Cruise Control

Cruise Control: Part 1

by Rinky Dink

Yes, I swear Donna, the office at Harvard was not lying, Hughie’s room, board and tuition is fully paid for for four years. Yes, Tom Cruise really did send them a check. Why? You know I can’t discuss business. Even if I am retired from the CIA, still can’t talk about my business, even private business. See ya for dinner hun, luv ya. Bye”

Now, it was time to earn my kid’s free Ivy League education.

As I waited around the corner, the plan swung into action.

The innocent dupe, a moronic papparazzi, slammed into the
rear of Lindsay Lohan’s car. The curvaceous, big-busted teen immediately sprang out of her car and began haranging the sap before the police came a few minutes later and carted the guy away.

….As Lindsay Lohan rolled into her driveway she was way pissed-off. She knew movie stardom meant some stalking by the media but she didn’t sign up for car crashes.

Lohan’s anger made her fail to notice the several slight additions to her interior that had been put there by me while out of the car during the accident.

When she pulled into her garage and turned off the key, there was an immediate hissing sound as from under the dashboard came a gush of purple smoke.

Lindsay thought for a second something strange was up, but after that she didn’t think at all as the smoke enveloped the entire car, leaving Lindsay unable to be seen from the outside. Not that she noticed as a wave of passivity flowed throughout her gorgeous freckled body.

The visor suddenly flipped down with no one having touched it and two small cylinders were attached to it and facing Lindsay.

There was a small hum as two beams of blue light came out of them and headed straight for Lindsay’s wide open but glazed eyes. She did not move an inch as the beams drilled into her eyes, her mind now as passive and open and relaxed as her body had been conditioned to be.

There were then a small series of clicks above Lindsay’s head as a small dark disc that had been placed there swung into action. Two small earbuds came out and, having been callibrated to know the size of Lindsay’s beautiful face, fit snugly into her ears.

Soon, a soothing voice came on and quietly but firmly began telling Lindsay things. She began to imperceptively nod as she heard the words, THE TRUTH, the words she knew she should live by, poured into her head.

After a few minutes, she began to mouth her mantra, what she should, nay, wanted badly to, live her life – based on what the earbuds told her.

“Yes…obey….new hair…new body, new skin….live in new skin….food….waste…obey…..obey…new body….no food… hate food…love new hair…love new skin…love new thin body..”

After a half-hour, I was able to sneak into her compound and open the door, making sure to avoid the purple hypnotic gas that had filled the compartment, and removed the voice disc and the brain paralyzing beam cylinders.

Lindsay just sat with a blank look but a self-satisfying little grin on her luscious lips. I could surmise why. While other 18-year-olds were trying to find their way in life, Lindsay now knew the absolute truth of how she should live and, artificially implanted as it was, it gave her satisfaction. Everything was now clear and she would follow the path chosen for her.


“I don’t remember you being part of the special effects crew before,” said Katie Holmes as she sat in a chair in the middle of what looked like a small planeterium.

“I’m not,” I said slyly, actually the Batman peolpe had no idea she was even here, the notice telling her to be at this address sent to her by me special delivery. “”This is a very special, special effect that only I can do. Rachel is captured by Joe Chill and he enslaves her with algorithims caused by light patterns put in sync with her brain waves.

“Well, that’s at least what the script says. It’s really just a neat light show. You’ll see.”

Since this was just a test, as far as she knew. Katie was casually dressed, wearing a simple khaki shorts, a white t-shirt with blue piping and flip-flops. I noticed her nice red toenails, but then back to the job at hand.

I guided her into the seat and then, with the kindest smile I knew, gently strapped her into the seat.

She smiled sweetly back at me. Nice kid, I thought.

I put the helmet gently on her head and flippd down the visor before going off to the control room and starting the program.

It actually was a pretty light show. Various colors zigging and zagging, making it impossible for Katie to concentrate on anything but what is she was seeing and hearing.

Soon, words like “Slave” and “Worship” filled the entire roof of the room and Katie just stared at it as a persistant hissing in her ears, which also included the same words subliminally laced into it, walled her off from any outside sounds.

After about 15 minutes, the face of a man began filling the roof and Katie’s now spaced-out, wide eyes.

A man she knew now was perfect, who she could follow without question, who she wanted to live the rest of her life with no matter what anyone would say. She would do and say anything this man of greatness would tell her to do.

After 90 minutes of giving her brain not just a wash, but a total cleansing, I went back into the room after turning off the program and lifted the helmet off of her.

Katie Holmes blinked her eyes and then gave me a smile.

“Yes, that was pretty,” she said as she got out of her chair as I undid her straps. “Uh, are we done? I have someone, I mean someplace, I have to really go to.”

“No problem Miss Holmes,” I said as nicely as possible. “You’re all done.”


It was my first day on the job as special advisor on “Mission Impossible 3” just like I had been on the first two, when Tom Cruise took me aside on the set.

“I know we have to play it cool Paul so no one gets suspicious but I have to thank you for everything,” said Cruise, with his patented gleaming smile in full force. “The studio was going to stick me with Lindsay Lohan as my co-star. Six months of her coming on the set bleary-eyed from partying holding things up I could not take.

“But when she became a living stick-figure, and a bottle blonde with faded freckles , they agreed to my choice and Keri Russell has been great.”

“And I can see by your ‘Oprah’ performance that Katie Holmes is a perfect mate like you hoped,” I said, knowing my son was packing for college that day.

“Oh, absolutely,” said Cruise with brie. “Independent women just don’t work with me. Having a pretty, nice girl like Katie Holmes worship me like a dog worships her master has been awesome.”

“My pleasure,” I said, and then I smiled. “Oh, and you need to give me Hillary Duff’s phone number. I was able to include the ‘instruction’ she wanted to put in Lindsay’s head. A $10,000 price tag on it as I remember.”

“I’ll write you a check and she will reimburse me,” said Cruise. “That will be so cool. Every time Lindsay Lohan sees Hilary Duff she is going to get incredibly turned on and be desperate to have sex with her.

“I think I know what two stars me and Katie will be sharing a limo ride to the premiere.”

Next: The limo ride

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