear drinking beer and watching porn.”

“Did someone let you into one of our meetings?” I dead panned.

“Yeah, then we went and had sex in church,” she joked.

“Sex in church, the right way to sin. If you’re going to do it, at least give god the best possible view. You’re also mere feet away from the confessionals to ask for forgiveness.”

“You’ve spent way too much time thinking of this kind of stuff,” she said, stating the obvious.

“I think I found your problem,” Ryan said, poking his head out from under the hood. “It looks like you busted a hose.”

“Can you fix it?” Anna asked.

“If I had the part, but I don’t,” Ryan shrugged.

“Damn,” Anna swore. Grabbing her purse, she dug into it, pulled out a $20 bill and said “thanks anyway. Here’s the money Richie promised you.”

“Keep it,” he said, pushing the proffered money back at her. “Sorry I couldn’t be more help.”

“I have to give you something,” she protested. “At least let me give you an autograph.”

“That would be great,” he said as she pulled a piece of paper out of her wallet.

“You spell your name R-Y-A-N, right?” She asked. When he nodded, she scrawled ‘Ryan, thanks for your help. Love, Anna Paquin. XOXO’ on the paper and handed it to him.

“Good thing Richie’s here to back me up, or no one would believe that I got to meet Rogue,” he said as he pocketed the slip of paper. Getting into his car, Ryan said “once again, I’m sorry I couldn’t be more

help.”

“It’s OK, the tow truck should be here any minute.”

“OK, well thanks for the autograph. Later Richie,” he said as he pulled out of the parking spot and left.

“He seemed nice,” she observed.

“Yeah, he’s a good guy. Don’t play poker with him though. It’s like the scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom when Indy and Short Round are sitting around the fire playing poker. Shorty accuses Indy of cheating while having an ace up his sleeve. When Ryan sits down to play poker, you have to make sure he’s not hiding something up his sleeve.”

“I’ll never understand men. You sit around thinking of ways to cheat your best friends,” she accused me.

“What about women and their shoes?” I countered. “Who needs 700 pairs of shoes? I’ve got four pairs. Two pairs of dress shoes, one black and one brown, a pair of tennis shoes, and a pair of sandals.”

“We need different colors to match different outfits. Then we have different styles to fit different moods on different days,” she explained.

“Like I said, black shoes and brown shoes. Black shoes for darker clothes, and brown shoes for lighter clothing. I could see a woman having red or blue, or a couple different styles. But that maxes out around a dozen pairs. Any more than that and you’re just wasting money.”

“Men have it easier with fashion. Women needs heels, flats, casual, dressy. We need to be ready for all occasions.”

Seeing a tow truck pull into the parking lot, I said “the tow truck is here, so why don’t we just agree to disagree? We could sit here and discuss shoes all night and not agree with each other, or we can get your car towed and go in search of adventure and excitement.”

“Adventure, excitement, a Jedi craves not these things,” she said, doing a Silent Bob imitation.

Groaning, I shook my head and said “someone need to take away your copy of Mallrats.”

“You were the one who was talking about Brodie meeting Stan Lee earlier,” she protested.

“That was in response to you saying I was too much like Brody, so I said that at least he got to meet Stan Lee. You’re the one with the Mallrats addiction. I’m just trying to help before it ruins your life,” I said, getting melodramatic. “If you even think of uttering the line ‘no ticket’ from Dogma tonight, then I’m leaving. Well, that or I’d kiss you. One of those would happen, and I’m not sure which.”

“There’s a pretty big gap between those two. Either kiss me or leave? I’m pretty sure you’d rather kiss me, but you’re weird enough that you just might walk out instead,” she said, studying my face for a clue about what I’d do over the hum of the tow truck pulling the car up.

“I’m not weird, just a little crazy,” I defended myself. “It’s like Broken Arrow when Christian Slater says ‘you’re out of your mind, you know that?’ and John Travolta answers ‘yeah, ain’t it cool?’ Actually, it’s nothing like that, I just wanted to show you that your not even close to the biggest geek.”

“I_92m a way bigger geek than you,” she challenged. “Wait, why am I proud of that?”

“If your such a geek, then what’s the highest grossing independent movie of all time?” I asked, fixing her with a determined stare.

“That’s easy, it’s My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Give me something challenging.”

“I guess I just did because you got it wrong. An independent film is a movie made/financed outside of the Hollywood studio system. Star Wars Attack of the Clones was financed entirely by George Lucas. Just because it had a hundred million plus budget doesn’t disqualify it from being independent. It might not be indy in spirit, but by definition it’s indy, and last time I checked Star Wars had out grossed Greek Wedding by a good fifty million.”

Slapping me on the arm, she said “you suck, That was a dirty trick to play on little ole me.”

“Hey, don’t claim to be queen geek if you can’t weed out the deceptive questions.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to step on your territory there. Are you ready to go?” She asked when the tow truck started to pull out.

“Yeah, I’m right over there,” I said, pointing to the right.

“Lets go then,” she said, grabbing my arm and dragging me off to my car.

“That was a nice little place,” she said as we strolled through the flower gardens outside the restaurant. “How’d you hear about it?”

“One of my friends swears by it. It’s his favorite date spot, and according to him ‘it works every time.'”

“So that’s why you brought me here,” she said, playfully nudging me with her shoulder.

“Actually, I’ve always wanted to try it. And since you offered to pay, I got to try it without having to worry about the check,” I said, moving before she could punch me in the arm.

“Too bad it wasn’t to get in my pants, because that just might’ve worked,” she said, winking at me as I stood there shocked.

Recovering quickly, I suggested “there are some trees over there if you want to have some real fun.”

Breaking into a run, she headed for the tress and called back to me “gotta catch me first.”

Taking off after her, I quickly closed the gap. “Got you,” I said, lifting her up when I caught up with her at the edge of the trees.

“Put me down,” she said, giggling as I carried her into the forest.

When we were far enough in that we weren’t going to be seen by people walking by, I set her down. Turning around, she leaned back against a tree with her hands behind her back. Cocking her head to the side, she said “hey Richie, ‘no ticket.'”

Seeing my opening, I put my hands on the tree behind her and leaned in for a kiss.

“Good thing you chose to kiss me instead of leaving,” she said when the kiss was over.

“I figured you’d react one of two ways. Either you’d respond favorably, or you’d quote the knight from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and say ‘you chose poorly.’ I read the signals and decided that odds were good you’d be in favor of the kiss.”

“Shut up and kiss me again,” she said, reaching up and grabbing the back of my neck to pull me in for another kiss.

Wrapping my arms around her, I put my left hand on the small of her back as my right hand worked it’s way down to her ass. With her free hand, she reached down and started to massage my cock through the denim of my jeans. Without breaking the kiss, she unzipped my fly and reached in to grab my now fully erect tool. Squeezing an ass cheek, I used my left hand to unbuckle my belt.

Breaking the kiss, she said “I’ve never done this with a guy I just met before.”

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want,” I offered.

“No, I want to. I’m just nervous is all.”

“Richie will take care of you. You just let me know what you want, and I’ll do my best to make sure you get it,” I whispered, nibbling on her ear lobe.

“Mmmm,” she murmured, “I like that.”

Pulling her shirt out of her jeans, I slid my hand underneath it and caressed her stomach. Moving my hand higher, I slipped my index finger under the cup of her bra and lightly tickled the underside of her breast.

Pushing me away, she reached down and grabbed the hem of her shirt and pulled it off. Hanging her shirt from a branch on the tree, she grabbed a tit in each hand and pushed them together to unclasp her white strapless bra. In the dim light drifting through the trees, she turned around to remove the bra and hang it next to her shirt.

Stepping up behind her, I gathered her hair up and draped it over her left shoulder. Grinding my crotch into her butt, I kissed and sucked my way down her neck to her right shoulder. Massaging a tit with my left hand, my right hand slid down her stomach to the waist of her jeans. Unbuttoning them, my hand continued down under the satiny fabric of her underwear. Gliding over her soft pubic hair, my fingers finally encountered the top of her pussy. As I ran my middle finger along the length of her slit, she moaned softly, barely audible over the sounds of birds chirping in the branches above us.

Turning around, she kissed me lightly before dropping to her knees. Unbuttoning my jeans, she looked up just as the moon broke through the branches and bathed her in a heavenly glow. Smiling nervously, she pulled my pants and boxers down to the middle of my thighs. Looking at my cock tentatively, she grabbed the shaft and started to stroke it. Opening her mouth, she snaked her tongue out and licked the underside of me ball sack while she slowly jerked me. Licking her way up the shaft, she swirled her tongue across the head, drawing a grunt of approval from me.

Wrapping her lips around the head, she started to work her mouth down the shaft. With nothing better to do with my hands, I placed them on the back of her head and gently pushed to encourage her to get more of my cock into her mouth. My head was spinning with the thought that I was getting head from a beautiful celebrity less than twenty yards from the path where anyone could walk on at any given time.

About halfway down the shaft, my cock head bumped against the back of her throat. Trying her beat to get more in, she relaxed her throat, but gave up when her gag reflex kicked in. Stepping up the suction, she pulled the her head back up. Swirling her tongue around the head when she reached the top, she quickly started her return trip down.

When she reached the head again, I pulled her off and helped her to her feet. Unzipping her pants, I pulled them and her panties down to her knees. Knowing that time was short, I whispered into her ear “turn around and grab onto the tree trunk.”

Nodding, she quickly turned around and braced herself against the tree. Running the palm of my hand over her ass, I found her crack and used my index finger to trace it’s path down over her crinkled anus and to her pussy. Dipping my finger into her hole to gauge her wetness, I found that she was already dripping juice that was starting to run down the inside of her leg. Positioning my hand so that my ring finger would bump into her clit, I began working two fingers in and out of her snatch. hearing her muffled moans, I could tell that she was biting her lip to keep the noise down. When she started pushing her ass back to meet me finger thrusts, I knew she was ready for penetration.

Pulling my fingers out, I grabbed my cock and guided it to the opening of her wet hole. Working the head along her slit for added lubrication, I started to push my way into her velvet tunnel. When the head was

in, I let go of my cock and grabbed onto her hips. With one quick push, I buried myself in her to the hilt, causing Anna to throw her head back and moan. Pulling myself back out, I could feel her pussy lips clutching at my cock, unwilling to release their prize. Pushing my cock back into her, she shoved her ass back to meet my thrust.

“Harder,” she demanded.

Not wanting to disappoint the lady, I forgot all about being nice and began to savagely pound her cunt.

“Oh yeah, that’s it,” she snarled, turning her head to look back at me.

Beads of sweat started to form on my forehead in spite of the cool night air as I slammed my cock home into her tight pussy time and time again. Biting my lip in concentration, one of the beads of sweat rolled down the bridge of my nose and dripped off the end to land on one of her ass cheeks.

Shortening my strokes, I reached around her and searched for her clit. Finding it, I roughly mashed it down against my invading cock. Sawing into her with short, quick rabbit thrusts, I could feel my orgasm approaching and wanted her right there on the plateau with me.

“Fuck me,” she said, louder than she really should have considering we were in public.

“Keep it down,” I hissed at her. “Cum for me. I know you want to cum all over my cock.”

“Yes, almost there. Almost there, almost… cumming,” she hissed as her body stiffened.

Burying myself into her one last time, I closed my eyes as spurt after spurt of hot cum erupted from the end of my cock to fill her horny hole.

“That was great, she said, turning around after I had withdrawn from her. “Got another one in you?”

Opening my mouth to answer her, I quickly shut it when I heard voices of approaching people behind us. “Grab your clothes,” I told her as I pulled up my pants.

When she had grabbed her shirt and bra, we walked deeper into the trees as she finished dressing. Finally fully dressed, we stepped out into the parking lot and headed directly for my car.

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